I'm stuck in the muck. For about a month I have been consumed by fear. It feels as though every subconscious negativity inside me has been released to do its worst. So much so that every moment I live on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what has created this change in me. Couple this with the very creepy dream I had the other night that left me wondering why I hate my sexuality-> my body-> my self. (I also knew from this dream that a healing had taken place on a non-physical level.)
Last night I fell asleep wanting answers and received a visit from the dead.
In my dream I was coming out of an indoor stadium. It was filled with people. I knew I had attended some kind of conference. There was a male energy with me as I left the building. He walked slightly behind me (as he always does) so that I was only aware of his presence and was unaware of who he was or what he looked like.
I saw that there was a scruffy looking old man, a bum, with 2 large key rings full of keys, trying to find a key that would open my car. As I walked up to him I noticed that my car wasn't even locked. I wondered why he thought he needed the keys to get in. He said something to me to the effect of "I don't know why I do these things" or "I don't know where I get the idea to do things like this", "They made me do it". I could smell him and he stank of alcohol. I told him he could get in the car.
For some reason the car was full of boxes of junk. I hadn't remembered all that stuff was in there.
The bum found a spot in the backseat to sit as I got behind the wheel. I turned around and looked at him. We kind of studied each other for a second. And then I felt compelled to tell him I worked as a psychic. He smiled a small smile that quickly turned into a cry. Tears were rolling down his face as he smiled at me.
At first I thought my comment had awakened something in him, helped him make sense of the "odd" things that had happened in his own life. But very clearly, a message came through to me. "I am so proud of you," he said to me.
At that instant I realized this was my grandfather. My Dedushka.
He had only made one near-appearance in my adult life. I was doing a lot of channeling for a period in my life. One day I looked down at the message I had channeled and found a message from him.
My grandfather's appearance wasn't a mere visitation. It has a deep relevance in light of what I was thinking about as I fell asleep. My grandfather was the first person to sexually abuse me. It happened when I was 5 or 6. He had been drunk.
Was this abuse (or the emotional remnants that I can't seem to get over) represented by the boxes of old junk stored in the car of the dream? That seems to be the case. Had I actively been seeking my grandfather's approval? Not consciously. But it does help to connect all the dots and see how differently I am using my gift than the ancestors who passed this gift on to me. I am proud of that too.
Despite what he did to me, I feel very neutral about my grandfather. Perhaps because he was already in spirit by the time I remembered. However, the effects of what he did are still with me.
I am absolutely paranoid about keeping my son safe. I can't bring myself to leave him with a babysitter other than 2 of my dearest friends. And I haven't dated since I split up with his father (over 2 years ago!) because I don't want him to get comfortable around any man (who will surly abuse him when he gets the chance). Fucked-up, right?! I know.
When I pretend I am someone else and I look at me I see an incredible person, beautiful and strong, and filled with light. But when I look at myself as myself, I see (to put it bluntly) a sack of shit. Is this my grandfather's fault? No. To reference the dream, he is in the backseat. I am the one behind the wheel.