Manifesting Desires

21 May 2008:

I was walking along a dirt road, out in the country of the small town I grew up in. There was a fence along the road and on the other side of it was a ditch with running water. I came upon a woman standing under a tree on the other side of the ditch. We were talking and she started telling me that everything was going to be all right. She said my fortune would come in 36 weeks. She kept saying the same thing over and over. She was very conversational about it, everything is going to be fine, I'd be happy, my fortune would come in 36 weeks.

She was a very simple woman, frankly, she seemed angelic. I know that this was a real message for me, but I don't know how literal to take it. Usually when messages are this direct they are very literal.

I had this dream while I was pregnant. At the time I assumed that it meant my son would be born early. Baby = fortune. Coming at 36 weeks instead of 40. A logical conclusion. I marked the date on the calendar anyway. 36 weeks to the day from the night I had the dream.

My son was not born early, though. So I checked the date on the calendar and fixed in my mind, knowing well that something was going to happen. And what do you know! 36 weeks (to the day) later I was sitting on the couch, holding my little baby. I decided to look at his chakras.

While doing readings I have seen some people that have extra chakras above their heads. I have kind of gotten used to it, at least I'm not surprised by it. However, my son had a chakra that I have never seen before. And it was much farther above his head than I have seen before.

It was beautiful! Describing it would not do it justice, but I'll try. It was a gorgeous shade of purple. not dark, but not light enough to be called lilac. It was sparkly almost and iridescent.

I focused on this chakra, and immediately felt myself shoot through it. It felt like I was moving through a worm-hole. I could see the sides rushing past me a incredible speed. I came to rest in this space that was pink. Fluffy, misty, amazing pink. The air felt so wonderful, and with every breath I took, a wave of love would wash over me! This air had substance to it, and I knew that it was important. I asked where I was and was told that it was god. Source Energy, they said.

They showed me how to use this energy to create things. To form things with the mist and put my intention/attention on the thing I wanted to create until it seemed solid. The process was simple, although I have forgotten a lot of the detail.

My baby's father had been recently saying that he wanted to start a savings account and wanted 20,000 € to pay off debt and put put some money in savings. I practiced that day on creating a savings account. He wanted 20,000, so I tried to create 25,000 or more... I spent a few minutes on it and then went on with my day.

A few months later we found out that his department at work was being transferred to the next state. The moving package included a cash payout of 30,000 €. Wow! Manifesting with this pink stuff really worked!

Isn't there a saying about a leopard not being able to change it's spots? I'm the leopard. I never did another thing with this life-altering information. (I think I still have some work to do as far as what I think I deserve.) But sometimes the universe steps in...

Today I was meditating and it kind of turned into an exercise in manifesting. I was working out the job I want, how busy I want to be. Then all of a sudden a vision pops up like I was looking at a photograph. I saw myself looking at my facebook page. I had posted a comment and a "friend" posted a reply. This "friend" is not someone I know in real life. I immediately thought of her as an angel. The air around her picture was light fluffy pink. Source-Energy.

At first I thought she misspelled facebook, but when I looked again, I saw that what she had written was "It is your fate..."

So, in the midst of all the current upheaval in my life, there is something to look forward to! The job I want, and a reason to stay positive. I even have the past experience to use as a basis of belief. I am so excited!

I think this reminder of how to manifest comes at the perfect time. There is so much more that I would like to create for my new life.

Body Modification

Piercing and tattoos, specifically. What do you think about them? How do you think they look? What kind of assumptions do you make about the people who have them? Would you have it done? If so, what and where?

I was signed up to take an art workshop on body modification about five years back. It looked like a great class. But it ended up getting canceled due to lack of interest. I was interested, bastards! But not enough people signed up. How Idaho.

I share that little piece of history to make the point of how long I have been interested in something that you would never guess just by looking at me. And why wouldn't you guess this is something I'm interested in? Because of the assumptions you make about the people who have it done. It's really that simple. Are the judgments fair? Judgments, in general, are not meant to be fair. They are meant to make you feel better by putting other people down. If I can not lift myself up, I will knock you down.

I am in the unique position (again) ;-) of starting my life over. I intend to live an authentic life, expressing myself in ways that feel right to me. However, as much as it shouldn't matter if there is a little ring in my nose, it does matter! I think about the way people will interact with me. How they will treat my son after they see me. Do I curtail my need to express myself authentically in order to be socially accepted? Do I want to be socially accepted (by people who wouldn't be in my social circle anyway)?

