Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thoughts on the Occupy Movement

You can't force spiritual evolution.
Not only is it impossible, it can be damaging to the souls involved. What is greed? It is a deep-seated fear of lack mixed with arrogance. Instead of wanting one's needs met, the ego needs its wants met. And it will go out of its way to satisfy this never ending-desire.

How can this be changed? The soul needs to grow up.

When we begin the process of incarnating for spiritual development, we are cut off from Source. The entire process is a journey to get back to Source. Or to put it in more accurate terms, it is a journey to remember oneness of spirit. As the soul ages in regards to its incarnation cycle, it becomes more "enlightened". That means it begins to recognize the light inside and reconnect with it. Eventually, over many lifetimes, the spirit grows up from this egoic, fear-based perspective and begins to act from a higher perspective. One that exemplifies oneness. By its actions, it shows to others that we are all one in spirit. We all come from the same source and make up that Source.

So, how can it be damaging to try to force spiritual evolution? We have to remember that young souls are full of fear. What happens if a hoarder has his fear of not having enough triggered? He frantically begins holding on to more stuff. This is exactly what is happening in the world regarding money. When the fear of those in control of the world's money is triggered, they will feel they must hold on tighter to it.

The good news is, as these souls develop spiritually, they will begin to see that the Universe is abundant and there is plenty to go around. Fear dissipates.

Violence begets more violence.
Now that these peaceful protests have turned violent they will get more media attention. Unfortunately, the attention will highlight the violence. This will have everyone who sees it focused on violence.

We get what we give our attention to. This is a basic universal principle.

What do you want to create? What are you giving your attention to?

When it comes down to it, every individual is making a choice who they are giving their money to every time they spend it. Whose wallet are you feeding?

The only person we change is ourselves. It is my hope that enough people start making adjustments in their own behavior that we begin to see a global evening-out of the abundance the Universe provides freely to us all.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Internal Soundtrack

It seems like there's always a song playing in the back of my mind. And when I pay attention to it it has always been a good indication of my life stages.

Sometimes it's a disappointing heads-up. Like the time when the song stuck in my head was "I Can't Make You Love Me". It was true afterall... And once enough time had passed I learned to appreciate the saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!"

So imagine my enthusiasm a few weeks ago when I noticed my internal soundtrack was tuned to a song that was a favorite of mine when I was a little kid. The song used to give me warm fuzzies because it sounded exactly like the kind of life I wanted to live.

The song's recent return to my awareness gives me a lot to look forward to as I start to rebuild my life. Also some great advice. Love.  Keep things simple. And life will be sweet. :)

Sweet Life by Paul Davis

She's got your eyes
She's got my nose
Oh, and I get high just watching her grow
We always dreamed we'd live in a castle, oh but
We're in the same old shack
Sometimes we get into a hassle
But we always take each other back
Oh, you know
This whole world seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
'Cause we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
Oh, we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
making our dreams come true
we're makin our dreams come true

You are my love
You are my life
Oh, and I get high just holding you tight
we always dreamed we'd make a lot of money, oh but
I don't mind being poor
'Cause when you make love to me, honey
I couldn't ask for anymore
Oh, you know, all our friends seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true
Oh, oh
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My Life Is Crazy. Or Is It Just Me?

I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy. C. R. A. Z. Y.

While making plans and arrangements regarding my move to Austin TX, it was clear to me that I didn't want to go. But I felt that I needed to move somewhere with more people in order to make a living. I haven't been doing so well in that department...I said to the universe, "If this is not the right thing for us then something better happen to prevent me from doing it, because this is my plan!"

Feelings of being abandoned by spirit left me without expectation of a response.

Two weeks later the alternator in my truck caught fire. Not only did it take the money I had saved for the move to fix it, it also threw off the entire time line. In order to save that money again I would need another month or two. That meant staying where we were a little longer. But because another couple of months put us too close to winter, with it's snowy mountain passes, we would have to stay put until spring.

I had an entire day to get used to the idea when something else happened.

While I was at the shop picking my truck up from the mechanic I got a phone call from my mother. She never calls me. I answered the phone with "what's wrong?!" She was crying and said she just left the hospital. They had run a bunch of tests on her heart. They told her the heart is OK. She wasn't having heart attacks, it was severe anxiety attacks. This was her second trip to the ER within a few days of each other.

