I find myself in the rare position of having some quiet time right now, as the little one is napping. I'd like to take the opportunity to write a fantastic blog about something profound, but nothing comes to mind. However there are a few odds and ends that I can combine and post here now.
Item 1.
This week I took the ultimate leap and did something I will never EVER be able to change my mind about. I now have two tattoos. And they are not easily hidden. Perhaps you remember this post from over a year ago on body modification."Oh boo-hoo, people will judge me..." or something like that. I've stopped caring about that. My goal was to please myself. And when I am happy with myself, people (whether they are potential clients or potential friends) will be drawn to my happiness. Which brings me to...
Item 2.
In order to be happy, you have to be happy. Or I could put that another way. To have a happy life, you have to have a happy self. It took me 37 years to figure this out. But the realization went something like this, "So, in order for me to be happy... I have to be happy? I have to do things that make me happy..!" Now I get it! And I am living it. Happiness for me! ME! This is not how I was raised to think, so it is a miracle that I was able to make the shift in thinking. Thank goodness for modern miracles.
Item 3.
I have discovered something incredible. As much as I love sex and think about it pretty much all the time, what I discovered is it is not the sex that I crave. It is the connection. I came to this conclusion by accident. On one of my most frustrated days so far I had to do something to work off the energy. I put my kid in the stroller and went for a walk. A couple was walking up the other direction and the man looked at me when they passed. All he did was make eye contact. He didn't even smile, but I felt a huge portion of the frustration leave me. It was very noticeable to me. Since that day I have practiced with this eye contact thing many times. And it works every time. I had a couple conversations with full eye (not body!) contact and it was euphoric. Euphoric, I say! And the poor guy I was talking to had no idea what hit him. He couldn't take his eyes off of me. This got me thinking about...
Item 4.
Flirting. I never thought I knew how. And I never wanted to because it felt like manipulation. Not my thing. However, a bit of eye contact seems to make everyone feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Shamanic Soul-Retrieval
The other day I decided to do another shamanic soul-retrieval on myself.
The last time I brought an aspect back in this way it took quite a while to reintegrate, and I experienced some odd physical manifestations of her presence in my body. But over time she healed. She was only 7 and I got the chance to mother her the way she needed.
So, I settled in to do the soul-retrieval and asked where I needed to go. I immediately saw a number in my mind's eye. I knew it had to do with something that happened when I was that age. Then I saw a scene from a 3rd person perspective. I was sitting on my bed talking on the phone. I remember the situation.
I was rejected by the person I considered to be the love of my life. The ultimate heartbreak because he loved me too, but couldn't reconcile his feelings with what other people expected of him. That was many years ago. I still love him but we have never spoken again.
The pain of that rejection caused a part of me to withdraw from my consciousness. She was easy to collect again and reintegrate. She seemed to want to come back but was afraid of feeling the pain again. I told her about all the good things in our life now. And that we have a baby who she didn't know. She was glad to be back, able to hold her son.
I can't really describe what is feels like to have an aspect of yourself return to your body. But I could see her entering me and as soon as she was in I had a memory return of something that happened between that guy and me. It was a nice memory. I hadn't thought about it, remembered it at all, but it seems to be the place she was stuck. The place in time she was reliving that kept her separated from my full consciousness for so long.
Anyway, she is back with me and I am definitely feeling her heartbreak. But I know that I will be able to get through this easily enough! I'll just keep focused on all the good that is in my life, because right now is the happiest I've ever been!
You can learn more about soul-retrieval in the book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self by Sandra Ingerman
The last time I brought an aspect back in this way it took quite a while to reintegrate, and I experienced some odd physical manifestations of her presence in my body. But over time she healed. She was only 7 and I got the chance to mother her the way she needed.
So, I settled in to do the soul-retrieval and asked where I needed to go. I immediately saw a number in my mind's eye. I knew it had to do with something that happened when I was that age. Then I saw a scene from a 3rd person perspective. I was sitting on my bed talking on the phone. I remember the situation.
I was rejected by the person I considered to be the love of my life. The ultimate heartbreak because he loved me too, but couldn't reconcile his feelings with what other people expected of him. That was many years ago. I still love him but we have never spoken again.
The pain of that rejection caused a part of me to withdraw from my consciousness. She was easy to collect again and reintegrate. She seemed to want to come back but was afraid of feeling the pain again. I told her about all the good things in our life now. And that we have a baby who she didn't know. She was glad to be back, able to hold her son.
I can't really describe what is feels like to have an aspect of yourself return to your body. But I could see her entering me and as soon as she was in I had a memory return of something that happened between that guy and me. It was a nice memory. I hadn't thought about it, remembered it at all, but it seems to be the place she was stuck. The place in time she was reliving that kept her separated from my full consciousness for so long.
Anyway, she is back with me and I am definitely feeling her heartbreak. But I know that I will be able to get through this easily enough! I'll just keep focused on all the good that is in my life, because right now is the happiest I've ever been!
You can learn more about soul-retrieval in the book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self by Sandra Ingerman
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Self Love
My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.
I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...
I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.
As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.
One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.
I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.
I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...
One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."
I'm ready!
I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...
I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.
As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.
One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.
I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.
I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...
One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."
I'm ready!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Illumination
It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.
I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.
Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!
Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.
This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."
And the light finally came on.
Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.
The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...
Accept and settle.
I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.
If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.
As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.
I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.
Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!
Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.
This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."
And the light finally came on.
Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.
The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...
Accept and settle.
I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.
If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.
As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.
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