Leap of Faith

Dedushka

2012-01-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck in the muck. For about a month I have been consumed by fear. It feels as though every subconscious negativity inside me has been released to do its worst. So much so that every moment I live on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what has created this change in me. Couple this with the very creepy dream I had the other night that left me wondering why I hate my sexuality-> my body-> my self. (I also knew from this dream that a healing had taken place on a non-physical level.)

Last night I fell asleep wanting answers and received a visit from the dead.

In my dream I was coming out of an indoor stadium. It was filled with people. I knew I had attended some kind of conference. There was a male energy with me as I left the building. He walked slightly behind me (as he always does) so that I was only aware of his presence and was unaware of who he was or what he looked like.

I saw that there was a scruffy looking old man, a bum, with 2 large key rings full of keys, trying to find a key that would open my car. As I walked up to him I noticed that my car wasn't even locked. I wondered why he thought he needed the keys to get in. He said something to me to the effect of "I don't know why I do these things" or "I don't know where I get the idea to do things like this", "They made me do it". I could smell him and he stank of alcohol. I told him he could get in the car.

For some reason the car was full of boxes of junk. I hadn't remembered all that stuff was in there.

The bum found a spot in the backseat to sit as I got behind the wheel. I turned around and looked at him. We kind of studied each other for a second. And then I felt compelled to tell him I worked as a psychic. He smiled a small smile that quickly turned into a cry. Tears were rolling down his face as he smiled at me.

At first I thought my comment had awakened something in him, helped him make sense of the "odd" things that had happened in his own life. But very clearly, a message came through to me. "I am so proud of you," he said to me.

At that instant I realized this was my grandfather. My Dedushka.

He had only made one near-appearance in my adult life. I was doing a lot of channeling for a period in my life. One day I looked down at the message I had channeled and found a message from him.

My grandfather's appearance wasn't a mere visitation. It has a deep relevance in light of what I was thinking about as I fell asleep. My grandfather was the first person to sexually abuse me. It happened when I was 5 or 6. He had been drunk.

Was this abuse (or the emotional remnants that I can't seem to get over) represented by the boxes of old junk stored in the car of the dream? That seems to be the case. Had I actively been seeking my grandfather's approval? Not consciously. But it does help to connect all the dots and see how differently I am using my gift than the ancestors who passed this gift on to me. I am proud of that too.

Despite what he did to me, I feel very neutral about my grandfather. Perhaps because he was already in spirit by the time I remembered. However, the effects of what he did are still with me.

I am absolutely paranoid about keeping my son safe. I can't bring myself to leave him with a babysitter other than 2 of my dearest friends. And I haven't dated since I split up with his father (over 2 years ago!) because I don't want him to get comfortable around any man (who will surly abuse him when he gets the chance). Fucked-up, right?! I know.

When I pretend I am someone else and I look at me I see an incredible person, beautiful and strong, and filled with light. But when I look at myself as myself, I see (to put it bluntly) a sack of shit. Is this my grandfather's fault? No. To reference the dream, he is in the backseat. I am the one behind the wheel.

Thoughts on the Occupy Movement

2011-10-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

You can't force spiritual evolution.
Not only is it impossible, it can be damaging to the souls involved. What is greed? It is a deep-seated fear of lack mixed with arrogance. Instead of wanting one's needs met, the ego needs its wants met. And it will go out of its way to satisfy this never ending-desire.

How can this be changed? The soul needs to grow up.

When we begin the process of incarnating for spiritual development, we are cut off from Source. The entire process is a journey to get back to Source. Or to put it in more accurate terms, it is a journey to remember oneness of spirit. As the soul ages in regards to its incarnation cycle, it becomes more "enlightened". That means it begins to recognize the light inside and reconnect with it. Eventually, over many lifetimes, the spirit grows up from this egoic, fear-based perspective and begins to act from a higher perspective. One that exemplifies oneness. By its actions, it shows to others that we are all one in spirit. We all come from the same source and make up that Source.

So, how can it be damaging to try to force spiritual evolution? We have to remember that young souls are full of fear. What happens if a hoarder has his fear of not having enough triggered? He frantically begins holding on to more stuff. This is exactly what is happening in the world regarding money. When the fear of those in control of the world's money is triggered, they will feel they must hold on tighter to it.

The good news is, as these souls develop spiritually, they will begin to see that the Universe is abundant and there is plenty to go around. Fear dissipates.

Violence begets more violence.
Now that these peaceful protests have turned violent they will get more media attention. Unfortunately, the attention will highlight the violence. This will have everyone who sees it focused on violence.

We get what we give our attention to. This is a basic universal principle.

What do you want to create? What are you giving your attention to?

Balance.
When it comes down to it, every individual is making a choice who they are giving their money to every time they spend it. Whose wallet are you feeding?

The only person we change is ourselves. It is my hope that enough people start making adjustments in their own behavior that we begin to see a global evening-out of the abundance the Universe provides freely to us all.

The Internal Soundtrack

2011-09-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

It seems like there's always a song playing in the back of my mind. And when I pay attention to it it has always been a good indication of my life stages.

Sometimes it's a disappointing heads-up. Like the time when the song stuck in my head was "I Can't Make You Love Me". It was true afterall... And once enough time had passed I learned to appreciate the saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!"

So imagine my enthusiasm a few weeks ago when I noticed my internal soundtrack was tuned to a song that was a favorite of mine when I was a little kid. The song used to give me warm fuzzies because it sounded exactly like the kind of life I wanted to live.

The song's recent return to my awareness gives me a lot to look forward to as I start to rebuild my life. Also some great advice. Love. Keep things simple. And life will be sweet. :)

Sweet Life by Paul Davis

She's got your eyes
She's got my nose
Oh, and I get high just watching her grow
We always dreamed we'd live in a castle, oh but
We're in the same old shack
Sometimes we get into a hassle
But we always take each other back
Oh, you know
This whole world seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
'Cause we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
Oh, we're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
making our dreams come true
we're makin our dreams come true

You are my love
You are my life
Oh, and I get high just holding you tight
we always dreamed we'd make a lot of money, oh but
I don't mind being poor
'Cause when you make love to me, honey
I couldn't ask for anymore
Oh, you know, all our friends seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on taking our time
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true
Oh, oh
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Sharing my love with you
We're living such a sweet life, oh what a neat life
Making our dreams come true
We're making our dreams come true.

My Life Is Crazy. Or Is It Just Me?

2011-09-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy. C. R. A. Z. Y.

While making plans and arrangements regarding my move to Austin TX, it was clear to me that I didn't want to go. But I felt that I needed to move somewhere with more people in order to make a living. I haven't been doing so well in that department...I said to the universe, "If this is not the right thing for us then something better happen to prevent me from doing it, because this is my plan!"

Feelings of being abandoned by spirit left me without expectation of a response.

Two weeks later the alternator in my truck caught fire. Not only did it take the money I had saved for the move to fix it, it also threw off the entire time line. In order to save that money again I would need another month or two. That meant staying where we were a little longer. But because another couple of months put us too close to winter, with it's snowy mountain passes, we would have to stay put until spring.

I had an entire day to get used to the idea when something else happened.

While I was at the shop picking my truck up from the mechanic I got a phone call from my mother. She never calls me. I answered the phone with "what's wrong?!" She was crying and said she just left the hospital. They had run a bunch of tests on her heart. They told her the heart is OK. She wasn't having heart attacks, it was severe anxiety attacks. This was her second trip to the ER within a few days of each other.

Then she tells me that 3 weeks ago she fell and broke her ankle. When the anxiety attacks had her in the ER the first time the ER doctor did an x-ray on her ankle and saw that it hadn't healed at all. He told her that she was going to need surgery.

She has no medical insurance, and so by the time she called me she was absolutely panicking! I asked her if she wanted to come and stay with me, and she said no and asked if we could come and stay with her. Of course I could. She said she would need help for a couple of months and I told her if we came over it would have to be for long enough that I could save the money I needed to move back to the mailand and reestablish a life when it was time. I told her if I came I'd have to stay for 6 months.

We talked about the possibility of David and I moving here permanently. She told me she would babysit him if I got a job. This seemed like a great idea. I would love for him to spend time with family. So I began to seriously consider staying in Hawaii instead of moving to Austin. I had already calculated the cost of putting my stuff in storage for six months and decided I'd be better off selling what I could and donating the rest.

Within 3 days of my mother's call I had given notice on my apartment, bought plane tickets, listed my furniture for sale, and started sorting out my stuff. In the end, I mailed one big box of stuff to my mother's house in Hawaii and checked 6 suitcases onto the plane. I sold the toddler bed, my desk, couch, and recliner. Everything else was either donated to a thrift store or given to friends. 4 truck loads of stuff. It was a bit traumatic.

That last month went by fast. But I was missing my friends before I even left. And was having anxiety and nightmares about moving in with my mother. We have never really seen eye to eye about anything. There are problems there, to say the least, as she is a Jehovah's Witness and can not accept the things in my life that contradict what her church teaches. She even gave me a list of things I was restricted to do, and websites I was forbidden to look at while I was here. It made me angry at first but when she told me what the restrictions were I had to laugh. She had some pretty odd ideas about what I do with my time and what kind of books I probably read. These were assumptions of course, because she has never wanted to talk to me about what I do as a psychic or how I do it.

Meanwhile... My mother had applied for health insurance and was finally able to make her first appointment with the orthopedic doctor. The appointment was scheduled the same day my son and I arrived. We all got a bit of a shock.

The orthopedic doctor told her that her ankle was in great condition. She would not need surgery and could start working again. In fact, he told her, the ER doctor was absolutely wrong in everything he told her regarding her ankle. There should have been no expectation of the ankle bone being mended at 3 weeks. He scared the shit out of her for no reason. And he dramatically changed the course of all our lives by being flippant and ignorant.

We have both been quite stoic about this, understanding that something greater had to be at work here for events to have lined up the way they did. We know there is a reason I'm here and we are trying to figure out what it is.

