Tarot - My Way

I guess I read tarot a little differently than most. I use a modified Celtic Cross spread, and then read the cards as if they were sentences. There are 4 sentences. I read middle, bottom, and top lines, then the line on the right side that goes from the bottom up.

The layout looks something like this:

                          9       
         4               8         
3       1       5      7
         2               6

I interpret the cards based on the traditional meanings and I also pick up information psychically. When I have finished the traditionally-styled reading, I start over. This time I hold my hands over the cards and channel information that may or may not be related to the first reading. It feels like the cards are talking to me. This reading tends to be full of more personal information and advice.

I do my own tarot reading a few times a year. It one of the easiest ways for me to be objective about information that I receive about myself.

This was my reading from yesterday:

1. The World
2. King of Wands
3. 10 of Wands
4. King of Pentacles
5. 5 of Pentacles
6. 10 of Cups
7. 3 of Pentacles
8. 10 of Pentacles
9. The Lovers

1. A new beginning where the world seems to be at your fingertips! Be cautious about your perspective. Be cautious about how much you take on. Do not over do it or you will face an "energy deficit" that will rob you of the ability to perform [take part] [participate in] [enjoy] your craft.
2. A man, who by his [absence] [disinterest?] brings the lesson of what it means to be complete.
3. A man who brings a business opportunity.
4. Love what you do. Find fulfillment in it. Find that part you think is missing.

• This is the time you have been looking forward to.
• Do not deny the stirrings of your heart; your soul. The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to find what it is you truly desire.
• Let go of expectations. Stop assigning meaning to each event that transpires in your interpersonal relationships. Do not add them up as if they were a mathematical equation. You will not get the proper solution. They do not add up to what you think they do...
• Let go of the mental burdens you carry! Beliefs are meant to be challenged! Long-standing assumptions will be met head-on and proved to be without value or merit.
• Accept help when it is offered.
• A shift in perspective is all that is required of you to see how rich you are [with companions]. Loneliness is poverty for those who are not generous with themselves. Share who you are! Share what you know. Share love!
• Some things are meant to be secret until the time is right. But know this: The life you've envisioned is already as real as it can be. When your eyes have opened enough to see it, you will find that it has been in place all along. It is existing in another reality and only requires a shifted perspective for it to be real in the reality where your awareness is focused.
• What you want is there, but you still have to bring it into consciousness.

My favorite piece of information in this reading was the part about  adding events together as if they were math problems. I've always done this! "So, this happened, then this happened, so it must mean ..." But it looks like I have been drawing the wrong conclusions.

This is the first thing I can change that will help in the shifted perspective I've been asked to develop.

Sex, Monogamy, Masturbation, and Being a Single Mom

Let's talk about sex, BAY BE...

This is gonna get personal. And please forgive me if it turns into a rant.

Sex
As a very brief introduction I will say that my sex drive completely disappeared the second I got pregnant with my son. But now an unfortunate thing has occurred. My sex drive has returned. The sleeping giant has awoken!

It's a painful existence for this poor giant. Let's just be honest here. I've spent most of my adult life painfully horny. Even when I was married. Somehow I managed to find the only 23 year old who wasn't interested in sex.

Divorce opened the door to a little variety. But even the prospect of sex didn't seem to keep my dance card full, if you know what I mean.

I was in for other surprises too. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Not all men care about sex! And there are guys who, despite caring about it, will refuse to do it when it is insisted upon that they wear a condom! And some guys would rather get stoned than get laid! And others prefer to masturbate...

At least those were the main categories for the guys I wound up with.

Never did I find the guy who could keep up with me. Or who attempted to try.

I know myself better than ever, and I am more comfortable with who I am than I have been in the past. Under normal circumstances, these would be ideal conditions for great sex! But I'm single, and I have a child. I will not bring strangers into my house. And since I'm not in a relationship... I'm kinda left in the cold.

Monogamy (aka Monotony)
I have never been in a relationship where I have not been attracted to someone else. Has anyone? I'll do ya one even better. I have never been in love with someone and not fallen in love with someone else at the same time. I have never been in an open relationship. And I have never cheated on anyone.

Let me tell you what I don't like about what I just said. I have denied and suppressed a lot of feelings over the years! Which, ultimately, means I have not been true to myself.

Now let me tell you what I do like about the above statements. I have never violated the expectations (real or imagined) of fidelity in my relationships. And I have had the wherewithal to exit the situations before moving beyond the boundaries (real or imagined) agreed upon by the parties involved.

If it sounds like a legal disclaimer that's because it gets pretty technical.

I have never sat down with a partner and defined the terms of the relationship. So all those expectations I've mentioned have been more imagined than real.

Tradition seems to have been the hidden partner in my relationships. Which is really weird because I've never been the traditional sort. I don't remember the fairy tale where the princess says, "Darling, I love that you bring home the bacon. And you look smokin hot riding that horse. But I'm gonna need one, maybe two, more lovers to keep me satisfied enough that I don't want to scratch your eyes out or burn this castle to the ground...."

That story hasn't been written yet. Maybe it's time.

There is a word that kinda makes me cringe. Polyamory. By definition, it doesn't sound bad at all. In theory, I like it! But how realistic is it? Don't people get jealous?

I'm not the jealous type. I mean, it's happened on occasion. But both times (that I can recall) I knew that the problem was with the way I saw myself, and not the situation itself. There are plenty of women who would see the person they are with check out someone else and get jealous. It's always made me laugh a little.

So why should something that is more in line with my pattern and history make me cringe. Maybe it is the need to give it a name, to classify it, to define it. Maybe I just don't want to acknowledge it... I don't know.

For now, I'm outside, looking in the window. I am not ready to knock on that door.

