Monday, January 23, 2012


I'm stuck in the muck. For about a month I have been consumed by fear. It feels as though every subconscious negativity inside me has been released to do its worst. So much so that every moment I live on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what has created this change in me. Couple this with the very creepy dream I had the other night that left me wondering why I hate my sexuality-> my body-> my self. (I also knew from this dream that a healing had taken place on a non-physical level.)

Last night I fell asleep wanting answers and received a visit from the dead.

In my dream I was coming out of an indoor stadium. It was filled with people. I knew I had attended some kind of conference. There was a male energy with me as I left the building. He walked slightly behind me (as he always does) so that I was only aware of his presence and was unaware of who he was or what he looked like.

I saw that there was a scruffy looking old man, a bum, with 2 large key rings full of keys, trying to find a key that would open my car. As I walked up to him I noticed that my car wasn't even locked. I wondered why he thought he needed the keys to get in. He said something to me to the effect of  "I don't know why I do these things" or  "I don't know where I get the idea to do things like this", "They made me do it". I could smell him and he stank of alcohol. I told him he could get in the car.

For some reason the car was full of boxes of junk. I hadn't remembered all that stuff was in there.

The bum found a spot in the backseat to sit as I got behind the wheel. I turned around and looked at him. We kind of studied each other for a second. And then I felt compelled to tell him I worked as a psychic. He smiled a small smile that quickly turned into a cry. Tears were rolling down his face as he smiled at me.

At first I thought my comment had awakened something in him, helped him make sense of the "odd" things that had happened in his own life. But very clearly, a message came through to me. "I am so proud of you," he said to me.

At that instant I realized this was my grandfather. My Dedushka.

He had only made one near-appearance in my adult life. I was doing a lot of channeling for a period in my life. One day I looked down at the message I had channeled and found a message from him.

My grandfather's appearance wasn't a mere visitation. It has a deep relevance in light of what I was thinking about as I fell asleep. My grandfather was the first person to sexually abuse me. It happened when I was 5 or 6. He had been drunk.

Was this abuse (or the emotional remnants that I can't seem to get over) represented by the boxes of old junk stored in the car of the dream? That seems to be the case. Had I actively been seeking my grandfather's approval? Not consciously. But it does help to connect all the dots and see how differently I am using my gift than the ancestors who passed this gift on to me. I am proud of that too.

Despite what he did to me, I feel very neutral about my grandfather. Perhaps because he was already in spirit by the time I remembered. However, the effects of what he did are still with me.

I am absolutely paranoid about keeping my son safe.  I can't bring myself to leave him with a babysitter other than 2 of my dearest friends. And I haven't dated since I split up with his father (over 2 years ago!) because I don't want him to get comfortable around any man (who will surly abuse him when he gets the chance). Fucked-up, right?! I know.

When I pretend I am someone else and I look at me I see an incredible person, beautiful and strong, and filled with light. But when I look at myself as myself, I see (to put it bluntly) a sack of shit. Is this my grandfather's fault? No. To reference the dream, he is in the backseat. I am the one behind the wheel

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thoughts on the Occupy Movement

You can't force spiritual evolution.
Not only is it impossible, it can be damaging to the souls involved. What is greed? It is a deep-seated fear of lack mixed with arrogance. Instead of wanting one's needs met, the ego needs its wants met. And it will go out of its way to satisfy this never ending-desire.

How can this be changed? The soul needs to grow up.

When we begin the process of incarnating for spiritual development, we are cut off from Source. The entire process is a journey to get back to Source. Or to put it in more accurate terms, it is a journey to remember oneness of spirit. As the soul ages in regards to its incarnation cycle, it becomes more "enlightened". That means it begins to recognize the light inside and reconnect with it. Eventually, over many lifetimes, the spirit grows up from this egoic, fear-based perspective and begins to act from a higher perspective. One that exemplifies oneness. By its actions, it shows to others that we are all one in spirit. We all come from the same source and make up that Source.

So, how can it be damaging to try to force spiritual evolution? We have to remember that young souls are full of fear. What happens if a hoarder has his fear of not having enough triggered? He frantically begins holding on to more stuff. This is exactly what is happening in the world regarding money. When the fear of those in control of the world's money is triggered, they will feel they must hold on tighter to it.

The good news is, as these souls develop spiritually, they will begin to see that the Universe is abundant and there is plenty to go around. Fear dissipates.

