My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.
I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...
I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.
As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.
One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.
I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.
I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...
One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."