Then she tells me that 3 weeks ago she fell and broke her ankle. When the anxiety attacks had her in the ER the first time the ER doctor did an x-ray on her ankle and saw that it hadn't healed at all. He told her that she was going to need surgery.

She has no medical insurance, and so by the time she called me she was absolutely panicking! I asked her if she wanted to come and stay with me, and she said no and asked if we could come and stay with her. Of course I could. She said she would need help for a couple of months and I told her if we came over it would have to be for long enough that I could save the money I needed to move back to the mailand and reestablish a life when it was time. I told her if I came I'd have to stay for 6 months.

We talked about the possibility of David and I moving here permanently. She told me she would babysit him if I got a job. This seemed like a great idea. I would love for him to spend time with family. So I began to seriously consider staying in Hawaii instead of moving to Austin. I had already calculated the cost of putting my stuff in storage for six months and decided I'd be better off selling what I could and donating the rest.

Within 3 days of my mother's call I had given notice on my apartment, bought plane tickets, listed my furniture for sale, and started sorting out my stuff. In the end, I mailed one big box of stuff to my mother's house in Hawaii and checked 6 suitcases onto the plane. I sold the toddler bed, my desk, couch, and recliner. Everything else was either donated to a thrift store or given to friends. 4 truck loads of stuff. It was a bit traumatic.

That last month went by fast. But I was missing my friends before I even left. And was having anxiety and nightmares about moving in with my mother. We have never really seen eye to eye about anything. There are problems there, to say the least, as she is a Jehovah's Witness and can not accept the things in my life that contradict what her church teaches. She even gave me a list of things I was restricted to do, and websites I was forbidden to look at while I was here. It made me angry at first but when she told me what the restrictions were I had to laugh. She had some pretty odd ideas about what I do with my time and what kind of books I probably read. These were assumptions of course, because she has never wanted to talk to me about what I do as a psychic or how I do it.

Meanwhile... My mother had applied for health insurance and was finally able to make her first appointment with the orthopedic doctor. The appointment was scheduled the same day my son and I arrived. We all got a bit of a shock.

The orthopedic doctor told her that her ankle was in great condition. She would not need surgery and could start working again. In fact, he told her, the ER doctor was absolutely wrong in everything he told her regarding her ankle. There should have been no expectation of the ankle bone being mended at 3 weeks. He scared the shit out of her for no reason. And he dramatically changed the course of all our lives by being flippant and ignorant.

We have both been quite stoic about this, understanding that something greater had to be at work here for events to have lined up the way they did. We know there is a reason I'm here and we are trying to figure out what it is.

The first several days were very difficult. Ugh! She was angry every time she turned around and we were there. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted done and then got mad at me when I didn't do it. Every time David threw a fit she would get angry and tell me she can't live like this. She was discouraging me from buying furniture or a bed for our room and kept saying things about us moving out in a month. I was panicking and had to remind her of our agreement and the reasons why I couldn't move out in a month. Because I have no money left and no things! We have worked a lot of this stuff out and things are going better.

The areas that are going smoothly between us are a bit of a surprise to me. We have been able to talk about what I do and I have found when I use her vocabulary to describe what I do we are actually in agreement about most things! She instinctively understands some deep metaphysical concepts. However she always ties them back in somehow so that they coincide with what her church teaches. This is strange to me. I think it has been a big relief to her to discover that I didn't bring "demons" into her house by being a psychic, and that the thing she calls God is still the focus of my life.

Something else surprising is her request for healing. I have done energy work on her nearly every day. And she is feeling great improvement. I gave her my copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and she is reading it. She keeps coming to me and saying, "Look what she says here... That's what I believe!" or "That's what I always say..."

She is also helping me with David to keep his tantrums under control. He is acting out more than usual now that there is someone new in the picture who is always around. Testing his boundaries. The thing that has helped me the most is just to hear that I am doing the same thing she would have suggested in response to his tantrums. A little emotional support goes a long way!

Within my first few days here I was offered a job at the salon where my mother works part time. She said if we worked opposite days she could watch David while I worked. I was excited until I learned she had more than babysitting in mind. She is a full-time minister in her church. This means that she spends a certain number of hours every month going door-to-door. You know those people who knock on your door early Saturday morning? That's my mother... Her idea of babysitting was to take David with her while she went door-to-door. Hell no! or something similar was my response.

I decided that what I really wanted was to move back home as soon as I have enough money saved. Sure I could make a lot more money here, but I'd rather be home with my friends. Moving home early means that I will not have the cash in hand to build the tiny house that I wanted. I may never be able to do that now. But I will have people around me who love me for who I am and that is more important.

