Monday, November 29, 2010

The Disappearance of a Dream

"Who can really say upon what foundations our deepest desires are built? We may think we know ourselves, and yet there are always things that remain hidden from view. Just under the surface of our psyche lies a largely unknowable core of beliefs. These beliefs exist in our energetic field in a manner which is electrical and non local. I mean to say that a certain point of energy, the belief, may or may not be related to the point of energy (belief) that seems to be next to it in the linear form."

OK, so that was a little confusing, right?! I'll tell you what just happened...

I have been turning it over in my mind for over a month now about including a post about repressed memories. When I sat down to start this post I could tell that I was channeling, as the language and writing style was not my own. I call this an information download. This happens quite often, and is generally the way in which I receive information when I give readings. Sometimes it feels like an information bomb has been dropped on me and so I scurry around and try to line up all of the pieces and relate them back in a linear way that makes sense to the client, or reader (as the case might be).

So back to the above quote... That was part of the information download. I will try to make more sense of it by sharing with you how it relates to my life and the changes that manifested.

Obviously, this isn't "new" information. It has long been known that memories can cause seemingly random physical sensations. Further, when the memory is brought to the surface and cleared from the energy field, the physical component of that memory is cleared away as well. For example, the child who is teased at school may later develop stomach pains as an adult when they feel judged. Uncover the memory, and the stomach pains go away.

I have been working through some problems with my body-image. I made it a point recently to ask my spirit helpers to do what they do best. Help. By the next day, I received their help in a way in which I didn't expect. I lay down to meditate and out of the blue I was back in my own childhood body. I got the sense I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. I was completely blind. But I could feel what was going on. And I could smell...

It was the smell that brought the memories flooding back.

If you have been reading my blog for any time at all you will know that I have been looking for a place to call home. Somewhere to feel at home. I have had many ideas on what this place would look like and where it would be. However, it generally boiled down to a small country house with a tall fence around it. Safe. Cozy. Safe.

When the repressed memories stopped I found myself out of my body in a void. Despite being out of body, the energy was tactile. I felt enormous and tiny at the same time.

I saw a point of energy and it began to get larger and larger until I could make out that the home I had been envisioning was in front of me, encased inside a bubble. Then the bubble began to float away and eventually burst. I could see the energy it was comprised of dissipate, leaving nothing of the house, or for that matter, the dream of the house.

In the following days and weeks, I was surprised to find that all emotion associated with this dream for a home of my own had dissipated. I did not desire the house I had been envisioning. I'm not attached to the idea at all anymore. Sure I can imagine the house or something like it and say that it would be nice to live there. But I can equally say that it would be nice to live somewhere else, in a different kind of house.

There were farther reaching effects as well. This energy bubble seemed to also include my ultimate dream for the business I wanted to create. In a way, I guess this makes sense as the business idea was built upon the foundation of the desperate need I had to create a home.

In any case, my dream was suddenly gone.

I'm left in a strange situation. What do I focus on without the dream? What do I want now? What do I work towards?

I have found my goals have become less long-term and more reflective of the now. I have found it is so much easier to live in the moment when I am not looking to some future goal to provide me with happiness. Happiness is here now. I just have to take a deep breath and face it.

On the surface I never knew that my dream for a home or the business goal I had was created out of childhood abuse. On the surface I hadn't remembered this abuse. But on the energetic level, these things were so tied to one another that when the abuse was brought to the surface the dream dissipated. And now I'm left with more of something I adore. Freedom.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Strangest Thing That Has EVER Happened to Me

Imagine being me... I can communicate with dead people, see the past, feel other people's emotions, and see future potentials. I do psychic healing, channel beings from who-knows-where, astral project, and read auras. I can tell what people look like before I've seen their face, have experienced missing time, and experienced the pure love of the universe, etc, etc.

So when I say this is the strangest thing that has ever happened, you kind of have to take that into the context I detailed above...

A week ago, my son and I left for a little vacation. I wanted to visit a few towns I was considering a possible move to. 

We arrived to the first town and was immediately struck by how kind everyone was. Friendly and chatty. I was offered help and answers to questions. I really liked the place. After driving around town, and getting a feel for the place, I decided I really like it there and would certainly move there. But I still had a couple more places to look at.

The second night we were there we had dinner with some old friends who happen to be from the second town on my trip list. She told me something that made me strike that town off of my list. I was grateful for her past experience there and was glad to have her perspective.

So, our trip was shortened and we were headed for the coast. But the weather started getting bad... We drove through snow for two hours and when someone on the radio mentioned mountain passes, I pulled over and decided I needed to find out how the roads were. I had no internet signal and could not get a single person on the phone to check the road reports for me. I had to make a decision on the spot. I decided to go back the way we came...

First attempt to leave town foiled by bad weather...

Here is where it starts to get strange.

I had found my way around town beautifully the whole time I was there. On the morning of my second attempt to leave town, the desk clerk at the hotel gave me the name of a property management company that he used when he moved there. As it was just off the main road that headed out of town I decided to stop. When I was done there I got onto the road out of town and headed east. I knew where I was because I had been there for 4 days, AND I had made this drive many, many times in the last 18 years... I crossed the main road that goes north and south through town. I passed the businesses and state park that told me I was on my way home.