The first several days were very difficult. Ugh! She was angry every time she turned around and we were there. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted done and then got mad at me when I didn't do it. Every time David threw a fit she would get angry and tell me she can't live like this. She was discouraging me from buying furniture or a bed for our room and kept saying things about us moving out in a month. I was panicking and had to remind her of our agreement and the reasons why I couldn't move out in a month. Because I have no money left and no things! We have worked a lot of this stuff out and things are going better.

The areas that are going smoothly between us are a bit of a surprise to me. We have been able to talk about what I do and I have found when I use her vocabulary to describe what I do we are actually in agreement about most things! She instinctively understands some deep metaphysical concepts. However she always ties them back in somehow so that they coincide with what her church teaches. This is strange to me. I think it has been a big relief to her to discover that I didn't bring "demons" into her house by being a psychic, and that the thing she calls God is still the focus of my life.

Something else surprising is her request for healing. I have done energy work on her nearly every day. And she is feeling great improvement. I gave her my copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and she is reading it. She keeps coming to me and saying, "Look what she says here... That's what I believe!" or "That's what I always say..."

She is also helping me with David to keep his tantrums under control. He is acting out more than usual now that there is someone new in the picture who is always around. Testing his boundaries. The thing that has helped me the most is just to hear that I am doing the same thing she would have suggested in response to his tantrums. A little emotional support goes a long way!

Within my first few days here I was offered a job at the salon where my mother works part time. She said if we worked opposite days she could watch David while I worked. I was excited until I learned she had more than babysitting in mind. She is a full-time minister in her church. This means that she spends a certain number of hours every month going door-to-door. You know those people who knock on your door early Saturday morning? That's my mother... Her idea of babysitting was to take David with her while she went door-to-door. Hell no! or something similar was my response.

I decided that what I really wanted was to move back home as soon as I have enough money saved. Sure I could make a lot more money here, but I'd rather be home with my friends. Moving home early means that I will not have the cash in hand to build the tiny house that I wanted. I may never be able to do that now. But I will have people around me who love me for who I am and that is more important.

I have seen very little of the island since we've been here. And I didn't want to make an uninformed decision about returning home instead of staying here near family. So we made plans to visit the other side of the island yesterday. There is a town that I was drawn to on the map and I wanted to see it. I told the universe, "I'm moving back home unless a miracle happens..." I had a great fantasy play through my head about walking into a cool-looking shop and the owner offering me a job as a psychic. And, of course, my schedule would be immediately full. Haha!

I think I may have received my miracle, albeit a different miracle than I had envisioned. On the drive to the other side of the island yesterday we came upon a sign for road work and my mother promptly stopped the car and turned around. She said she didn't want to sit in the car for an hour for road work. Bye-bye Haiku, wish I could have met you. Bye-bye cool shop. Bye-bye amazing fantasy job. Bye-bye full appointment book. Bye-bye Hawaii.

More than anything, I just want to go home. I want my life back. I want my friends! And I want to change my mindset because I am imagining that moving back home means I'm going to struggle to make ends meet and I will have to spend the rest of my life without a partner who loves me. I will work on that attitude before I get home. But even if that turns out to be the way it is, I will be home!

Neurobiology and Happiness (a.k.a, The Smiley Meditation)

2011-06-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I have had the chance to re-read my Kryon books. Kryon is a group of angels who channel through Lee Carroll. I love the feel of the information. It is very uplifting. I also bought a new book called Buddha's Brain,The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom.

On the surface it may not seem like the two books would have anything in common. However, they seem to compliment each other very well.

I was in the middle of Kryon Book 10 the day Buddha's Brain came in the mail. I stopped reading right where I was and started the new book. The following is from the last couple of pages I read in Kryon Book 10 before I started on the new book.

Predisposition

What is predisposed in your body? What disease are you going to get because your brother got one or your sister or cousin? This is plain talk. Why don't you eliminate that? This information is about self-empowerment. It's about asking yourself, the Divine-Self, questions about God. Use the power of your own Human consciousness in what you've called intent, every day of your life. Talk to your cellular structure. Maybe it's time you stopped talking with Spirit for a while and instead talked to the Higher-Self within? Do you know that there are trillions of cells waiting for the boss to talk to them?

Some of you have never even addressed your cellular structure, and you wonder why it is out of balance! Have you ever sat down and had a meeting with your body? Perhaps this is something to do alone and not around your friends [good advice]. Then after you've healed yourself and balanced yourself and enabled yourself, they might notice. "Whatever happened to that problem you used to have?" they might ask. And you could say, "Well, I had a meeting with my cells, and boy, were they glad to hear from me! Because I never talked to them before. I've been alive all these years and I never knew I could. You won't believe what they were going to do on their own! So I rewrote their schedule. I created something - a longer life." Now perhaps you'll also start understanding how peace is created in you and what happens when a number of people create peace in themselves...

Ahhh, talk to my cells...

I have done something similar in the past. I used visualizations and affirmations to cure a very serious health condition. I know first-hand that it is possible to redirect the way the body works.

When I ordered Buddha's Brain I wanted to learn to be happy. I wanted a general, sustainable, every-day feeling of happiness. The last couple of months have been very difficult for me, and I really want to get past it. I want to feel like I did before. And (in true Mishell fashion) I wanted it quickly.

I found what I needed within the first chapter of the new book.

Don't let the word neuroscience intimidate you. This is really easy to understand.

Neurons release neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are chemicals that send signals to cells. The neuron releases the neurotransmitter, which travels across the synapse (the tiny space between cell and neuron), and moves into it's place at the other side of the synapse. It looks like this:

If I wanted to use this information to create a visualization for increased happiness, what would those neurotransmitters look like? They'd look like this:

I know it's funny and seems simplistic, but that's exactly the point! It is simple. And I have had terrific success making myself feel better using this visualization. I close my eyes, take a couple deep breaths, and think about my cells filling with these smiley-faced neurotransmitters. I am immediately filled with a sense of well-being. Sometimes I am even brought to laughter. If that isn't healing, what is??

What do you think the outcome would be if you used this simple meditation on a situation that makes you sad? What would happen in your body if you infused that situation with happiness?

Nexus

2011-05-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

This morning I had one of my favorite kind of transcendental experiences. I saw beyond the illusion, to what our reality is made up of.

As I stood on my front step, I turned and looked back behind me. I saw what you would expect to see... The wall, the ground covered with little purple flowers, and a portion of the sky.

All of a sudden, the scene turned into a picture. It had lost its 3 dimensional quality. The picture fractured and pieces began to fall away. When the image was gone, I saw what was underneath. Nothing. There was nothing but blackness.

As I focused on the black I began to see energy. Waves and clouds. There were patterns in the energy and I could also make out symbols. It looked like a very long mathematical problem, but with letters and symbols I am not math-savvy enough to understand.

I have only seen similar "math problems" twice before.

The experience only lasted a moment. But as I stood there, surrounded by blackness, time stopped.

I found myself in authenticity.

I was at the nexus, experiencing the creation of the physical "reality" we humans cling to.

Sometimes I look at my life and see chaos. Sometimes I get to see the underlying order. And it feels as elementary as 1+1=2.

Bluebirds. And "Who Do You Ask for Guidance?"

2011-04-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today I experienced miracle. I asked for a sign. A very specific sign. And I received it.

As I was sitting on my front step this morning a scenario was playing through my mind. Decisions, changes, and possible outcomes scurried around in my thoughts. I put a question out into the universe. "Am I making the right decision?" I asked for a sign that this was the right thing for me. I wanted to see a bluebird.

I got busy and forgot about asking the question until, while out for a walk this afternoon, I saw a bluebird. It was sitting on a fencepost and at first glance I thought it was a ceramic figurine. Then it flew up and landed in a nearby tree... Right next to a second bluebird! Before today I had only seen one bluebird in my entire life. This was truly the answer to my question!

I posted this experience on my Facebook page when I got home and later in the day I received an email from an old friend. She asked me who I direct my questions to when I ask for help. A very good question, I think, because my answer has changed from what it would have been a few years ago and is different than anything I have read.

When I ask for guidance, I just put it out there for anyone to help. I know there are those in spirit whose job it is to help. They love it when we ask because we are more receptive to receiving the signs they are already sending to us.

I used to say that I was asking spirit guides or angels. However, what seems to be the reality is it is myself that I am addressing.

When I talk about "they" and "them" who send the signs, I am talking about the consciousness of energies that exist in the higher levels. Yes, it is a part of me, and it's a part of you. But it's energy signature is one that never really reaches the Earth level. It is a part of me that never resides in my body, only in the higher levels.

We exist on multiple levels at the same time. The way I see it is we are made up of many many different layers. Each layer has a different energetic vibration. These energy bodies get lighter and lighter (and farther away from the human body) until each person's energy bodies cross into each other. Eventually, they unite. This is why it is true when people say we are all one. This also makes it true that there is a god "somewhere out there". Each of us at our highest level is god, the god who is really nothing more than the energy of love, and is comprised of the higher energy bodies of every living thing.

I ask "spirit" for guidance. I use spirit as a general term for the awareness in any of my energy layers that are lighter than me, closer to source energy (god energy). Asking guidance from this love energy ensures that the outcome will be the best for everyone involved, not just the best for me from my clouded human perspective.

Asking why. On Trust, Fear, and Patience.

2011-04-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

I find myself asking why.

When I reach out to the universe for the answer to this question I feel tightness in my throat and stomach and my head is awash with questions.

Do I want to know why in an effort to control my situation? Is it a control issue to need to make sense out of something confusing? Or is the issue one of letting go and trusting in the universe to bring me to my highest good?

If the universe brings me my highest good then I am brought back to asking why. Why would something so random and unlikely create such a powerful change in me that I am forced into a state of complete upheaval? Is that the answer? Had I been lulled to sleep by contentedness and missed the guidance to go in another direction? Were my desires lit and stomped out by the universe in an effort to trigger my habit of running away? It is, after all, a well-established pattern.