I have seen very little of the island since we've been here. And I didn't want to make an uninformed decision about returning home instead of staying here near family. So we made plans to visit the other side of the island yesterday. There is a town that I was drawn to on the map and I wanted to see it. I told the universe, "I'm moving back home unless a miracle happens..." I had a great fantasy play through my head about walking into a cool-looking shop and the owner offering me a job as a psychic. And, of course, my schedule would be immediately full. Haha!

I think I may have received my miracle, albeit a different miracle than I had envisioned. On the drive to the other side of the island yesterday we came upon a sign for road work and my mother promptly stopped the car and turned around. She said she didn't want to sit in the car for an hour for road work. Bye-bye Haiku, wish I could have met you. Bye-bye cool shop. Bye-bye amazing fantasy job. Bye-bye full appointment book. Bye-bye Hawaii.

More than anything, I just want to go home. I want my life back. I want my friends! And I want to change my mindset because I am imagining that moving back home means I'm going to struggle to make ends meet and I will have to spend the rest of my life without a partner who loves me. I will work on that attitude before I get home. But even if that turns out to be the way it is, I will be home!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Neurobiology and Happiness (a.k.a, The Smiley Meditation)

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I have had the chance to re-read my Kryon books. Kryon is a group of angels who channel through Lee Carroll. I love the feel of the information. It is very uplifting. I also bought a new book called Buddha's Brain,The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom.

On the surface it may not seem like the two books would have anything in common. However, they seem to compliment each other very well.

I was in the middle of Kryon Book 10 the day Buddha's Brain came in the mail. I stopped reading right where I was and started the new book. The following is from the last couple of pages I read in Kryon Book 10 before I started on the new book.


What is predisposed in your body? What disease are you going to get because your brother got one or your sister or cousin? This is plain talk. Why don't you eliminate that? This information is about self-empowerment. It's about asking yourself, the Divine-Self, questions about God. Use the power of your own Human consciousness in what you've called intent, every day of your life. Talk to your cellular structure. Maybe it's time you stopped talking with Spirit for a while and instead talked to the Higher-Self within? Do you know that there are trillions of cells waiting for the boss to talk to them?

Some of you have never even addressed your cellular structure, and you wonder why it is out of balance! Have you ever sat down and had a meeting with your body? Perhaps this is something to do alone and not around your friends [good advice]. Then after you've healed yourself and balanced yourself and enabled yourself, they might notice. "Whatever happened to that problem you used to have?" they might ask. And you could say, "Well, I had a meeting with my cells, and boy, were they glad to hear from me! Because I never talked to them before. I've been alive all these years and I never knew I could. You won't believe what they were going to do on their own! So I rewrote their schedule. I created something - a longer life." Now perhaps you'll also start understanding how peace is created in you and what happens when a number of people create peace in themselves...

Ahhh, talk to my cells...

I have done something similar in the past. I used visualizations and affirmations to cure a very serious health condition. I know first-hand that it is possible to redirect the way the body works.

When I ordered Buddha's Brain I wanted to learn to be happy. I wanted a general, sustainable, every-day feeling of happiness. The last couple of months have been very difficult for me, and I really want to get past it. I want to feel like I did before. And (in true Mishell fashion) I wanted it quickly.

I found what I needed within the first chapter of the new book.

Don't let the word neuroscience intimidate you. This is really easy to understand.

Neurons release neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are chemicals that send signals to cells. The neuron releases the neurotransmitter, which travels across the synapse (the tiny space between cell and neuron), and moves into it's place at the other side of the synapse. It looks like this:

If I wanted to use this information to create a visualization for increased happiness, what would those neurotransmitters look like? They'd look like this:

I know it's funny and seems simplistic, but that's exactly the point! It is simple. And I have had terrific success making myself feel better using this visualization. I close my eyes, take a couple deep breaths, and think about my cells filling with these smiley-faced neurotransmitters. I am immediately filled with a sense of well-being. Sometimes I am even brought to laughter. If that isn't healing, what is??

What do you think the outcome would be if you used this simple meditation on a situation that makes you sad? What would happen in your body if you infused that situation with happiness?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


This morning I had one of my favorite kind of transcendental experiences. I saw beyond the illusion, to what our reality is made up of.

As I stood on my front step, I turned and looked back behind me. I saw what you would expect to see... The wall, the ground covered with little purple flowers, and a portion of the sky.