Violence begets more violence.
Now that these peaceful protests have turned violent they will get more media attention. Unfortunately, the attention will highlight the violence. This will have everyone who sees it focused on violence.

We get what we give our attention to. This is a basic universal principle.

What do you want to create? What are you giving your attention to?

When it comes down to it, every individual is making a choice who they are giving their money to every time they spend it. Whose wallet are you feeding?

The only person we change is ourselves. It is my hope that enough people start making adjustments in their own behavior that we begin to see a global evening-out of the abundance the Universe provides freely to us all.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Internal Soundtrack

It seems like there's always a song playing in the back of my mind. And when I pay attention to it it has always been a good indication of my life stages.

Sometimes it's a disappointing heads-up. Like the time when the song stuck in my head was "I Can't Make You Love Me". It was true afterall... And once enough time had passed I learned to appreciate the saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!"

So imagine my enthusiasm a few weeks ago when I noticed my internal soundtrack was tuned to a song that was a favorite of mine when I was a little kid. The song used to give me warm fuzzies because it sounded exactly like the kind of life I wanted to live.

The song's recent return to my awareness gives me a lot to look forward to as I start to rebuild my life. Also some great advice. Love.  Keep things simple. And life will be sweet. :)

Sweet Life by Paul Davis

She's got your eyes
She's got my nose
Oh, and I get high just watching her grow
We always dreamed we'd live in a castle, oh but
We're in the same old shack
Sometimes we get into a hassle
But we always take each other back
Oh, you know
This whole world seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
'Cause we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
Oh, we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
making our dreams come true
we're makin our dreams come true

You are my love
You are my life
Oh, and I get high just holding you tight
we always dreamed we'd make a lot of money, oh but
I don't mind being poor
'Cause when you make love to me, honey
I couldn't ask for anymore
Oh, you know, all our friends seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true
Oh, oh
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My Life Is Crazy. Or Is It Just Me?

I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy. C. R. A. Z. Y.

While making plans and arrangements regarding my move to Austin TX, it was clear to me that I didn't want to go. But I felt that I needed to move somewhere with more people in order to make a living. I haven't been doing so well in that department...I said to the universe, "If this is not the right thing for us then something better happen to prevent me from doing it, because this is my plan!"

Feelings of being abandoned by spirit left me without expectation of a response.

Two weeks later the alternator in my truck caught fire. Not only did it take the money I had saved for the move to fix it, it also threw off the entire time line. In order to save that money again I would need another month or two. That meant staying where we were a little longer. But because another couple of months put us too close to winter, with it's snowy mountain passes, we would have to stay put until spring.

I had an entire day to get used to the idea when something else happened.

While I was at the shop picking my truck up from the mechanic I got a phone call from my mother. She never calls me. I answered the phone with "what's wrong?!" She was crying and said she just left the hospital. They had run a bunch of tests on her heart. They told her the heart is OK. She wasn't having heart attacks, it was severe anxiety attacks. This was her second trip to the ER within a few days of each other.

Then she tells me that 3 weeks ago she fell and broke her ankle. When the anxiety attacks had her in the ER the first time the ER doctor did an x-ray on her ankle and saw that it hadn't healed at all. He told her that she was going to need surgery.

She has no medical insurance, and so by the time she called me she was absolutely panicking! I asked her if she wanted to come and stay with me, and she said no and asked if we could come and stay with her. Of course I could. She said she would need help for a couple of months and I told her if we came over it would have to be for long enough that I could save the money I needed to move back to the mailand and reestablish a life when it was time. I told her if I came I'd have to stay for 6 months.

We talked about the possibility of David and I moving here permanently. She told me she would babysit him if I got a job. This seemed like a great idea. I would love for him to spend time with family. So I began to seriously consider staying in Hawaii instead of moving to Austin. I had already calculated the cost of putting my stuff in storage for six months and decided I'd be better off selling what I could and donating the rest.

Within 3 days of my mother's call I had given notice on my apartment, bought plane tickets, listed my furniture for sale, and started sorting out my stuff. In the end, I mailed one big box of stuff to my mother's house in Hawaii and checked 6 suitcases onto the plane. I sold the toddler bed, my desk, couch, and recliner. Everything else was either donated to a thrift store or given to friends. 4 truck loads of stuff. It was a bit traumatic.