As long as I stay in Europe, it isn't an issue. But, if I move back to the States it will certainly narrow the field as far as employment goes. And if I move back to the States, I will need to find a better job than working at the bagel shop. I have a child to support.

The idea that I can not look the way I want to because of the narrow-mindedness of people who do not know me is frustrating, to say the least. I will still be the same kind of person. Just as responsible as before the tattoos and piercings. Just as capable of showing up on time and getting my work done.

*sigh...*

So, it seems there are a few different ways I could handle this situation.

1. Have it done, like I want, and do what I can to stay in Europe.

2. Have it done and work in a bagel shop if I go back to the States.

3. Have it done, purchase a deserted island, and only allow people of the non-judgmental persuasion to inhabit it.

4. Don't have it done. No, that's not really an option.

No More Hiding

My previous post was about a secret I have been keeping from someone important in my life. The secret is I'm a psychic. The person is my mother.

My mother is a staunch Jehovah's Witness. If you know anything about this religion, you can imagine the reaction of me telling her I am a psychic! I feared I'd be completely shunned, as they do with those who break the rules.

I was ready to tell her everything, then found out someone had already told her! :-0 While it eased the pressure a bit, I felt it was something she needed to hear from me. I tried to get her on the phone, but after a couple of days I decided to write her a letter, rather than wait any longer.

I wrote her a letter and told her everything. Everything. EVERYTHING.

I have had a block in my throat chakra for as long as I can remember. It was there the first time I scanned my chakras, and no matter the amount of cleansing or running of energy, it never really goes away. I knew from the beginning it had to do with the secret I kept from my mother. I knew when I told her this secret the block would go away.

However, I was not prepared for the rush of energy I experienced! In the hours following sending the letter, I had the strangest sensations in my body. My heart chakra was pounding, my solar plexus felt like it was clinching and releasing, my sides were twitching. I felt like I could have run a marathon. Everything I experienced was more intense. Even colors were brighter. It might sound crazy, but I almost felt like I was shining! When we went to the shopping center people were actually paying attention to me. This is so unusual, and certainly evidence that something energetic was going on outside of me. I had a very happy day.

When I went to sleep, the dreams I had were of a different quality than normal. This is hard to explain, it just felt like I was more "there" than I have felt before.

Before bed I had been wondering about the kind of response I'd get from my mother about the letter, wondering if I'd get a response. I had a dream where she was looking for me. I was at my old elementary school when she found me. She let her friend read the letter in front of me, and her friend was aghast! Then my mother tried to tell me how awful it was that I would allow this into my life. I tried to explain that it isn't awful, it's natural. We had an almost-argument about it. Then a civil discussion. In the end, she held her hands up and said OK. Not admitting she was wrong, but not saying I was either.

Of course there was another part of my awareness analyzing this dream while I was having it, and it seemed to me this last gesture she made would set the stage for our future relationship.

I stayed in that in-between state for a while thinking about the dream, when I became aware of song lyrics playing in my head. The words I heard were, "I started a joke that got the whole world laughing, but I couldn't see, that the joke was on me..." Uh-OH, I thought! Then I heard someone say to me, "Pandora's box".

It has been a while since I read mythology, so I looked it up... "In Greek mythology, Pandora's box is the large jar carried by Pandora that unleashed many terrible things on humanity – ills, toils and sickness – and hope." (Thanks, Wikipedia)

So, while I think the relationship with my mother will not be as dire as I expected it to be, I think there is bound to be some fall-out that I hadn't thought about. Perhaps from the church itself.

Habits

I don’t remember the dream from last night, but after it was over I found myself in that place where I can’t see anything. I have been here often in the last months. It has a signature, you could say. Someone (always the same someone, although I never get to see him) said to me, “This was a sign for you not to hide yourself.”

Hide myself? Do I do that? Hell, yes!

I said something to a friend recently, and was immediately shocked by it because it was something I had never been consciously aware of. “It's really scary because I have always kept myself distanced from the ones I've been in relationships with,” I said.

Somehow or another, I find a way to stay distanced. Sometimes this is accomplished by choosing people to be in my life who will never open up or fully accept me. Sometimes it is by my feeling superior or inferior to the ones in my life. Sometimes it’s because I convince myself of a particular outcome so I put up a wall, or find a way to remove myself.

Do I really do that? Hell, yes!

I guess it is an attempt to avoid being hurt. It has never worked. So why do I still do it? Habit. Like a record that keeps repeating, I keep repeating, too.

I channeled something recently that talked about the need to break negative habits and why it is important for me to do this now. Because I am creating a new future. And the new habits will be part of the pattern for my new life.