All of a sudden, the scene turned into a picture. It had lost its 3 dimensional quality. The picture fractured and pieces began to fall away. When the image was gone, I saw what was underneath. Nothing. There was nothing but blackness.

As I focused on the black I began to see energy. Waves and clouds. There were patterns in the energy and I could also make out symbols. It looked like a very long mathematical problem, but with letters and symbols I am not math-savvy enough to understand.

I have only seen similar "math problems" twice before.

The experience only lasted a moment. But as I stood there, surrounded by blackness, time stopped.

I found myself in authenticity.

I was at the nexus, experiencing the creation of the physical "reality" we humans cling to.

Sometimes I look at my life and see chaos. Sometimes I get to see the underlying order. And it feels as elementary as 1+1=2.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Bluebirds. And "Who Do You Ask for Guidance?"

Today I experienced  miracle. I asked for a sign. A very specific sign. And I received it.

As I was sitting on my front step this morning a scenario was playing through my mind. Decisions, changes, and possible outcomes scurried around in my thoughts. I put a question out into the universe. "Am I making the right decision?" I asked for a sign that this was the right thing for me. I wanted to see a bluebird.

I got busy and forgot about asking the question until, while out for a walk this afternoon, I saw a bluebird. It was sitting on a fencepost and at first glance I thought it was a ceramic figurine. Then it flew up and landed in a nearby tree... Right next to a second bluebird!  Before today I had only seen one bluebird in my entire life. This was truly the answer to my question!

I posted this experience on my Facebook page when I got home and later in the day I received an email from an old friend. She asked me who I direct my questions to when I ask for help. A very good question, I think, because my answer has changed from what it would have been a few years ago and is different than anything I have read.

When I ask for guidance, I just put it out there for anyone to help. I know there are those in spirit whose job it is to help. They love it when we ask because we are more receptive to receiving the signs they are already sending to us.

I used to say that I was asking spirit guides or angels. However, what seems to be the reality is it is myself that I am addressing. 

When I talk about "they" and "them" who send the signs, I am talking about the consciousness of energies that exist in the higher levels. Yes, it is a part of me, and it's a part of you. But it's energy signature is one that never really reaches the Earth level. It is a part of me that never resides in my body, only in the higher levels. 

We exist on multiple levels at the same time. The way I see it is we are made up of many many different layers. Each layer has a different energetic vibration. These energy bodies get lighter and lighter (and farther away from the human body) until each person's energy bodies cross into each other. Eventually, they unite. This is why it is true when people say we are all one. This also makes it true that there is a god "somewhere out there". Each of us at our highest level is god, the god who is really nothing more than the energy of love, and is comprised of the higher energy bodies of every living thing.

I ask "spirit" for guidance. I use spirit as a general term for the awareness in any of my energy layers that are lighter than me, closer to source energy (god energy). Asking guidance from this love energy ensures that the outcome will be the best for everyone involved, not just the best for me from my clouded human perspective.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Asking why. On Trust, Fear, and Patience.

I find myself asking why.

When I reach out to the universe for the answer to this question I feel tightness in my throat and stomach and my head is awash with questions.

Do I want to know why in an effort to control my situation? Is it a control issue to need to make sense out of something confusing? Or is the issue one of letting go and trusting in the universe to bring me to my highest good?

If the universe brings me my highest good then I am brought back to asking why. Why would something so random and unlikely create such a powerful change in me that I am forced into a state of complete upheaval? Is that the answer? Had I been lulled to sleep by contentedness and missed the guidance to go in another direction? Were my desires lit and stomped out by the universe in an effort to trigger my habit of running away? It is, after all, a well-established pattern.

Or could the lesson be one of patience?

 Over time the threat of not having my needs met has caused me to look for quick solutions. Instant gratification seems to hold back the tide of longing that amounts to oceans of fear.

Lack of patience is all about fear.

That is something I have never consciously considered before!

Since starting on a spiritual path my personal goal has been to remove fear from my life. And I have done well in many areas that have caused me to feel fear in the past. I have come to terms with my psychic abilities. I have learned to open my heart and share myself with other people despite the chance I may have to live with rejection afterwards. I am bold, daring, and always ready to take a chance at something new or unconventional. In many respects I am fearless.