That last month went by fast. But I was missing my friends before I even left. And was having anxiety and nightmares about moving in with my mother. We have never really seen eye to eye about anything. There are problems there, to say the least, as she is a Jehovah's Witness and can not accept the things in my life that contradict what her church teaches. She even gave me a list of things I was restricted to do, and websites I was forbidden to look at while I was here. It made me angry at first but when she told me what the restrictions were I had to laugh. She had some pretty odd ideas about what I do with my time and what kind of books I probably read. These were assumptions of course, because she has never wanted to talk to me about what I do as a psychic or how I do it.

Meanwhile... My mother had applied for health insurance and was finally able to make her first appointment with the orthopedic doctor. The appointment was scheduled the same day my son and I arrived. We all got a bit of a shock.

The orthopedic doctor told her that her ankle was in great condition. She would not need surgery and could start working again. In fact, he told her, the ER doctor was absolutely wrong in everything he told her regarding her ankle. There should have been no expectation of the ankle bone being mended at 3 weeks. He scared the shit out of her for no reason. And he dramatically changed the course of all our lives by being flippant and ignorant.

We have both been quite stoic about this, understanding that something greater had to be at work here for events to have lined up the way they did. We know there is a reason I'm here and we are trying to figure out what it is.

The first several days were very difficult. Ugh! She was angry every time she turned around and we were there. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted done and then got mad at me when I didn't do it. Every time David threw a fit she would get angry and tell me she can't live like this. She was discouraging me from buying furniture or a bed for our room and kept saying things about us moving out in a month. I was panicking and had to remind her of our agreement and the reasons why I couldn't move out in a month. Because I have no money left and no things! We have worked a lot of this stuff out and things are going better.

The areas that are going smoothly between us are a bit of a surprise to me. We have been able to talk about what I do and I have found when I use her vocabulary to describe what I do we are actually in agreement about most things! She instinctively understands some deep metaphysical concepts. However she always ties them back in somehow so that they coincide with what her church teaches. This is strange to me. I think it has been a big relief to her to discover that I didn't bring "demons" into her house by being a psychic, and that the thing she calls God is still the focus of my life.

Something else surprising is her request for healing. I have done energy work on her nearly every day. And she is feeling great improvement. I gave her my copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and she is reading it. She keeps coming to me and saying, "Look what she says here... That's what I believe!" or "That's what I always say..."

She is also helping me with David to keep his tantrums under control. He is acting out more than usual now that there is someone new in the picture who is always around. Testing his boundaries. The thing that has helped me the most is just to hear that I am doing the same thing she would have suggested in response to his tantrums. A little emotional support goes a long way!

Within my first few days here I was offered a job at the salon where my mother works part time. She said if we worked opposite days she could watch David while I worked. I was excited until I learned she had more than babysitting in mind. She is a full-time minister in her church. This means that she spends a certain number of hours every month going door-to-door. You know those people who knock on your door early Saturday morning? That's my mother... Her idea of babysitting was to take David with her while she went door-to-door. Hell no! or something similar was my response.

I decided that what I really wanted was to move back home as soon as I have enough money saved. Sure I could make a lot more money here, but I'd rather be home with my friends. Moving home early means that I will not have the cash in hand to build the tiny house that I wanted. I may never be able to do that now. But I will have people around me who love me for who I am and that is more important.

I have seen very little of the island since we've been here. And I didn't want to make an uninformed decision about returning home instead of staying here near family. So we made plans to visit the other side of the island yesterday. There is a town that I was drawn to on the map and I wanted to see it. I told the universe, "I'm moving back home unless a miracle happens..." I had a great fantasy play through my head about walking into a cool-looking shop and the owner offering me a job as a psychic. And, of course, my schedule would be immediately full. Haha!

I think I may have received my miracle, albeit a different miracle than I had envisioned. On the drive to the other side of the island yesterday we came upon a sign for road work and my mother promptly stopped the car and turned around. She said she didn't want to sit in the car for an hour for road work. Bye-bye Haiku, wish I could have met you. Bye-bye cool shop. Bye-bye amazing fantasy job. Bye-bye full appointment book. Bye-bye Hawaii.

More than anything, I just want to go home. I want my life back. I want my friends! And I want to change my mindset because I am imagining that moving back home means I'm going to struggle to make ends meet and I will have to spend the rest of my life without a partner who loves me. I will work on that attitude before I get home. But even if that turns out to be the way it is, I will be home!