Sunday, January 30, 2011

Self Love

My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.

I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...

I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.

As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.

One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.

I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.

I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...

One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."

I'm ready!

Friday, January 7, 2011


It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.

I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.

Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!

Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.

This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."

And the light finally came on.

Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.

The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...

Accept and settle.

I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.

If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.

As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.