However, the fear of lack is a ghost always whispering in my ear. I’m not afraid of lacking things. I don’t really care about things. But I still carry a lot of fear when it comes to my relationships with other people. Most of the time I would rather attempt to entirely eliminate any need for another person rather than own to my actually needing someone else. So I learn all I can, and do everything for myself. Do I fear not having people in my life so I respond proactively by removing any need for them? If I don't need them they can never let me down.

This fear of trusting someone else could be the heart of my difficulties with being patient.

Now, it seems, I start a new chapter. Be patient and learn to trust.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Gifting Heart Chakra Energy

It was a spur of the moment idea. I had been doing energy work and clearing my chakras. My heart felt so full of love it was spilling over. So with my thoughts and intention, I invited anyone who wanted to share this energy with me.

With my mind's eye, I saw the space around me fill with people who wanted to share the energy. Some of them I knew, and some were total strangers.

Their reactions took me by surprise. For the most part, the strangers appeared to me as shadows. They filed in, stood in my energy field, and left with no emotion. They remained shadows. However, those I knew appeared with their full personalities.

I began doing this exercise as a result of some information I channeled in December and have been doing it almost daily ever since.

There is always something unique that happens with every session and I find it beautiful the way our collective spirit(s) responds to the invitation of love.

Here are a few of the experiences that stand out the most to me...

I have seen strangers bring friends with them. And have also noticed that the number of strangers that show up increases every time I do the exercise. Sometimes I get a scene in my mind's eye of a busy hospital waiting room. And that is appropriate in a way because heart chakra energy is healing energy.

E is someone I have known for a really long time. She is a dear friend and she knows I love her because I have told her many times. However, when I sent out the thought to share the heart chakra energy, she stood just at the edge of the energy field. She looked very sad, as if she thought the invitation was for everyone else and not her. I had to specifically invite her in.

Another friend I'll call C jumped right in and started dancing around, pleased as punch to be there! This made me laugh, as she always does.

L is a bit aloof in life, but when I sent out the intention to share the energy, he was one of the first to arrive. He hugged me and would not let go throughout the entire exercise. In fact, this is the way he responds nearly every time I offer to share heart chakra energy.

J was a brand new friend who I hardly knew at all, but he made himself right at home. He swam around in my energy field. He glided and swirled around me like an eel. Not only did he soak up the heart chakra energy, he also sent out to me what seemed like electricity. This electricity opened my heart chakra even further and I began to channel universal energy through my crown chakra and out my heart. This intensified the experience for everyone involved. It was truly incredible, and almost ecstatic!

It is a simple exercise for anyone who would like to do it. Imagine the heart chakra as a pink ball of light. This light should be crystal clear, and situated in the middle of your chest. Take a deep breath and allow the energy ball to grow until it is as big as you can get it. Then in your mind, send out the offer to share this heart chakra energy with anyone who would like to share it.

It's a great way to spread the love and raise your vibration.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Regarding Love

I love. It's what I do.

Over time it has become clear to me that all love is the same. I love men, women, and children the same. Feeling love for one individual will create the exact same feeling in my body as feeling love for anyone else. Man, woman, or child. Once sexuality has been separated from "love" it is all identical.

I tend to find things out the hard way. Perhaps that's what I need for the lessons to make the biggest impact...

It seems I began this lesson  when I started using my psychic abilities as a way of life. There is something indescribable about looking at and merging consciousness with someone's soul. Their truest essence. While I am reading them we are one in spirit. There is an entrainment that happens in order for me to pick up on what is going on in their life. And when that happens I fall in love.

Does that mean that I love everyone who I have psychically picked up information from? No. Many times it makes me shiver and I want to shake the person off. Or take a shower. But when I resonate with someone I love them.

It gets confusing for me though because human nature, with it's many layers of fears and negative experiences, is often so very different from who and what a person's spirit is. The "inside" does not always match the "outside". Psychic awareness has led me to make some odd decisions. I can't say I have made wrong decisions, but I will say that my choices have caused me much grief. And had I understood the distinction between spirit and human years ago I may have followed an easier path.

Now, to make things even more confusing, add sexuality back into the picture.  Some people have the experience of being attracted to and falling in love with one person. Or at least one person at a time. I married a man whose spirit I fell in love with. The human side of our relationship was a complete mismatch. Since our separation I have fallen in love with two other people. And I still love both of them. True Love. That is to say I love the truest part of each of them. Without expectation or agenda.

In the past, I chose to reject and suppress my feelings. But that doesn't feel right anymore. So, what to do??

