Asking why. On Trust, Fear, and Patience.

I find myself asking why.

When I reach out to the universe for the answer to this question I feel tightness in my throat and stomach and my head is awash with questions.

Do I want to know why in an effort to control my situation? Is it a control issue to need to make sense out of something confusing? Or is the issue one of letting go and trusting in the universe to bring me to my highest good?

If the universe brings me my highest good then I am brought back to asking why. Why would something so random and unlikely create such a powerful change in me that I am forced into a state of complete upheaval? Is that the answer? Had I been lulled to sleep by contentedness and missed the guidance to go in another direction? Were my desires lit and stomped out by the universe in an effort to trigger my habit of running away? It is, after all, a well-established pattern.

Or could the lesson be one of patience?

 Over time the threat of not having my needs met has caused me to look for quick solutions. Instant gratification seems to hold back the tide of longing that amounts to oceans of fear.

Lack of patience is all about fear.

That is something I have never consciously considered before!

Since starting on a spiritual path my personal goal has been to remove fear from my life. And I have done well in many areas that have caused me to feel fear in the past. I have come to terms with my psychic abilities. I have learned to open my heart and share myself with other people despite the chance I may have to live with rejection afterwards. I am bold, daring, and always ready to take a chance at something new or unconventional. In many respects I am fearless.

However, the fear of lack is a ghost always whispering in my ear. I’m not afraid of lacking things. I don’t really care about things. But I still carry a lot of fear when it comes to my relationships with other people. Most of the time I would rather attempt to entirely eliminate any need for another person rather than own to my actually needing someone else. So I learn all I can, and do everything for myself. Do I fear not having people in my life so I respond proactively by removing any need for them? If I don't need them they can never let me down.

This fear of trusting someone else could be the heart of my difficulties with being patient.

Now, it seems, I start a new chapter. Be patient and learn to trust.