Or could the lesson be one of patience?

Over time the threat of not having my needs met has caused me to look for quick solutions. Instant gratification seems to hold back the tide of longing that amounts to oceans of fear.

Lack of patience is all about fear.

That is something I have never consciously considered before!

Since starting on a spiritual path my personal goal has been to remove fear from my life. And I have done well in many areas that have caused me to feel fear in the past. I have come to terms with my psychic abilities. I have learned to open my heart and share myself with other people despite the chance I may have to live with rejection afterwards. I am bold, daring, and always ready to take a chance at something new or unconventional. In many respects I am fearless.

However, the fear of lack is a ghost always whispering in my ear. I’m not afraid of lacking things. I don’t really care about things. But I still carry a lot of fear when it comes to my relationships with other people. Most of the time I would rather attempt to entirely eliminate any need for another person rather than own to my actually needing someone else. So I learn all I can, and do everything for myself. Do I fear not having people in my life so I respond proactively by removing any need for them? If I don't need them they can never let me down.

This fear of trusting someone else could be the heart of my difficulties with being patient.

Now, it seems, I start a new chapter. Be patient and learn to trust.

Gifting Heart Chakra Energy

2011-04-12T12:50:00.002-07:00

It was a spur of the moment idea. I had been doing energy work and clearing my chakras. My heart felt so full of love it was spilling over. So with my thoughts and intention, I invited anyone who wanted to share this energy with me.

With my mind's eye, I saw the space around me fill with people who wanted to share the energy. Some of them I knew, and some were total strangers.

Their reactions took me by surprise. For the most part, the strangers appeared to me as shadows. They filed in, stood in my energy field, and left with no emotion. They remained shadows. However, those I knew appeared with their full personalities.

I began doing this exercise as a result of some information I channeled in December and have been doing it almost daily ever since.

There is always something unique that happens with every session and I find it beautiful the way our collective spirit(s) responds to the invitation of love.

Here are a few of the experiences that stand out the most to me...

I have seen strangers bring friends with them. And have also noticed that the number of strangers that show up increases every time I do the exercise. Sometimes I get a scene in my mind's eye of a busy hospital waiting room. And that is appropriate in a way because heart chakra energy is healing energy.

E is someone I have known for a really long time. She is a dear friend and she knows I love her because I have told her many times. However, when I sent out the thought to share the heart chakra energy, she stood just at the edge of the energy field. She looked very sad, as if she thought the invitation was for everyone else and not her. I had to specifically invite her in.

Another friend I'll call C jumped right in and started dancing around, pleased as punch to be there! This made me laugh, as she always does.

L is a bit aloof in life, but when I sent out the intention to share the energy, he was one of the first to arrive. He hugged me and would not let go throughout the entire exercise. In fact, this is the way he responds nearly every time I offer to share heart chakra energy.

J was a brand new friend who I hardly knew at all, but he made himself right at home. He swam around in my energy field. He glided and swirled around me like an eel. Not only did he soak up the heart chakra energy, he also sent out to me what seemed like electricity. This electricity opened my heart chakra even further and I began to channel universal energy through my crown chakra and out my heart. This intensified the experience for everyone involved. It was truly incredible, and almost ecstatic!

It is a simple exercise for anyone who would like to do it. Imagine the heart chakra as a pink ball of light. This light should be crystal clear, and situated in the middle of your chest. Take a deep breath and allow the energy ball to grow until it is as big as you can get it. Then in your mind, send out the offer to share this heart chakra energy with anyone who would like to share it.

It's a great way to spread the love and raise your vibration.

Regarding Love

2011-03-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

I love. It's what I do.

Over time it has become clear to me that all love is the same. I love men, women, and children the same. Feeling love for one individual will create the exact same feeling in my body as feeling love for anyone else. Man, woman, or child. Once sexuality has been separated from "love" it is all identical.

I tend to find things out the hard way. Perhaps that's what I need for the lessons to make the biggest impact...

It seems I began this lesson when I started using my psychic abilities as a way of life. There is something indescribable about looking at and merging consciousness with someone's soul. Their truest essence. While I am reading them we are one in spirit. There is an entrainment that happens in order for me to pick up on what is going on in their life. And when that happens I fall in love.

Does that mean that I love everyone who I have psychically picked up information from? No. Many times it makes me shiver and I want to shake the person off. Or take a shower. But when I resonate with someone I love them.

It gets confusing for me though because human nature, with it's many layers of fears and negative experiences, is often so very different from who and what a person's spirit is. The "inside" does not always match the "outside". Psychic awareness has led me to make some odd decisions. I can't say I have made wrong decisions, but I will say that my choices have caused me much grief. And had I understood the distinction between spirit and human years ago I may have followed an easier path.

Now, to make things even more confusing, add sexuality back into the picture. Some people have the experience of being attracted to and falling in love with one person. Or at least one person at a time. I married a man whose spirit I fell in love with. The human side of our relationship was a complete mismatch. Since our separation I have fallen in love with two other people. And I still love both of them. True Love. That is to say I love the truest part of each of them. Without expectation or agenda.

In the past, I chose to reject and suppress my feelings. But that doesn't feel right anymore. So, what to do??

The impossibility of ever again consenting to a strictly monogamous relationship has become abundantly clear to me.

But now lifestyle changes are in order. My old beliefs no longer suit this new awareness. And in this new awareness there is no resonance for limiting beliefs that box me in, or traditional ideas that dictate who I can be with.

When I love I have to be able to express that love or resentment will grow in me like a cancer, fighting something that is unnatural. For me suppression is unnatural.

What does this mean for my future? I have no idea. How will this work in any future relationship? I don't have a clue! But it seems to me, the better I know myself, the more likely I am to find someone who will love the truest part of me. True Love.

A Few Odds and Ends...

2011-02-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

I find myself in the rare position of having some quiet time right now, as the little one is napping. I'd like to take the opportunity to write a fantastic blog about something profound, but nothing comes to mind. However there are a few odds and ends that I can combine and post here now.

Item 1.
This week I took the ultimate leap and did something I will never EVER be able to change my mind about. I now have two tattoos. And they are not easily hidden. Perhaps you remember this post from over a year ago on body modification."Oh boo-hoo, people will judge me..." or something like that. I've stopped caring about that. My goal was to please myself. And when I am happy with myself, people (whether they are potential clients or potential friends) will be drawn to my happiness. Which brings me to...

Item 2.
In order to be happy, you have to be happy. Or I could put that another way. To have a happy life, you have to have a happy self. It took me 37 years to figure this out. But the realization went something like this, "So, in order for me to be happy... I have to be happy? I have to do things that make me happy..!" Now I get it! And I am living it. Happiness for me! ME! This is not how I was raised to think, so it is a miracle that I was able to make the shift in thinking. Thank goodness for modern miracles.

Item 3.
I have discovered something incredible. As much as I love sex and think about it pretty much all the time, what I discovered is it is not the sex that I crave. It is the connection. I came to this conclusion by accident. On one of my most frustrated days so far I had to do something to work off the energy. I put my kid in the stroller and went for a walk. A couple was walking up the other direction and the man looked at me when they passed. All he did was make eye contact. He didn't even smile, but I felt a huge portion of the frustration leave me. It was very noticeable to me. Since that day I have practiced with this eye contact thing many times. And it works every time. I had a couple conversations with full eye (not body!) contact and it was euphoric. Euphoric, I say! And the poor guy I was talking to had no idea what hit him. He couldn't take his eyes off of me. This got me thinking about...

Item 4.
Flirting. I never thought I knew how. And I never wanted to because it felt like manipulation. Not my thing. However, a bit of eye contact seems to make everyone feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

Shamanic Soul-Retrieval

2011-02-03T18:12:00.003-08:00

The other day I decided to do another shamanic soul-retrieval on myself.

The last time I brought an aspect back in this way it took quite a while to reintegrate, and I experienced some odd physical manifestations of her presence in my body. But over time she healed. She was only 7 and I got the chance to mother her the way she needed.

So, I settled in to do the soul-retrieval and asked where I needed to go. I immediately saw a number in my mind's eye. I knew it had to do with something that happened when I was that age. Then I saw a scene from a 3rd person perspective. I was sitting on my bed talking on the phone. I remember the situation.

I was rejected by the person I considered to be the love of my life. The ultimate heartbreak because he loved me too, but couldn't reconcile his feelings with what other people expected of him. That was many years ago. I still love him but we have never spoken again.

The pain of that rejection caused a part of me to withdraw from my consciousness. She was easy to collect again and reintegrate. She seemed to want to come back but was afraid of feeling the pain again. I told her about all the good things in our life now. And that we have a baby who she didn't know. She was glad to be back, able to hold her son.

I can't really describe what is feels like to have an aspect of yourself return to your body. But I could see her entering me and as soon as she was in I had a memory return of something that happened between that guy and me. It was a nice memory. I hadn't thought about it, remembered it at all, but it seems to be the place she was stuck. The place in time she was reliving that kept her separated from my full consciousness for so long.

Anyway, she is back with me and I am definitely feeling her heartbreak. But I know that I will be able to get through this easily enough! I'll just keep focused on all the good that is in my life, because right now is the happiest I've ever been!

You can learn more about soul-retrieval in the book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self by Sandra Ingerman

Self Love

2011-01-30T07:43:00.001-08:00

My resolution this year was to show love and compassion for everyone including myself. I threw that "including myself" in there at the last moment, not realizing at the time that that was the direction my next life lessons were going to move me.

I know I started out loving myself. But over time it dwindled. I was made fun of every time I was caught looking in the mirror. And by the time I was 7 it was a family joke. 30 years later it is still a family joke. And that was just for looking in the mirror. God help me if I was caught smiling into the mirror or touching my face. The teasing would go on for days. Or years as it happens...