Everything was familiar!

And then all of a sudden IT WAS NOT!

I can not tell you what happened.

I knew exactly where I was, and then without making a single turn, I was lost. I kept driving, thinking that my memory had played a trick on me and blamed the unrecognizability (had to make up that word) of everything on the fact that I was making the drive at a different time of day. After a little while the road I was on started to get narrower. The trees were getting denser. I passed a road crew. Drove a couple more miles and the road came to dead end.

It was obvious something was wrong. ;-)

I turned around and when I got back to the road crew I asked for directions. The guy looked at me like I had purple broccoli growing out of my ears. He told me that I was 20 miles south of town.

As sure as I was that I had gone the right direction on my way out of town, I was willing to concede that I may have made a mistake. But as I drove through town and got back on the same east-bound highway, and started recognizing all the same businesses, and the same state park, I started freaking out a little bit. This was the way I had come and hour and a half ago.

We pulled into a McDonald's, where I could get internet access, and waited there for nearly an hour until I calmed down. As this seemed to be the perfect opportunity do do some social networking, I did so... A couple friends jokingly said maybe I was supposed to stay in town. I think there is truth in that!

Ever since I started seriously considering this place as somewhere we could move, I have been experiencing odd energy sensations. There were overwhelming feelings of familiarity in parts of town that I had never been to before. And it even seemed like I already knew some of the people!

As much as I don't like the term "supposed to", I absolutely know that something is waiting for me in this town! And it feels like something good.

We left McDonald's, got back on that same east-bound highway, and headed home. Again.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened this time.

The next day I turned in notice on my apartment. A good friend volunteered to help me move. She will be here December 7 and we will make the drive together.

And so my next crazy adventure begins... 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Old, Fat, and Happy

The other day, a friend pointed out to me that I always seemed to have died young in my past lives. My mind raced as I wondered if this was true. I concluded that, for the most part, it is. Blimey. However, there was one past life that I was immediately able to recall where I died old.

The year was 1265, in what I believe was in Ireland, although it can be pretty tough to tell when going this far back.

I was the female half of an old pudgy couple. My clothes were different shades of neutral colors. Grey, grey-green, brown. Everything looked and felt as though it were made of wool. My hair was grey and the sky was too. Even the landscape was grey as it seemed to be entirely made of rock.

My husband and I loved each other very much. We had been together for a very long time and sometimes it seemed that there was no distinction between the two of us. Almost as if we were the same organism functioning as two parts of a whole. It felt safe, secure, and lovely knowing everything about each other. No secrets, no surprises. Every day was like the next, and we were happy in every moment, never thinking about the next...

Knowing each other as well as we did, we found it unnecessary to verbally communicate. The way we interacted with one another was almost telepathic. People marveled at this ability we shared.

Our home was a south-facing stone building which consisted of two rooms. One larger room served as living room, dining, room, kitchen, tool shed, work room. Now let me paint a picture. The front door was small. Even short people like us had to bend to walk through it. Upon entering the house, there was a bench to the right with a long pillow on it. This was our living room. To the left of the front door was a window and window box. This was my husband's box and he kept fishing supplies in it. On the west wall was the fireplace. It was wide and tall, and covered over half of the west wall. In front of the fireplace was the table. It was big and sturdy. It served as the dining room, work room, and kitchen. Above the table was a net/screen which we used to dry herbs and fish.

Along the north wall was our bedroom, which was hardly bigger than the bed. And my husband's tools hung on the wall on the other side of the doorway.

My husband was a fisherman, and I made poultices and healing balms that the villagers would buy or trade for. My husband and I also acted as counselors.  This seemed to be our true calling, and something we never accepted money for. We freely gave our advice and love, and always felt loved in return.

If someone (or a couple) was experiencing problems, they would approach us and ask to visit. At our house they would sit on the bench and my husband would sit next to them. He would place his hand on their shoulder or hand, and I would get pictures in my mind of what would remedy their situation. Sometimes it was an herb tea, medicine, or a different type of advice such as a way to behave.

One morning, as I was mashing up dried herbs, my husband left to go fishing. He never returned.

The villagers looked for him, but no one found him. I became bed-ridden with grief. My health didn't exactly deteriorate, I just lost the will to live. I was like this for 9 or 10 months before I fell asleep and didn't wake up.

I was never alone after my husband died. People from the village sat by my side and talked to me and held my hand. We had never had children, but these people from the village, who we had helped, loved us like family. They stayed with me until the end.

As I died, I became aware that I was sleeping and that I was something separate from my body. I saw the sky open up and the room filled with a gold light. I saw my husband look down at me. He was again the fresh-faced teenager that I had married. He reached out for me and I took his hand as I left this world.

In some way, I think, the problem I have had with never feeling like I fit anywhere has been because of this lifetime. Part of me has been searching for the home I had then, and the love and acceptance I experienced. To find that kind of companionship, and to be loved by people who are grateful for the help I can give them is a dream I hope to realize once again.