So, how do I break this habit? The answer must be for me not to hide myself. ;-)

The truth is, I don’t think there is a single person alive who knows the real me. A lot of people know a lot about me. And some people know things that others do not. I am honest with people, but still, I always seem to reserve information from everyone.

I guess I put people into categories. Each category is allowed certain information, allowed to see a certain side of me. Be it values, the way I want to look, my sweet and generous side, my super-sarcastic side, my metaphysical beliefs, etc. No one has a complete picture.

I believe this whole issue is coming to the surface right now because of recent personal developments. I have refused to tell one of the most important people in my life about one of the most important things in my life. I have convinced myself of the consequences of getting this out into the open because of the category this person falls into. It may be the truth, but there is also a chance that it may not. I guess I have been too scared to find out for sure. Telling would be the ultimate leap of faith for this particular relationship.

I will tell. I need to. I have to. More importantly, I want to.

When I work up the courage to do it, I’ll tell you how it went.

The Fool

This Blog
Comparing myself to the Fool may not stretch the imagination. Sometimes what I do may seem crazy. I receive messages from Spirit, and I follow the advice I am given. I listen to that intuitive voice inside of myself, knowing that each cell of my body carries with it the knowledge of the Universe.

I am 36 years old and about to take another leap of faith. I don’t know what the end result will be, but I am confident that I am looked after and helped along by others who have my best interest at heart. I feel their love and support in ways that no human has ever loved or supported me… Unconditionally.

I want this blog to be about the signs I receive from the Universe, my Higher Self, Spirit Guides, God, Intuition, Subconscious. Call it what you like, what resonates, what feels good… To me they are all the same thing. I want to write about the signs and messages, but I also want to write about how I follow those signs, listen to those messages… or not ;-)

Receiving Messages
Song lyrics have been a very direct way I am given a message. The words I find myself hearing are taken quite literally. There is no need for interpretation. Still, sometimes the meaning is not clear because I don’t know what part of my life to apply the message. For example:

Two nights ago, every time I woke up, I heard different parts of the same song.

“…and then one day, she passed his way, he felt reborn in that morning sun…”

“…she took my hand and said yes you can, one look at her and I’m a brand new man…”

“…what you can see in the eyes of a woman is a reason to believe. Look deep inside the eyes of a woman, see the man you want to be…”

I told my baby’s daddy about the song messages, and he said it sounded as if someone was trying to butter me up. ;-) That remains to be seen.

Last night the same thing happened. I would find myself in that stage between sleep and awake and become aware of a song playing. Different songs this time.

“…ready to put my love on the line with you… ready to take a chance again with you…”

“…my intentions are true, won’t you take me with you…”

Same sort of message. We’ll see what happens with that.


Dreams That Aren’t Dreams
The place between wake and sleep is ripe with opportunities for contacting the spirit world. For some of us, it is one of the few times of true relaxation. And relaxation and a willingness to listen are all that is required of us.

Last night I had this experience/dream/vision:

I was in the underground parking lot of the grocery store, pushing the baby’s buggy. I saw another me walk in, pushing a different buggy. She came over and took my buggy and began to push it, as if she was leaving. I took hold of the buggy she brought in, knowing that I was getting the chance to move into a parallel life. At first I didn’t want to do it. I thought I would miss my baby, even though this seemed like my baby too. Then I remembered something from psychology class, how most people would rather stay in a bad situation than try something new. So I took the new buggy with baby and pushed it out of the parking lot.

As we were heading away, I discovered I knew some things about the life we were heading into. I was a single mom. The baby was a few months younger than the baby I had at first. We lived in town in an apartment, not in a house in the country. We took the bus almost everywhere. We had all we needed and life was good. We were happy.

I would have missed out on a very important experience if I had let my fear of the unknown prevent me from moving into the alternate life. I was able to find out some important information that will help me as I make the changes I am currently making in my life.

1. My son and I don’t need much.
2. We can be happy even if our life doesn’t have the appearance I wanted it to.
3. These changes will help my son to be a baby again. (Sometimes I feel like my unhappiness has required him to grow up too soon. I know that the way I feel affects the way he behaves.)
4. I felt free, even though I did not have my own car.

My intent is to integrate the strength and some of the personality of the alternate me into the life I live now. I know I will see results, and may even end up living a version of the alternate life I walked into.

What I Am Going to Do
In light of these realizations, thanks to my experience last night, I am starting a second blog. It will be completely focused on things that make me happy.

I read something recently that made me stop and think. It was a quote by James Oppenheim. “The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” From now on, I plan to grow happiness under my feet.