The impossibility of ever again consenting to a strictly monogamous relationship has become abundantly clear to me.

But now lifestyle changes are in order. My old beliefs no longer suit this new awareness. And in this new awareness there is no resonance for limiting beliefs that box me in, or traditional ideas that dictate who I can be with.

When I love I have to be able to express that love or resentment will grow in me like a cancer, fighting something that is unnatural. For me suppression is unnatural.

What does this mean for my future? I have no idea. How will this work in any future relationship? I don't have a clue! But it seems to me, the better I know myself, the more likely I am to find someone who will love the truest part of me. True Love.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Few Odds and Ends...

I find myself in the rare position of having some quiet time right now, as the little one is napping. I'd like to take the opportunity to write a fantastic blog about something profound, but nothing comes to mind. However there are a few odds and ends that I can combine and post here now.

Item 1.
This week I took the ultimate leap and did something I will never EVER be able to change my mind about. I now have two tattoos. And they are not easily hidden. Perhaps you remember this post from over a year ago on body modification."Oh boo-hoo, people will judge me..." or something like that. I've stopped caring about that. My goal was to please myself. And when I am happy with myself, people (whether they are potential clients or potential friends) will be drawn to my happiness. Which brings me to...

Item 2.
In order to be happy, you have to be happy. Or I could put that another way. To have a happy life, you have to have a happy self. It took me 37 years to figure this out. But the realization went something like this, "So, in order for me to be happy... I have to be happy? I have to do things that make me happy..!" Now I get it! And I am living it. Happiness for me! ME! This is not how I was raised to think, so it is a miracle that I was able to make the shift in thinking. Thank goodness for modern miracles.

Item 3.
I have discovered something incredible. As much as I love sex and think about it pretty much all the time, what I discovered is it is not the sex that I crave. It is the connection. I came to this conclusion by accident. On one of my most frustrated days so far I had to do something to work off the energy. I put my kid in the stroller and went for a walk. A couple was walking up the other direction and the man looked at me when they passed. All he did was make eye contact. He didn't even smile, but I felt a huge portion of the frustration leave me. It was very noticeable to me.  Since that day I have practiced with this eye contact thing many times. And it works every time. I had a couple conversations with full eye (not body!) contact and it was euphoric. Euphoric, I say! And the poor guy I was talking to had no idea what hit him. He couldn't take his eyes off of me.  This got me thinking about...

Item 4.
Flirting. I never thought I knew how. And I never wanted to because it felt like manipulation. Not my thing. However, a bit of eye contact seems to make everyone feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Shamanic Soul-Retrieval

The other day I decided to do another shamanic soul-retrieval on myself.

The last time I brought an aspect back in this way it took quite a while to reintegrate, and I experienced some odd physical manifestations of her presence in my body. But over time she healed. She was only 7 and I got the chance to mother her the way she needed.

So, I settled in to do the soul-retrieval and asked where I needed to go. I immediately saw a number in my mind's eye. I knew it had to do with something that happened when I was that age. Then I saw a scene from a 3rd person perspective. I was sitting on my bed talking on the phone. I remember the situation.

I was rejected by the person I considered to be the love of my life. The ultimate heartbreak because he loved me too, but couldn't reconcile his feelings with what other people expected of him. That was many years ago. I still love him but we have never spoken again.

The pain of that rejection caused a part of me to withdraw from my consciousness. She was easy to collect again and reintegrate. She seemed to want to come back but was afraid of feeling the pain again. I told her about all the good things in our life now. And that we have a baby who she didn't know. She was glad to be back, able to hold her son.

I can't really describe what is feels like to have an aspect of yourself return to your body. But I could see her entering me and as soon as she was in I had a memory return of something that happened between that guy and me. It was a nice memory. I hadn't thought about it, remembered it at all, but it seems to be the place she was stuck. The place in time she was reliving that kept her separated from my full consciousness for so long.

Anyway, she is back with me and I am definitely feeling her heartbreak. But I know that I will be able to get through this easily enough! I'll just keep focused on all the good that is in my life, because right now is the happiest I've ever been!

You can learn more about soul-retrieval in the book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self by Sandra Ingerman

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Self Love

My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.

I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...

I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.

As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.

One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.

I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.

I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...

One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."

I'm ready!

Friday, January 7, 2011


It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.

I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.

Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!

Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.

This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."

And the light finally came on.

Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.

The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...

Accept and settle.

I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.

If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.

As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.