I learned to think that appreciating myself was vain. Vanity was bad. I learned that if it was funny that I liked what I saw in the mirror, then my opinion must be flawed. I must be wrong. I must be ugly. I learned this very young and the way of thinking became a habit. My constant companion. As you know, old habits are the hardest to break.

As I got older I had a talent for attracting people to me who made me feel bad about myself. Usually this was through their indifference to me. In my last relationship I don't think I was complimented more than a few times in 3 years.

One of my early blog entries was about song lyric messages that I was receiving. Love songs. I've been getting these messages all along. The last one was yesterday morning as I was waking up. So, as you might expect, I have been waiting for someone to fall in love with me. But yesterday it finally occurred to me that it was me that needed to fall in love with me.

I mentioned advice I channeled about clearing heart chakra blockages. I followed the advice and began removing blocks and charging up my heart chakra every day. I started noticing synchronicity right away. And almost like in an investigation, one clue leads to another, which leads to another... Finally there is a clear picture.

I followed the clues and was led to a new friend. A teacher. Someone who knows what I do not. My intent is to retrain my thinking so that I recognize how lovable I am. To see that it isn't bad to think I'm beautiful. To never fear rejection because it isn't a reflection of my worthiness...

One of my favorite quotes is this: "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."

I'm ready!

Illumination

2011-01-07T07:39:00.001-08:00

It's kind of funny how simple messages don't make any sense, and then out of the blue the switch flips and the message becomes easily understandable. The light comes on. Everything is illuminated.

I have a friendship that is almost entirely founded upon text messages. It is a frustrating relationship. There is little to no human interaction. This is not what I want. So, I invite my friend over. But for some reason or another my friend can't make it. I try to take each instance on it's own merit rather than adding up all the occurrences and drawing some kind of conclusion. But in the end I am left with feelings of rejection. The pain of this is acute. Rejection is my worst fear.

Christmas morning I woke up from a dream in which I received a text message from this friend. At the end of the message the phone gave me the opportunity to "continue" or "reject". I chose to continue. I woke up irritated with myself. I want the hurt to end, and yet when given the opportunity to reject it all, I hit the "continue" button?!

Meanwhile, the Universe has been sending me different versions of the same message. Over and over I am told to get clear about what I want. These words are simple, and yet they make no sense to me.

This morning I woke up singing a song to myself. Not the whole song, just one line. "But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms..." I looked at the clock and it was only 5 something. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not get the song out of my head. After 12 minutes of this I became lucid enough to remind myself to write it down in my dream journal. All of a sudden I could hear another message underneath the words of the song. Someone was saying to me, "Mishell, decide what you want. Don't just accept what you can get."

And the light finally came on.

Growing up we were always told, whether outright or indirectly, to take what is given and and don't even think about wanting anything else! Accept and settle. And be grateful too, because it's this or nothing.

The idea was injected into every facet of my life for many many years. From the food we ate and the clothes we wore, to the people we were allowed to form any kind of interpersonal relationship with...

Accept and settle.

I wasn't aware that I was still holding on to this limiting belief.

If this really is the year of manifesting, then it is time to get clear about what I want.

As much as I love all my far-away friends, and as much as I appreciate them (You!) for being connected to me (albeit virtually) through some of the most difficult and alone years of my life, what I want now is to make friends that I can touch. To reach out for a hug or a pat on the back. To grow rooted relationships with people that I choose in this place that I live and love.

Tarot - My Way

2010-12-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

I guess I read tarot a little differently than most. I use a modified Celtic Cross spread, and then read the cards as if they were sentences. There are 4 sentences. I read middle, bottom, and top lines, then the line on the right side that goes from the bottom up.

The layout looks something like this:

    9
   4       8
3   1 5    7
         2             6

I interpret the cards based on the traditional meanings and I also pick up information psychically. When I have finished the traditionally-styled reading, I start over. This time I hold my hands over the cards and channel information that may or may not be related to the first reading. It feels like the cards are talking to me. This reading tends to be full of more personal information and advice.

I do my own tarot reading a few times a year. It one of the easiest ways for me to be objective about information that I receive about myself.

This was my reading from yesterday:

1. The World
2. King of Wands
3. 10 of Wands
4. King of Pentacles
5. 5 of Pentacles
6. 10 of Cups
7. 3 of Pentacles
8. 10 of Pentacles
9. The Lovers

A new beginning where the world seems to be at your fingertips! Be cautious about your perspective. Be cautious about how much you take on. Do not over do it or you will face an "energy deficit" that will rob you of the ability to perform [take part] [participate in] [enjoy] your craft.
A man, who by his [absence] [disinterest?] brings the lesson of what it means to be complete.
A man who brings a business opportunity.
Love what you do. Find fulfillment in it. Find that part you think is missing.

This is the time you have been looking forward to.
Do not deny the stirrings of your heart; your soul. The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to find what it is you truly desire.
Let go of expectations. Stop assigning meaning to each event that transpires in your interpersonal relationships. Do not add them up as if they were a mathematical equation. You will not get the proper solution. They do not add up to what you think they do...
Let go of the mental burdens you carry! Beliefs are meant to be challenged! Long-standing assumptions will be met head-on and proved to be without value or merit.
Accept help when it is offered.
A shift in perspective is all that is required of you to see how rich you are [with companions]. Loneliness is poverty for those who are not generous with themselves. Share who you are! Share what you know. Share love!
Some things are meant to be secret until the time is right. But know this: The life you've envisioned is already as real as it can be. When your eyes have opened enough to see it, you will find that it has been in place all along. It is existing in another reality and only requires a shifted perspective for it to be real in the reality where your awareness is focused.
What you want is there, but you still have to bring it into consciousness.

My favorite piece of information in this reading was the part about adding events together as if they were math problems. I've always done this! "So, this happened, then this happened, so it must mean ..." But it looks like I have been drawing the wrong conclusions.

This is the first thing I can change that will help in the shifted perspective I've been asked to develop.

Sex, Monogamy, Masturbation, and Being a Single Mom

2010-12-22T19:05:00.006-08:00

Let's talk about sex, BAY BE...

This is gonna get personal. And please forgive me if it turns into a rant.

Sex
As a very brief introduction I will say that my sex drive completely disappeared the second I got pregnant with my son. But now an unfortunate thing has occurred. My sex drive has returned. The sleeping giant has awoken!

It's a painful existence for this poor giant. Let's just be honest here. I've spent most of my adult life painfully horny. Even when I was married. Somehow I managed to find the only 23 year old who wasn't interested in sex.

Divorce opened the door to a little variety. But even the prospect of sex didn't seem to keep my dance card full, if you know what I mean.

I was in for other surprises too. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Not all men care about sex! And there are guys who, despite caring about it, will refuse to do it when it is insisted upon that they wear a condom! And some guys would rather get stoned than get laid! And others prefer to masturbate...

At least those were the main categories for the guys I wound up with.

Never did I find the guy who could keep up with me. Or who attempted to try.

I know myself better than ever, and I am more comfortable with who I am than I have been in the past. Under normal circumstances, these would be ideal conditions for great sex! But I'm single, and I have a child. I will not bring strangers into my house. And since I'm not in a relationship... I'm kinda left in the cold.

Monogamy (aka Monotony)
I have never been in a relationship where I have not been attracted to someone else. Has anyone? I'll do ya one even better. I have never been in love with someone and not fallen in love with someone else at the same time. I have never been in an open relationship. And I have never cheated on anyone.

Let me tell you what I don't like about what I just said. I have denied and suppressed a lot of feelings over the years! Which, ultimately, means I have not been true to myself.

Now let me tell you what I do like about the above statements. I have never violated the expectations (real or imagined) of fidelity in my relationships. And I have had the wherewithal to exit the situations before moving beyond the boundaries (real or imagined) agreed upon by the parties involved.

If it sounds like a legal disclaimer that's because it gets pretty technical.

I have never sat down with a partner and defined the terms of the relationship. So all those expectations I've mentioned have been more imagined than real.

Tradition seems to have been the hidden partner in my relationships. Which is really weird because I've never been the traditional sort. I don't remember the fairy tale where the princess says, "Darling, I love that you bring home the bacon. And you look smokin hot riding that horse. But I'm gonna need one, maybe two, more lovers to keep me satisfied enough that I don't want to scratch your eyes out or burn this castle to the ground...."

That story hasn't been written yet. Maybe it's time.

There is a word that kinda makes me cringe. Polyamory. By definition, it doesn't sound bad at all. In theory, I like it! But how realistic is it? Don't people get jealous?

I'm not the jealous type. I mean, it's happened on occasion. But both times (that I can recall) I knew that the problem was with the way I saw myself, and not the situation itself. There are plenty of women who would see the person they are with check out someone else and get jealous. It's always made me laugh a little.

So why should something that is more in line with my pattern and history make me cringe. Maybe it is the need to give it a name, to classify it, to define it. Maybe I just don't want to acknowledge it... I don't know.

For now, I'm outside, looking in the window. I am not ready to knock on that door.

Masturbation
Yes!

I have found that it requires imagination or it feels like a yearly exam. But, I have a great imagination. And one "happy place" is better than the next...

While it is better than nothing, it is nowhere near my first choice. All the main physical components are there. So what is missing? The connection with another person. And not just any person, but someone you actually care about.

Or people that you actually care about.

Maybe all this extra heart chakra work I've been doing has had the unexpected side effect of making caring for more than one person seem like a reasonable alternative to the traditional way I've approached relationships. Maybe it has nothing to do with my heart chakra, and has everything to do with my sex drive. Or maybe it's just me.

I don't know.

Love and Healing

2010-12-18T16:13:00.001-08:00

This is information I channeled today. Only a small portion of it turned out to be personal information (and that has been omitted). It is good general information that everyone would do well to remember.

The questions I had were on expressing love and healing.

Recently I have been confronted with a situation in other people that made me see the need to examine myself. The issue has to do with heart chakra blockages. I questioned the ethics of removing blocks in other people after doing the initial healing that they asked for. Is it OK to go back and do more work on them after the fact? Here we have an answer...

