I don’t remember the dream from last night, but after it was over I found myself in that place where I can’t see anything. I have been here often in the last months. It has a signature, you could say. Someone (always the same someone, although I never get to see him) said to me, “This was a sign for you not to hide yourself.”
Hide myself? Do I do that? Hell, yes!
I said something to a friend recently, and was immediately shocked by it because it was something I had never been consciously aware of. “It's really scary because I have always kept myself distanced from the ones I've been in relationships with,” I said.
Somehow or another, I find a way to stay distanced. Sometimes this is accomplished by choosing people to be in my life who will never open up or fully accept me. Sometimes it is by my feeling superior or inferior to the ones in my life. Sometimes it’s because I convince myself of a particular outcome so I put up a wall, or find a way to remove myself.
Do I really do that? Hell, yes!
I guess it is an attempt to avoid being hurt. It has never worked. So why do I still do it? Habit. Like a record that keeps repeating, I keep repeating, too.
I channeled something recently that talked about the need to break negative habits and why it is important for me to do this now. Because I am creating a new future. And the new habits will be part of the pattern for my new life.
So, how do I break this habit? The answer must be for me not to hide myself. ;-)
The truth is, I don’t think there is a single person alive who knows the real me. A lot of people know a lot about me. And some people know things that others do not. I am honest with people, but still, I always seem to reserve information from everyone.
I guess I put people into categories. Each category is allowed certain information, allowed to see a certain side of me. Be it values, the way I want to look, my sweet and generous side, my super-sarcastic side, my metaphysical beliefs, etc. No one has a complete picture.
I believe this whole issue is coming to the surface right now because of recent personal developments. I have refused to tell one of the most important people in my life about one of the most important things in my life. I have convinced myself of the consequences of getting this out into the open because of the category this person falls into. It may be the truth, but there is also a chance that it may not. I guess I have been too scared to find out for sure. Telling would be the ultimate leap of faith for this particular relationship.
I will tell. I need to. I have to. More importantly, I want to.
When I work up the courage to do it, I’ll tell you how it went.