Friday, January 7, 2011

Illumination

It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.

I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.

Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!

Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.

This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."

And the light finally came on.

Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.

The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...

Accept and settle.

I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.

If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.

As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.

1 comment:

eaf1959 said...

Loved this blog but hope you will still stay in touch with your virtual friends too.....