Masturbation
Yes!

I have found that it requires imagination or it feels like a yearly exam. But, I have a great imagination. And one "happy place" is better than the next...

While it is better than nothing, it is nowhere near my first choice. All the main physical components are there. So what is missing? The connection with another person. And not just any person, but someone you actually care about.

Or people that you actually care about.

Maybe all this extra heart chakra work I've been doing has had the unexpected side effect of making caring for more than one person seem like a reasonable alternative to the traditional way I've approached relationships. Maybe it has nothing to do with my heart chakra, and has everything to do with my sex drive. Or maybe it's just me.

I don't know.

Love and Healing

This is information I channeled today. Only a small portion of it turned out to be personal information (and that has been omitted). It is good general information that everyone would do well to remember.

The questions I had were on expressing love and healing.

Recently I have been confronted with a situation in other people that made me see the need to examine myself. The issue has to do with heart chakra blockages. I questioned the ethics of removing blocks in other people after doing the initial healing that they asked for. Is it OK to go back and do more work on them after the fact? Here we have an answer...

This is something you/we have been waiting for, the chance to share this information.

Come now and wake up from the illusion you have been laboring under. (The word laboring was chosen because it carries with it the connotation of great effort. It is a lot of work to maintain the illusion.) Awaken to your true identity! You are the creator of your world. You choose the emotion you feel. You choose your thoughts and your actions.

Choose the peaceful path, the path of ease...

(The gist of the omitted portion has to do with the reason why we choose negative emotions. In studying psychology you will learn that the brain automatically will stick with a thought pattern that is negative and familiar over one that is unfamiliar and carries the potential for a positive outcome. Unfamiliar being interpreted as negative...)

You deserve love if you want it.You are love! God is love, and you are god! Share yourself with others. Express yourself with love and others will be drawn to you. Let your love for humankind radiate out around you. Those who vibrate love will be drawn to you like a magnet.

Remove the blocks from around your heart chakra daily. Remove them for yourself first and then for anyone else you wish. Healing is not an invasion of privacy or a violation of trust. On the spirit level we are all one. When you heal another, you heal yourself...

Your (individual human) situation is unique in that you view it through the lens of your past experience. This is the illusion that creates the feeling of separateness. But you are never alone.

The Disappearance of a Dream

"Who can really say upon what foundations our deepest desires are built? We may think we know ourselves, and yet there are always things that remain hidden from view. Just under the surface of our psyche lies a largely unknowable core of beliefs. These beliefs exist in our energetic field in a manner which is electrical and non local. I mean to say that a certain point of energy, the belief, may or may not be related to the point of energy (belief) that seems to be next to it in the linear form."

OK, so that was a little confusing, right?! I'll tell you what just happened...

I have been turning it over in my mind for over a month now about including a post about repressed memories. When I sat down to start this post I could tell that I was channeling, as the language and writing style was not my own. I call this an information download. This happens quite often, and is generally the way in which I receive information when I give readings. Sometimes it feels like an information bomb has been dropped on me and so I scurry around and try to line up all of the pieces and relate them back in a linear way that makes sense to the client, or reader (as the case might be).

So back to the above quote... That was part of the information download. I will try to make more sense of it by sharing with you how it relates to my life and the changes that manifested.

Obviously, this isn't "new" information. It has long been known that memories can cause seemingly random physical sensations. Further, when the memory is brought to the surface and cleared from the energy field, the physical component of that memory is cleared away as well. For example, the child who is teased at school may later develop stomach pains as an adult when they feel judged. Uncover the memory, and the stomach pains go away.

I have been working through some problems with my body-image. I made it a point recently to ask my spirit helpers to do what they do best. Help. By the next day, I received their help in a way in which I didn't expect. I lay down to meditate and out of the blue I was back in my own childhood body. I got the sense I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. I was completely blind. But I could feel what was going on. And I could smell...

It was the smell that brought the memories flooding back.

If you have been reading my blog for any time at all you will know that I have been looking for a place to call home. Somewhere to feel at home. I have had many ideas on what this place would look like and where it would be. However, it generally boiled down to a small country house with a tall fence around it. Safe. Cozy. Safe.

When the repressed memories stopped I found myself out of my body in a void. Despite being out of body, the energy was tactile. I felt enormous and tiny at the same time.

I saw a point of energy and it began to get larger and larger until I could make out that the home I had been envisioning was in front of me, encased inside a bubble. Then the bubble began to float away and eventually burst. I could see the energy it was comprised of dissipate, leaving nothing of the house, or for that matter, the dream of the house.

In the following days and weeks, I was surprised to find that all emotion associated with this dream for a home of my own had dissipated. I did not desire the house I had been envisioning. I'm not attached to the idea at all anymore. Sure I can imagine the house or something like it and say that it would be nice to live there. But I can equally say that it would be nice to live somewhere else, in a different kind of house.

There were farther reaching effects as well. This energy bubble seemed to also include my ultimate dream for the business I wanted to create. In a way, I guess this makes sense as the business idea was built upon the foundation of the desperate need I had to create a home.

In any case, my dream was suddenly gone.

I'm left in a strange situation. What do I focus on without the dream? What do I want now? What do I work towards?

I have found my goals have become less long-term and more reflective of the now. I have found it is so much easier to live in the moment when I am not looking to some future goal to provide me with happiness. Happiness is here now. I just have to take a deep breath and face it.

On the surface I never knew that my dream for a home or the business goal I had was created out of childhood abuse. On the surface I hadn't remembered this abuse. But on the energetic level, these things were so tied to one another that when the abuse was brought to the surface the dream dissipated. And now I'm left with more of something I adore. Freedom.