Let's talk about sex, BAY BE...
This is gonna get personal. And please forgive me if it turns into a rant.
As a very brief introduction I will say that my sex drive completely disappeared the second I got pregnant with my son. But now an unfortunate thing has occurred. My sex drive has returned. The sleeping giant has awoken!
It's a painful existence for this poor giant. Let's just be honest here. I've spent most of my adult life painfully horny. Even when I was married. Somehow I managed to find the only 23 year old who wasn't interested in sex.
Divorce opened the door to a little variety. But even the prospect of sex didn't seem to keep my dance card full, if you know what I mean.
I was in for other surprises too. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Not all men care about sex! And there are guys who, despite caring about it, will refuse to do it when it is insisted upon that they wear a condom! And some guys would rather get stoned than get laid! And others prefer to masturbate...
At least those were the main categories for the guys I wound up with.
Never did I find the guy who could keep up with me. Or who attempted to try.
I know myself better than ever, and I am more comfortable with who I am than I have been in the past. Under normal circumstances, these would be ideal conditions for great sex! But I'm single, and I have a child. I will not bring strangers into my house. And since I'm not in a relationship... I'm kinda left in the cold.
Monogamy (aka Monotony)
I have never been in a relationship where I have not been attracted to someone else. Has anyone? I'll do ya one even better. I have never been in love with someone and not fallen in love with someone else at the same time. I have never been in an open relationship. And I have never cheated on anyone.
Let me tell you what I don't like about what I just said. I have denied and suppressed a lot of feelings over the years! Which, ultimately, means I have not been true to myself.
Now let me tell you what I do like about the above statements. I have never violated the expectations (real or imagined) of fidelity in my relationships. And I have had the wherewithal to exit the situations before moving beyond the boundaries (real or imagined) agreed upon by the parties involved.
If it sounds like a legal disclaimer that's because it gets pretty technical.
I have never sat down with a partner and defined the terms of the relationship. So all those expectations I've mentioned have been more imagined than real.
Tradition seems to have been the hidden partner in my relationships. Which is really weird because I've never been the traditional sort. I don't remember the fairy tale where the princess says, "Darling, I love that you bring home the bacon. And you look smokin hot riding that horse. But I'm gonna need one, maybe two, more lovers to keep me satisfied enough that I don't want to scratch your eyes out or burn this castle to the ground...."
That story hasn't been written yet. Maybe it's time.
There is a word that kinda makes me cringe. Polyamory. By definition, it doesn't sound bad at all. In theory, I like it! But how realistic is it? Don't people get jealous?
I'm not the jealous type. I mean, it's happened on occasion. But both times (that I can recall) I knew that the problem was with the way I saw myself, and not the situation itself. There are plenty of women who would see the person they are with check out someone else and get jealous. It's always made me laugh a little.
So why should something that is more in line with my pattern and history make me cringe. Maybe it is the need to give it a name, to classify it, to define it. Maybe I just don't want to acknowledge it... I don't know.
For now, I'm outside, looking in the window. I am not ready to knock on that door.
I have found that it requires imagination or it feels like a yearly exam. But, I have a great imagination. And one "happy place" is better than the next...
While it is better than nothing, it is nowhere near my first choice. All the main physical components are there. So what is missing? The connection with another person. And not just any person, but someone you actually care about.
Or people that you actually care about.
Maybe all this extra heart chakra work I've been doing has had the unexpected side effect of making caring for more than one person seem like a reasonable alternative to the traditional way I've approached relationships. Maybe it has nothing to do with my heart chakra, and has everything to do with my sex drive. Or maybe it's just me.
I don't know.