This is something you/we have been waiting for, the chance to share this information.

Come now and wake up from the illusion you have been laboring under. (The word laboring was chosen because it carries with it the connotation of great effort. It is a lot of work to maintain the illusion.) Awaken to your true identity! You are the creator of your world. You choose the emotion you feel. You choose your thoughts and your actions.

Choose the peaceful path, the path of ease...

(The gist of the omitted portion has to do with the reason why we choose negative emotions. In studying psychology you will learn that the brain automatically will stick with a thought pattern that is negative and familiar over one that is unfamiliar and carries the potential for a positive outcome. Unfamiliar being interpreted as negative...)

You deserve love if you want it.You are love! God is love, and you are god! Share yourself with others. Express yourself with love and others will be drawn to you. Let your love for humankind radiate out around you. Those who vibrate love will be drawn to you like a magnet.

Remove the blocks from around your heart chakra daily. Remove them for yourself first and then for anyone else you wish. Healing is not an invasion of privacy or a violation of trust. On the spirit level we are all one. When you heal another, you heal yourself...

Your (individual human) situation is unique in that you view it through the lens of your past experience. This is the illusion that creates the feeling of separateness. But you are never alone.

The Disappearance of a Dream

2010-11-29T20:55:00.002-08:00

"Who can really say upon what foundations our deepest desires are built? We may think we know ourselves, and yet there are always things that remain hidden from view. Just under the surface of our psyche lies a largely unknowable core of beliefs. These beliefs exist in our energetic field in a manner which is electrical and non local. I mean to say that a certain point of energy, the belief, may or may not be related to the point of energy (belief) that seems to be next to it in the linear form."

OK, so that was a little confusing, right?! I'll tell you what just happened...

I have been turning it over in my mind for over a month now about including a post about repressed memories. When I sat down to start this post I could tell that I was channeling, as the language and writing style was not my own. I call this an information download. This happens quite often, and is generally the way in which I receive information when I give readings. Sometimes it feels like an information bomb has been dropped on me and so I scurry around and try to line up all of the pieces and relate them back in a linear way that makes sense to the client, or reader (as the case might be).

So back to the above quote... That was part of the information download. I will try to make more sense of it by sharing with you how it relates to my life and the changes that manifested.

Obviously, this isn't "new" information. It has long been known that memories can cause seemingly random physical sensations. Further, when the memory is brought to the surface and cleared from the energy field, the physical component of that memory is cleared away as well. For example, the child who is teased at school may later develop stomach pains as an adult when they feel judged. Uncover the memory, and the stomach pains go away.

I have been working through some problems with my body-image. I made it a point recently to ask my spirit helpers to do what they do best. Help. By the next day, I received their help in a way in which I didn't expect. I lay down to meditate and out of the blue I was back in my own childhood body. I got the sense I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. I was completely blind. But I could feel what was going on. And I could smell...

It was the smell that brought the memories flooding back.

If you have been reading my blog for any time at all you will know that I have been looking for a place to call home. Somewhere to feel at home. I have had many ideas on what this place would look like and where it would be. However, it generally boiled down to a small country house with a tall fence around it. Safe. Cozy. Safe.

When the repressed memories stopped I found myself out of my body in a void. Despite being out of body, the energy was tactile. I felt enormous and tiny at the same time.

I saw a point of energy and it began to get larger and larger until I could make out that the home I had been envisioning was in front of me, encased inside a bubble. Then the bubble began to float away and eventually burst. I could see the energy it was comprised of dissipate, leaving nothing of the house, or for that matter, the dream of the house.

In the following days and weeks, I was surprised to find that all emotion associated with this dream for a home of my own had dissipated. I did not desire the house I had been envisioning. I'm not attached to the idea at all anymore. Sure I can imagine the house or something like it and say that it would be nice to live there. But I can equally say that it would be nice to live somewhere else, in a different kind of house.

There were farther reaching effects as well. This energy bubble seemed to also include my ultimate dream for the business I wanted to create. In a way, I guess this makes sense as the business idea was built upon the foundation of the desperate need I had to create a home.

In any case, my dream was suddenly gone.

I'm left in a strange situation. What do I focus on without the dream? What do I want now? What do I work towards?

I have found my goals have become less long-term and more reflective of the now. I have found it is so much easier to live in the moment when I am not looking to some future goal to provide me with happiness. Happiness is here now. I just have to take a deep breath and face it.

On the surface I never knew that my dream for a home or the business goal I had was created out of childhood abuse. On the surface I hadn't remembered this abuse. But on the energetic level, these things were so tied to one another that when the abuse was brought to the surface the dream dissipated. And now I'm left with more of something I adore. Freedom.

The Strangest Thing That Has EVER Happened to Me

2010-11-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

Imagine being me... I can communicate with dead people, see the past, feel other people's emotions, and see future potentials. I do psychic healing, channel beings from who-knows-where, astral project, and read auras. I can tell what people look like before I've seen their face, have experienced missing time, and experienced the pure love of the universe, etc, etc.

So when I say this is the strangest thing that has ever happened, you kind of have to take that into the context I detailed above...

A week ago, my son and I left for a little vacation. I wanted to visit a few towns I was considering a possible move to.

We arrived to the first town and was immediately struck by how kind everyone was. Friendly and chatty. I was offered help and answers to questions. I really liked the place. After driving around town, and getting a feel for the place, I decided I really like it there and would certainly move there. But I still had a couple more places to look at.

The second night we were there we had dinner with some old friends who happen to be from the second town on my trip list. She told me something that made me strike that town off of my list. I was grateful for her past experience there and was glad to have her perspective.

So, our trip was shortened and we were headed for the coast. But the weather started getting bad... We drove through snow for two hours and when someone on the radio mentioned mountain passes, I pulled over and decided I needed to find out how the roads were. I had no internet signal and could not get a single person on the phone to check the road reports for me. I had to make a decision on the spot. I decided to go back the way we came...

First attempt to leave town foiled by bad weather...

Here is where it starts to get strange.

I had found my way around town beautifully the whole time I was there. On the morning of my second attempt to leave town, the desk clerk at the hotel gave me the name of a property management company that he used when he moved there. As it was just off the main road that headed out of town I decided to stop. When I was done there I got onto the road out of town and headed east. I knew where I was because I had been there for 4 days, AND I had made this drive many, many times in the last 18 years... I crossed the main road that goes north and south through town. I passed the businesses and state park that told me I was on my way home.

Everything was familiar!

And then all of a sudden IT WAS NOT!

I can not tell you what happened.

I knew exactly where I was, and then without making a single turn, I was lost. I kept driving, thinking that my memory had played a trick on me and blamed the unrecognizability (had to make up that word) of everything on the fact that I was making the drive at a different time of day. After a little while the road I was on started to get narrower. The trees were getting denser. I passed a road crew. Drove a couple more miles and the road came to dead end.

It was obvious something was wrong. ;-)

I turned around and when I got back to the road crew I asked for directions. The guy looked at me like I had purple broccoli growing out of my ears. He told me that I was 20 miles south of town.

As sure as I was that I had gone the right direction on my way out of town, I was willing to concede that I may have made a mistake. But as I drove through town and got back on the same east-bound highway, and started recognizing all the same businesses, and the same state park, I started freaking out a little bit. This was the way I had come and hour and a half ago.

We pulled into a McDonald's, where I could get internet access, and waited there for nearly an hour until I calmed down. As this seemed to be the perfect opportunity do do some social networking, I did so... A couple friends jokingly said maybe I was supposed to stay in town. I think there is truth in that!

Ever since I started seriously considering this place as somewhere we could move, I have been experiencing odd energy sensations. There were overwhelming feelings of familiarity in parts of town that I had never been to before. And it even seemed like I already knew some of the people!

As much as I don't like the term "supposed to", I absolutely know that something is waiting for me in this town! And it feels like something good.

We left McDonald's, got back on that same east-bound highway, and headed home. Again.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened this time.

The next day I turned in notice on my apartment. A good friend volunteered to help me move. She will be here December 7 and we will make the drive together.

And so my next crazy adventure begins...

Old, Fat, and Happy

2010-11-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

The other day, a friend pointed out to me that I always seemed to have died young in my past lives. My mind raced as I wondered if this was true. I concluded that, for the most part, it is. Blimey. However, there was one past life that I was immediately able to recall where I died old.

The year was 1265, in what I believe was in Ireland, although it can be pretty tough to tell when going this far back.

I was the female half of an old pudgy couple. My clothes were different shades of neutral colors. Grey, grey-green, brown. Everything looked and felt as though it were made of wool. My hair was grey and the sky was too. Even the landscape was grey as it seemed to be entirely made of rock.

My husband and I loved each other very much. We had been together for a very long time and sometimes it seemed that there was no distinction between the two of us. Almost as if we were the same organism functioning as two parts of a whole. It felt safe, secure, and lovely knowing everything about each other. No secrets, no surprises. Every day was like the next, and we were happy in every moment, never thinking about the next...

Knowing each other as well as we did, we found it unnecessary to verbally communicate. The way we interacted with one another was almost telepathic. People marveled at this ability we shared.

Our home was a south-facing stone building which consisted of two rooms. One larger room served as living room, dining, room, kitchen, tool shed, work room. Now let me paint a picture. The front door was small. Even short people like us had to bend to walk through it. Upon entering the house, there was a bench to the right with a long pillow on it. This was our living room. To the left of the front door was a window and window box. This was my husband's box and he kept fishing supplies in it. On the west wall was the fireplace. It was wide and tall, and covered over half of the west wall. In front of the fireplace was the table. It was big and sturdy. It served as the dining room, work room, and kitchen. Above the table was a net/screen which we used to dry herbs and fish.

Along the north wall was our bedroom, which was hardly bigger than the bed. And my husband's tools hung on the wall on the other side of the doorway.

My husband was a fisherman, and I made poultices and healing balms that the villagers would buy or trade for. My husband and I also acted as counselors. This seemed to be our true calling, and something we never accepted money for. We freely gave our advice and love, and always felt loved in return.

