The last couple of months have been difficult. I think what I'm going through is called a crisis of faith.
In my last blog I wrote about feeling like I could reach out and touch my destiny. It seems that close. But practically by the time I was finished writing that sentence my ego kicked in and I have felt like crap ever since, even though I am a step closer to my dream now than I was then.
I asked for guidance about where my son and I should move and the answer puzzled me. The desert? Really? I am not a sun-lover. I am a fair-skinned red-head. I hate summer. Summer time turns me agoraphobic. So how could this be for the best?
I found some blessed relief when a taste of fall came to our valley. The temporary change of season reminded me how much I love the coastal areas of the Pacific Northwest. I immediately went online and searched the Washington coast for land for sale. Looking at the photographs made me relax when I hadn't been aware that I was tense. "I want THAT," is what I thought. But that thought was immediately followed by remembering the previous guidance. Arizona.
It got me thinking about guidance I have followed in the past, and how miraculous pathways opened up for me to follow said guidance, and how the outcomes turned out... absolutely devastating for me. I bet you thought I was going to tell you that the outcomes are always wonderful and life is la la la la la happy if you follow the guidance of your spirit. But it isn't always true.
So I have been questioning myself a lot lately about my ability to interpret the guidance I receive. Also, I understand that as a clairvoyant I see probabilities not absolutes. This is one of the areas where free-will comes into play.
The thoughts that have been spinning around in my head during this crisis of faith have been (1.) I am total rubbish at interpreting guidance for myself, and/or (2.) The free will of other people keep blocking my chances for happiness. There have been plenty of other negative thoughts as well.
Maybe spirit has been leading me in the direction of learning the life lessons I wanted to learn when I came the earth this time and telling me whatever it can in order for me go in that direction. If that is the case, I don't want to follow guidance from spirit anymore. I am tired of all the painful lessons. I am tired of the hard work. I want something nice, easy, peaceful, and happy. And I don't want the trade-off of having a life like that to be a constant sunburn!
So do I move to Arizona, the direction spirit has pointed me? Or do I follow my heart and go to the coast?
I don't know.