Self Love

My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.

I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...

I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.

As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.

One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.

I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.

I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...

One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."

I'm ready!

Illumination

It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.

I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.

Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!

Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.

This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."

And the light finally came on.

Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.

The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...

Accept and settle.

I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.

If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.

As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.

Tarot - My Way

I guess I read tarot a little differently than most. I use a modified Celtic Cross spread, and then read the cards as if they were sentences. There are 4 sentences. I read middle, bottom, and top lines, then the line on the right side that goes from the bottom up.

The layout looks something like this:

                          9       
         4               8         
3       1       5      7
         2               6

I interpret the cards based on the traditional meanings and I also pick up information psychically. When I have finished the traditionally-styled reading, I start over. This time I hold my hands over the cards and channel information that may or may not be related to the first reading. It feels like the cards are talking to me. This reading tends to be full of more personal information and advice.

I do my own tarot reading a few times a year. It one of the easiest ways for me to be objective about information that I receive about myself.

This was my reading from yesterday:

1. The World
2. King of Wands
3. 10 of Wands
4. King of Pentacles
5. 5 of Pentacles
6. 10 of Cups
7. 3 of Pentacles
8. 10 of Pentacles
9. The Lovers

1. A new beginning where the world seems to be at your fingertips! Be cautious about your perspective. Be cautious about how much you take on. Do not over do it or you will face an "energy deficit" that will rob you of the ability to perform [take part] [participate in] [enjoy] your craft.
2. A man, who by his [absence] [disinterest?] brings the lesson of what it means to be complete.
3. A man who brings a business opportunity.
4. Love what you do. Find fulfillment in it. Find that part you think is missing.

• This is the time you have been looking forward to.
• Do not deny the stirrings of your heart; your soul. The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to find what it is you truly desire.
• Let go of expectations. Stop assigning meaning to each event that transpires in your interpersonal relationships. Do not add them up as if they were a mathematical equation. You will not get the proper solution. They do not add up to what you think they do...
• Let go of the mental burdens you carry! Beliefs are meant to be challenged! Long-standing assumptions will be met head-on and proved to be without value or merit.
• Accept help when it is offered.
• A shift in perspective is all that is required of you to see how rich you are [with companions]. Loneliness is poverty for those who are not generous with themselves. Share who you are! Share what you know. Share love!
• Some things are meant to be secret until the time is right. But know this: The life you've envisioned is already as real as it can be. When your eyes have opened enough to see it, you will find that it has been in place all along. It is existing in another reality and only requires a shifted perspective for it to be real in the reality where your awareness is focused.
• What you want is there, but you still have to bring it into consciousness.

My favorite piece of information in this reading was the part about  adding events together as if they were math problems. I've always done this! "So, this happened, then this happened, so it must mean ..." But it looks like I have been drawing the wrong conclusions.

This is the first thing I can change that will help in the shifted perspective I've been asked to develop.

Sex, Monogamy, Masturbation, and Being a Single Mom

Let's talk about sex, BAY BE...

This is gonna get personal. And please forgive me if it turns into a rant.

Sex
As a very brief introduction I will say that my sex drive completely disappeared the second I got pregnant with my son. But now an unfortunate thing has occurred. My sex drive has returned. The sleeping giant has awoken!

It's a painful existence for this poor giant. Let's just be honest here. I've spent most of my adult life painfully horny. Even when I was married. Somehow I managed to find the only 23 year old who wasn't interested in sex.

Divorce opened the door to a little variety. But even the prospect of sex didn't seem to keep my dance card full, if you know what I mean.

I was in for other surprises too. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Not all men care about sex! And there are guys who, despite caring about it, will refuse to do it when it is insisted upon that they wear a condom! And some guys would rather get stoned than get laid! And others prefer to masturbate...

At least those were the main categories for the guys I wound up with.

Never did I find the guy who could keep up with me. Or who attempted to try.

I know myself better than ever, and I am more comfortable with who I am than I have been in the past. Under normal circumstances, these would be ideal conditions for great sex! But I'm single, and I have a child. I will not bring strangers into my house. And since I'm not in a relationship... I'm kinda left in the cold.

Monogamy (aka Monotony)
I have never been in a relationship where I have not been attracted to someone else. Has anyone? I'll do ya one even better. I have never been in love with someone and not fallen in love with someone else at the same time. I have never been in an open relationship. And I have never cheated on anyone.

Let me tell you what I don't like about what I just said. I have denied and suppressed a lot of feelings over the years! Which, ultimately, means I have not been true to myself.

Now let me tell you what I do like about the above statements. I have never violated the expectations (real or imagined) of fidelity in my relationships. And I have had the wherewithal to exit the situations before moving beyond the boundaries (real or imagined) agreed upon by the parties involved.

If it sounds like a legal disclaimer that's because it gets pretty technical.

I have never sat down with a partner and defined the terms of the relationship. So all those expectations I've mentioned have been more imagined than real.

Tradition seems to have been the hidden partner in my relationships. Which is really weird because I've never been the traditional sort. I don't remember the fairy tale where the princess says, "Darling, I love that you bring home the bacon. And you look smokin hot riding that horse. But I'm gonna need one, maybe two, more lovers to keep me satisfied enough that I don't want to scratch your eyes out or burn this castle to the ground...."

That story hasn't been written yet. Maybe it's time.

There is a word that kinda makes me cringe. Polyamory. By definition, it doesn't sound bad at all. In theory, I like it! But how realistic is it? Don't people get jealous?

I'm not the jealous type. I mean, it's happened on occasion. But both times (that I can recall) I knew that the problem was with the way I saw myself, and not the situation itself. There are plenty of women who would see the person they are with check out someone else and get jealous. It's always made me laugh a little.

So why should something that is more in line with my pattern and history make me cringe. Maybe it is the need to give it a name, to classify it, to define it. Maybe I just don't want to acknowledge it... I don't know.

For now, I'm outside, looking in the window. I am not ready to knock on that door.

Masturbation
Yes!

I have found that it requires imagination or it feels like a yearly exam. But, I have a great imagination. And one "happy place" is better than the next...

While it is better than nothing, it is nowhere near my first choice. All the main physical components are there. So what is missing? The connection with another person. And not just any person, but someone you actually care about.

Or people that you actually care about.

Maybe all this extra heart chakra work I've been doing has had the unexpected side effect of making caring for more than one person seem like a reasonable alternative to the traditional way I've approached relationships. Maybe it has nothing to do with my heart chakra, and has everything to do with my sex drive. Or maybe it's just me.

I don't know.