If someone (or a couple) was experiencing problems, they would approach us and ask to visit. At our house they would sit on the bench and my husband would sit next to them. He would place his hand on their shoulder or hand, and I would get pictures in my mind of what would remedy their situation. Sometimes it was an herb tea, medicine, or a different type of advice such as a way to behave.

One morning, as I was mashing up dried herbs, my husband left to go fishing. He never returned.

The villagers looked for him, but no one found him. I became bed-ridden with grief. My health didn't exactly deteriorate, I just lost the will to live. I was like this for 9 or 10 months before I fell asleep and didn't wake up.

I was never alone after my husband died. People from the village sat by my side and talked to me and held my hand. We had never had children, but these people from the village, who we had helped, loved us like family. They stayed with me until the end.

As I died, I became aware that I was sleeping and that I was something separate from my body. I saw the sky open up and the room filled with a gold light. I saw my husband look down at me. He was again the fresh-faced teenager that I had married. He reached out for me and I took his hand as I left this world.

In some way, I think, the problem I have had with never feeling like I fit anywhere has been because of this lifetime. Part of me has been searching for the home I had then, and the love and acceptance I experienced. To find that kind of companionship, and to be loved by people who are grateful for the help I can give them is a dream I hope to realize once again.

Balancing Lifetimes of Cruelty

2010-10-26T08:51:00.002-07:00

(When I do a past life regression I don't censor the information as it come in because I am pretty focused on seeing what happens next. This was one of those cases where I was so surprised by part of what I saw that I had a hard time believing it. Most of it made perfect sense to me though!)

I was in the desert. The heat was suffocating. The air was heavy and thick with dust and sand. I was the assistant to the overseer in charge of building a very large stone pyramid.

I hated my boss. He was cruel and selfish and cared nothing about the workers.

He had been given a budget to build the pyramid, but was able to siphon off money for himself by underpaying the workers and rationing their food to the point they nearly starved. He used the money he stole to have a palace built for himself while the workers and I lived in tents.

Our race had been given a gift of technology. It was unobtrusive and yet very powerful. It looked like a stick or a wand, and was about 20 inches long. There were tiny symbols imprinted onto one end, and when it was placed near a stone brick in a certain way the stones became lighter. They could even be made to levitate. Use of this technology was explained on a set of scrolls that the overseer kept in his possession at all times.

The overseer was in charge of the use of this technology and would with-hold it according to his whim, forcing the workers to move and lift the giant stone bricks with nothing but their strength.

Like I said, I hated him for his cruelty. And I hated him because he made me carry out the cruel punishments.

I decided to kill him, steal the scrolls, and ease the burden of the workers.

It was night time when I sneaked into his house. I hid behind a heavy curtain and waited. It was early morning when he came into the room. He had his back to me as he picked something up off of the table. I crept up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder. As he turned around, I stabbed him in the guts. I had enough time to notice that my hand felt warm before I remembered to grab the scrolls and run. However, as I was attempting to leave, his body guards ran in and stabbed me.

I was in shock as they picked me up and threw me outside just as the sun was coming up. I slowly bled to death as I watched the sun inch across the sky. Unable to move, I bled and burned until I finally left my body.

Balance

The overseer was someone who is very close to me in this life. Despite being "close", we never had an ideal relationship. Nothing I ever did was good enough to please, and I can say that our reactions toward each other have always been of general dislike. Harsh, I know, but I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

This lifetime building the pyramid, and a few others with this same soul, gave me such deep insight.

In this life she was abandoned and abused by nearly every adult in her life. She was sexually abused and a kid and raped when she got older. It is a wonder she grew into a functioning adult at all.

My attitude toward her changed dramatically when I was able to see the growth of her soul. I can't look at her with out seeing a soul who was cruel and violent turn into someone who abhors violence of any kind. And I have compassion for her for the lives she must have lived that I wasn't a part of (and therefor unable to examine through past-life regression). It can take many lifetimes for that kind of karma to even itself out. And from what I know of her life, she must have gained a lot of balance this time around.

For what it's worth, my attitude change helped things between us a little bit. But, we still have a long way to go...

Challenging Relationships

2010-10-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

No relationship is perfect, but some are more of a challenge than others. I have stated before that the best way to find information on a current relationship is through past life regression.

It is a misconception that we plan our lives in a "you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you" kind of way. From what I have seen, this is a rarity. Patterns usually occur in which the same soul will play a similar roll in relationship to you within each incarnation. I saw an example of this with one of my clients who experienced a challenging relationship with the same soul who played the part of someone demanding and domineering, and who happened to be put in a position of superiority. In one life they were an abused wife and in another was bullied by a work colleague.

It is worth noting that it takes an incredible amount of love for a soul to take on the role of the challenger. I have seen this while doing readings for others and have experienced it in a very profound way within my life regarding my own challenging relationships.

The Soul Agreement

Let's discuss my former mother-in-law.

She was a manipulator who never thought I was good enough to be part of their family. She was cruel in ways that completely baffled me. I wondered about why she would say things that hurt me so bad emotionally that it caused physical pain.

For some reason, in the years following my divorce, I would have dreams about her. Strange dreams where she and I were happy to see each other and would talk about what's going on in our lives, like we were the best of friends. In these dreams there seemed to be a great deal of love between us.

When I learned how to consciously astral project, and began to recognize the visual cues of a projection, I realized that the dreams I had been having about her were actual meetings in the spirit world. During one of these meetings I became lucid enough to ask her why she treated me the way she had.

One of the things that surprised me was that she said the soul agreement I had during that part of my life was with her, not the person I was married to. She said I ended up married to him because I had a contract with her. She came into my life to pull me out of my shell, isolate me enough for me to see that I could survive on my own. Essentially, she agreed to make me so miserable that I would begin to question my life and my beliefs and see that there was another way to live.

She did this perfectly!

My questioning the beliefs I had been raised with was like pulling a brick out from the bottom of a pyramid. Eventually, everything that was resting on that belief began to crumble to the ground. I was left with no choice but to start rebuilding my belief systems and verifying each piece of information as to whether it was something that I had been programed to believe or if it was something coming from inside of me. It was difficult, emotional work. But it afforded me an opportunity that most people don't get. I had the chance to know and like the real me.

Past Life Patterns

Oh, the men in my life!

I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but there are patterns with particular souls that mirror the relationship we have have in this life. When I was dating, I enjoyed exploring past lives to get an idea about the kind of men I was spending my time with. It was also useful for showing me what I could expect to come of the relationship. Here are two examples.

When I dated C, I always felt like he was lying to me. I discovered a past life where he was my fiance. I was part of a very wealthy family, but when my family disowned me and I was left with nothing, he left me and married my sister instead. In another life he was a fiance who abandoned me when I became ill. The pattern played itself out in this life. He ended up moving in with another girl, the same soul who was my sister in the life where I was disowned.

And then there was A. Poor, A. I broke his heart, and I'm sad to say that was the pattern. In one life we were in love, but I was forced to marry someone much older who had a large herd of goats. In the time and place we lived this was the proof of wealth. I never got to see the boy I was in love with again. Another regression showed a lifetime where he was my son. He was a sweet, sensitive boy, my youngest. I was married to an abusive man who disliked the boy as much as he disliked me. As I lay dying, my husband refused to allow me medical care, but my boy, who was only 8 years old, stayed by my side the whole time. As I left my body I watched my son start crying. My husband boxed him hard in the ear and told him to shut up.

A Word About Karma

Karma means Balance. There is balance required to advance as a soul. I have broken hearts, and I have had my heart broken. That is balanced. That is Karma.

Karma does not mean that the husband who abused me will come back as someone that I abuse. There is no soul advancement in that. However, over the life of the soul who is an abuser, they will also have experiences that will help them to grow out of the pattern of abuse. That is balanced. That is Karma.

I will write more about this pattern of abuse in another post where I'll share some past lives I have had with someone in my close circle who was the abuser in past lives.

July 7, 2007

2010-10-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

Corporeal vision, brought about by thoughts of a mundane nature.

corporeal – of the body

vision – to sense and perceive things that are not of this world

thoughts of a mundane nature – day to day activities

We are bringing these thoughts to you in your time according to your level of understanding.
You are aware that you leave your body while you sleep to perform healings on others.
You do this in accordance with your plan for this incarnation.
You are learning tools that will help you to do this in waking life as well.
Keep learning, and seeking, and studying.
Your goals are being accomplished.
Each new bit of information will come to you when it is time.

July 3, 2007

2010-10-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

Tilling the soil brings fruitful gain.
Stirring up emotions is necessary or they will become impacted like clay once its moisture has evaporated.
Expressing emotions is vital for spiritual development.
Use acupuncture or the tapping method to stimulate these impacted energy points.
Release that emotion.
Drink plenty of water. This will clean out your energy body as well as your physical body.
That old emotion will fall away like an etheric scab, and will reveal something clean and new and beautiful.

July 1, 2007 (b)

2010-10-20T16:08:00.001-07:00

Meditate to open your channels.
Avoid harsh chemicals, as they will pollute the stream and the flow.
We are here to help you with that if you call on us to do so.
Never doubt that our love and well-wishes are with you.
You are here for a grand task, the details of which are being withheld from you for the time being.
Build up your strength and your confidence and the details will be explained to you in time.
Do not fret or be impatient, as there is groundwork to be accomplished first.
You are making great strides and are progressing rapidly, but there is still much to be learned.
Ground yourself to be ready for it all.
You are walking in two worlds and are growing accustomed to the atmospheric differences in the other dimensions. Know that you are not alone in your explorations. There are others like you who are experiencing these shifts in consciousness as well. These are your soulmates, members of your soul group.
Your “twin flame” oversoul/archetype will appear to you out of this group.
Do not be anxious. The work is done.
Know that great happiness is yours.

The Beings of Celestial Light and Intelligence

July 1, 2007 (a)

2010-10-20T15:58:00.002-07:00

July 1, 2007 (1)

Oversouls are the guides to the guides, if you will.
They are a source of great information, teachers. Much like a school has students (you on the Earth plane), teachers (your spirit guides), and a principal (the oversouls).
The hierarchy goes all the way “up” to the Godhead, the “All-That-Is”, The “Universal Divine Consciousness”.
And yet, it is a holographic hierarchy, in that the whole is present in each of us. In this sense we are all One.
We are all a part of the Source, and we are all The Source, complete in and of itself.
Think of a piece of wood. (You have imagined this yourself already.) Now cut that piece of wood in half. It is still nothing less than a piece of wood, two pieces of wood, in fact. Keep doing this to infinity, or until you end up with the tiniest splinter. It is still, in and of itself a complete piece of wood. And yet it is only a splinter of its source.

June 21, 2007

2010-10-20T15:49:00.002-07:00

Honesty in all things,
Sacrificing self-respect will not get you where you want to go.
Make an effort to get on the road you want to take.
Things will line up for you accordingly.
People will be drawn to you, the right people to help advance you along the path you have chosen.
Take the first step, the rest will fall into place in unexpected and amazing ways.
You will find peace and joy if you have selected the proper road.
Take the first step and give the Universe something to reward.
Peace, love, and blessings are what you will experience if they are what you are willing to give away.

June 15, 2007

2010-10-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

We are here for you.
Nothing you do or say can separate you from our love.
Stop focusing on lack.
Inside you there is a river of abundance flowing.
Your perceptions are illusory.
Your sense of knowing is not.
These hard times are helping you grow.
Like a wheel, things cycle around. One minute you are on the bottom, but quickly you cycle again to the top.
Circumstances play out as they will, as they must, but the spirit of your true soul is all knowing, all loving.
The spirit of your true soul is working for you to see that all your needs are met.
Your chart is being written as you go along.
When you fully understand the illusion of perception in manifesting your desires you will be ready to move on to the next step.
Your perception is the lens that you look through to see what you will.
The illusion is that the lens is stationary. It is not, not by any means. You have at your disposal many lenses to select from.
You have changed lenses at various junctures of your life already.
You know these words are true.
There are lenses that fit into lenses. Layers, if you will.
Do you see now how certain lenses bring certain objects or circumstances into focus?
It is up to you to adjust your focus.
Bring into view the experiences that you want.
See them as real and they will be.
Destroy the old lenses that do not serve you well. Transmute their energy into its purest form.
Carry that pure energy in your heart and let it feed your soul.
This is the God Energy, and this is what it wants to do if you will let it.

June 2, 2007

2010-10-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

Time is a collection of memories.
Like the clouds rolling by, you see something that is not really there. They are just an accumulation of gasses.
Do you feel the gasses with your hands? Can you grab hold of them?
No. Not with your physical senses.
The concept of time is the same.
It can not truly be understood with the physical senses you have available to you.
That is really how you go about learning, by relating things to your physical senses.
Some things remain irrational. That is, they can not be conceived by your rational mind.
You think of time as a pathway because you know what it feels like to walk down a pathway.
You perceive yourself taking one step after another and moving in a particular direction.
Your knowledge is limited by your perception.
The true nature of time is unavailable to you in your reality because you lack the necessary point of reference.
As the door between worlds continues to open, you will experience the unexplainable.
Your point of reference will expand.
You will begin to see that light, time, and space are the same.
They are the same as you; pure energy.
Knowing your Real self in this way will bring about a state of love that truly is All That Is.

Do not feel defeated.
You are experiencing rapid growth.
Your mind is open and knowledge is being infused, stored in your memory bank, the sub-conscious mind.
Be patient.
When you are ready, the walls of this bank will crumble and you will have full access.
You will know what to do with this knowledge.

June 1, 2007

2010-10-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

Trust your instincts.
Don’t worry that your views are not mainstream, or do not fit into the belief systems of others.
We are all moving in the same direction.
We all have the same goal. Enlightenment.
This life is not all there is.
There are many more levels after your Earthly mission has been accomplished.
There are realities that you have not conceived of. Each has its own purpose.
Our goal is not to become One, but to realize that we are One already.

There are other aspects of being One that will be discovered with each new level you move into.

May 10, 2007

2010-10-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

Let the love bubble up and spill out of you.
You are tapped into an abundant source and there is enough to fill eternity.
Smiles are grains of sand.
If you give one away you still have plenty more.
You are thinking of a beach; that is a lot of sand, but think of the sand dunes!
This equates to our love for you.
It is your job to spread it around.

May 8, 2007

2010-10-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

(This message ended up being far different than the others. But I include it here because the same signal was used to let me know there was a message about to come through.)

This is your path and you have always known it.
Forgiveness has shown you the way; it will bring in even more blessings.
Trust yourself.
What you believe to be true about us IS.
It has been in our line.
You will continue the line.
Never forget who you are and what you are meant to do.
You will help.
You will heal, if you continue to love and grow in your ability to love your true self.

And never forget I always loved you,
Alex

(Alex was my paternal grandfather. When he mentions "what I believe to be true about us..." he is referring to our psychic abilities. I had suspected that it came from his side of the family, based on stories my mother used to tell about them.)

May 7, 2007

2010-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

As a candle can light a room, so your light can light the world.
Never doubt your own power.
A little at a time can make all the difference.
This energy combined magnifies the effect.
Joining energies with others amplifies your own.
It is the tornado-like feeling you sense in and around your head and coming out through your hands and eyes.
It lifts you up to higher levels and fills your heart with love.

February 14, 2007

2010-10-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Look ahead but take one day at a time.
Live a full life and let the pieces fall into place.
You are safe and protected, looked after by many helpers.
Have faith in their love for you.
They are helping you with your purpose.
Help others.
Feed your soul.
Take chances.
Step out of your shell.
Be daring.
Walk the high wire.
The right path is opening up.
It is being laid out.
Take notice of the doors when they open.
You will need a different vantage point to see.

July 23, 2006

2010-10-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

You evolved from the natural elements
Do not separate yourself from them now
To lift your spirits, water the flowers
The sunlight shining through the water droplets creates a prism
It magnifies the light
It multiplies the size and intensity of the plant’s aura
Let your energy field combine with that of the plant
The plant will act on your opiate receptors, as does petting a beloved animal
When you are feeling alone, water the flowers or pet an animal
Practice combining energy fields
You will feel better

July 22, 2006

2010-10-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

We come from a level few have conceived of.
We are beings of light and sound, although not the light and sound you are familiar with.
Our light can not be seen with the eyes.
Our light resonates with a sound that can not be heard with the ears.
Our light and sound can not be separated into two distinct things because they are one.
Some on your planet have experienced our presence.
To some our presence is a high-pitched hum.
To some it is a sensation felt throughout the body, a sensation centered in the heart chakra.
To some our presence is known by little twinkles of pale blue light that can be seen when the eyes are shut.
We are trying to help you through this time of your quickening, through this rapid rate of human evolution.
To you who feel as if you are existing outside of your bodies, we ask you to listen to our message.
We will show you how to merge with the energy of the universe and feel it pulsating with love.

July 20, 2006

2010-10-20T14:45:00.002-07:00

Your subconscious already contains all the knowledge that exists in all directions of time.
The way a scent can permeate the air, so knowledge exists inside you.
Synthesize that knowledge.
Bring it into your conscious mind by tuning into your higher self.

July 17, 2006

2010-10-20T14:42:00.002-07:00

Distance is a measure of energy.
Like the lines of time that are always changing, only the point you are in is fixed.
Vibrations radiate out from that point.
What it takes to get from point ’A’ to point ‘B’ is really a measurement of the vibrations you create.
Emanate a vibration of peace and you will proceed with ease.
Emanate a vibration of negativity and you will have a bumpy road ahead of you.
Roadblocks are signposts telling you to change your energy.
Follow the peaceful path.

July 16, 2006

2010-10-20T14:39:00.002-07:00

Be who you want to be
Start today to create your life
The paradox of intent will change the past as well as the future
Come out of the cave
Come into the light
Behold who you are and love yourself
Free yourself from sabotage by following your own encyclopedia of internal guidance
Sway with the answers
You body knows what’s true
Live your purpose
Uncover your truth
Be the light that shines
Illuminate the paths of others
Plant seeds of creation
The world will follow your steps
Be true
Be whole
Be healthy
Heal the world one smile at a time

July 10, 2006

2010-10-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

Expect the unexpected
Souls sing a serenade
Beautiful music to my ears
Believe in life
Hold on to what it brings you
Cherish every moment of your time
Be kind to others and they will applaud you
Delight in the details
Peace brings a rich reward
Knowing you will be fine is the first step
Things happen for a reason
The truth will unfold to you in unexpected ways
Have faith
Live a quiet life
Peaceful

July 5, 2006

2010-10-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

Varied signs of misdiagnosis elevate as the church awakens those who know who we really are and are ready to hear the message we are about to give.
Pay attention to the words.
Time is like a tower falling down.
Vibrations under ground send waves up to the top.
Cracks turn into craters and the whole thing crumbles down into a pile.
Its mass is still the same, just rearranged.
Conversions of space are similar.
Light is the energy that moves us along to higher destinations.

Channeling

2010-10-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

I began journaling my spiritual experiences on January 1, 2005. The "weird" things had been happening for quite a while, and by that point I had figured out much of what was going on. I was able to put a name to it at any rate. I was psychic.

The first entry in my journal was a past life regression. I was comfortable with the concept of past lives, and frankly, it made so much more sense to me than the idea that we only get one chance at life. I used oracle cards and tarot, but the idea of mediumship scared the hell out of me. I wanted nothing of it. And so the way it started was a surprise.

At the time I worked in a factory. My job was to watch a machine transfer computer chips form one disk to another... for 12 hours at a time... It was tedious to say the least.

I had just come back from my lunch break and had a clear and deep feeling that I needed to write something. It was almost as if there was a voice telling me do so. I opened my email and addressed a message to myself, with no idea what I was going to write. Without thinking about it I wrote, "This is what I know."

I remember typing it.

However, I don't remember anything that happened after that until I looked at the clock and saw that an hour had passed. I nervously looked over to my machines and saw that they were running fine, and to my amazement, I had even transferred cassettes and reset the machine a couple of times! Then I went back and read what I and written.

the way most of the world thinks of time is wrong. It is not linear. In that space on the other side, time does not exist. Every "time" is now. We, here, have developed an altered state of actual time (or non-time) to deal with all of the realities that we are bombarded with. It is easier for our unconnected minds (unconnected to the universal mind) to understand.

Although there is some reality to our physical self, our consciousness is tied to the Universal mind. Through this mind we can adjust the physical. When we have access to the Universal, we should affect change in our being and environment. The Universe requires this of us. It is our duty to those who do not know they have access to the Universal mind.

With this view of time, alternate realities should not be an abstract idea. Every thing is in existence, happening right now, on a different level, not in a different time (past or present). This is why our physical selves are formed and transformed by knowledge of our alternate selves ("past lives"), because these things are happening now to our other selves.

The world we see is not some mass hallucination. It is a physical reality that can and, for the most part, should be manipulated to create a higher awareness for those who are still unconnected to the Universal mind. I see this as an obligation. It is something that those who are connected wrote into our life contracts before we were incarnated into this physical reality. Therefore, to ignore it would be to deny ourselves of our purpose. (I guess what I just said was that our purpose is to aid in creating a higher awareness for those who are still unconnected to the Universal mind, or the God figure.) Accomplishing our purpose will end the incarnation process.

Most people feel the need to humanize the Universal mind by calling it a God. It is not human. It is a consciousness, an energy force. It created us, and we are made of it. To say that "god is within us" is correct to a degree. Our spirits, higher selves, subconscious minds are a part of it. Our physical selves are comprised of the planetary elements. Our spirits do not inhabit our bodies, but are more like a cloud, existing in and around our physical bodies.

When I got home I printed the email and taped it to my journal. The date was October 18, 2005.

Some of the things I wrote sounded like things that I believed. Others were things I had never thought of. I was amazed, thrilled, and frightened at the same time.

It was nearly a year later before it happened again, when I started channeling an angelic group who called themselves The Beings of Celestial Light and Intelligence.

The Breakthrough!

2010-10-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Quite often I get an idea in my head and I can't think of anything else. I can't see anything else. This is what I have done regarding our upcoming move. I have become obsessed with finding the right place for my son and I to move. So obsessed, it seems, that I forget what is obvious. I forget what I already know.

I have been driving myself crazy for months asking for signs, getting answers, asking again, getting conflicting answers, becoming confused, becoming obsessed...

Today I pulled out the oracle cards and asked how to go about finding the right best place for my son and I to live. As I lay out the reading the first card and last cards jump out at me. Protection and Letting Go. I didn't even read the rest of the cards that were on the table. The Protection card reminds that "the subject of your inquiry cannot in any way hurt you as long as you ask for protection". I knew Letting Go was referring to the need to let go of my grip on finding an answer.

I centered myself, took a deep breath, and asked for protection. For a split second I could feel myself letting go.

There was a shift in the energy around me. Then I saw a forest in front of me. The ground shuffled and the trees moved in such a way that it created a clear pathway. I heard a voice say, "Any where you go will be safe as long as you ask for protection..." As I was writing the message down, something else took over and I began automatic writing, channeling.

This was the message I had received:

The answer is not in WHERE you should move. It is in your STATE-OF-MIND while you are there.

Move anywhere you like, but align your thinking and intention with spirit and you will find success and happiness. You will create it!

This feels like a real answer. At last!

Making and Keeping Friends

2010-10-18T10:09:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about this. Maybe you should talk and I 'll listen because I don't think I know how it's done.

My struggle with friendships started in the third grade when my best friend dumped me for a kindergartner. Oh the broken heart! What did I do wrong? Somehow I had the feeling it had to do with the fact that my yellow pants with the roller skate embroidered on the back pocket weren't as cool as her red and brown plaid dress with the Winnie the Pooh.

On a trip to California a year later I found my next friend. My new Best Friend. I suppose she still carries that title even though I have been out of touch with her for about seven years.

Growing up in the religion I did was very restrictive. We were only allowed to have friends inside the church. SO when you are a Jehovah's Witness and in a small town it's kind of a double whammy. I made friends with a girl when I was about thirteen, but she lived an hour away and I didn't get to see her very often. We were reacquainted when I was 19 and spent two very fun years together before I got married and moved away.

As far back as I can remember, having strong friendships has been my truest desire. And as I got older this became clear. Why did I want fancy things? Because I hoped it would make people want to be around me. Why did I want to be thin and pretty? Because I thought it would draw people to me.

I am filled with wonder at large groups of friends. How do they do it? Where do they find each other? How does it go from meeting and to no-invitation-required?

A few years ago an acquaintance told me I come across as really weird. I was surprised at the time. I had no idea people think I'm weird. But the more I thought about it, I could see what he may have been talking about. I tend to want to get a feel for a person before I have contact with them. I don't think I can explain what this means. It's just an intuition that tells me if they are OK or not. Something I would not do is psychically intrude on someone else. I don't do that. I think that must be the assumption people make when they find out I am psychic. "Oh no, she can see all my secrets..." I could see some of your secrets if I looked, but I don't.

So, back to the question. How does one find friends and keep them? I have put in a lot of effort over the years trying to make friends, but what ends up happening is the effort, the phone calls, the invitations are not returned. And when I get tired of feeling like an outsider, and stop trying so hard, the "friendships" fizzle.

As I have gotten older, however, I find that my desire to deal with people's crap has significantly diminished. I don't want the drama.

One explanation is that you can only have deep friendships with people who you resonate with. If I clash with someone energetically, we will not be a good match, no matter how much effort is put into it.

I'd love to hear your stories if you want to tell me. How do you make friends and keep them? What can you tell me about friendship?

In Crisis

2010-10-11T15:24:00.001-07:00

The last couple of months have been difficult. I think what I'm going through is called a crisis of faith.

In my last blog I wrote about feeling like I could reach out and touch my destiny. It seems that close. But practically by the time I was finished writing that sentence my ego kicked in and I have felt like crap ever since, even though I am a step closer to my dream now than I was then.

I asked for guidance about where my son and I should move and the answer puzzled me. The desert? Really? I am not a sun-lover. I am a fair-skinned red-head. I hate summer. Summer time turns me agoraphobic. So how could this be for the best?

I found some blessed relief when a taste of fall came to our valley. The temporary change of season reminded me how much I love the coastal areas of the Pacific Northwest. I immediately went online and searched the Washington coast for land for sale. Looking at the photographs made me relax when I hadn't been aware that I was tense. "I want THAT," is what I thought. But that thought was immediately followed by remembering the previous guidance. Arizona.

It got me thinking about guidance I have followed in the past, and how miraculous pathways opened up for me to follow said guidance, and how the outcomes turned out... absolutely devastating for me. I bet you thought I was going to tell you that the outcomes are always wonderful and life is la la la la la happy if you follow the guidance of your spirit. But it isn't always true.

So I have been questioning myself a lot lately about my ability to interpret the guidance I receive. Also, I understand that as a clairvoyant I see probabilities not absolutes. This is one of the areas where free-will comes into play.

The thoughts that have been spinning around in my head during this crisis of faith have been (1.) I am total rubbish at interpreting guidance for myself, and/or (2.) The free will of other people keep blocking my chances for happiness. There have been plenty of other negative thoughts as well.

Maybe spirit has been leading me in the direction of learning the life lessons I wanted to learn when I came the earth this time and telling me whatever it can in order for me go in that direction. If that is the case, I don't want to follow guidance from spirit anymore. I am tired of all the painful lessons. I am tired of the hard work. I want something nice, easy, peaceful, and happy. And I don't want the trade-off of having a life like that to be a constant sunburn!

So do I move to Arizona, the direction spirit has pointed me? Or do I follow my heart and go to the coast?

I don't know.

Don't know.

Transformation

2010-08-13T19:48:00.001-07:00

It was a gorgeous day today and I decided I would pack a picnic and take my son to the mountains. He fell asleep on the way there and I had a half hour of quiet. I was able to think.

I had a strange dream the other night. It was kind of creepy, but when I woke up analyzed it I thought it was pretty encouraging. In the dream I was digging in the garden, down at the root of a plant. I saw there were bugs there so I reached out to swipe them away. They were some kind of larva and they got all over the tips of my fingers. Then they started borrowing into my fingers! I grabbed my fingers with my other hand so they couldn't squiggle around. Then there was a voice telling me to let them alone, that this was a way I could get extra protein. I thought excitedly, "Oh, just what I need!"

I let go and saw that as the larva wiggled into the tips of my fingers they dissolved right away and my body assimilated the protein.

Larva seemed like the perfect symbol for transformation, because larva is never permanently larva, it's the beginning stage of something else. And, it seems, this transformation is at the tip of my fingers. With a little faith I may find that something that at first seems uncomfortable will be just what I need.

If I was going to describe where I am at in life right now, I'd say digging in the dirt and getting to the root of things is an accurate description. I have shucked off layers of beliefs that belonged to other people and gotten very clear about what I want out of life, and I have surprised myself. I have also found myself becoming increasingly sensitive to my environment in regards to the people around me and have begun eliminating chemicals from my food and beauty products. There are other changes, too. So many things have changed that sometimes I don't recognize myself.

As we were headed up the mountain today I was struck by a bolt of insight that made everything appear in slow motion. I am in the home stretch. My eyes are fixed on the goal, my goal. My destiny is so close I feel like I could and touch it, but for the first time in my impatient life I don't want to reach out. I want to sit back and watch it come to me. This is a transformation!

Two Similar Dreams

2010-08-10T13:27:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting dream last night. It felt important, and I find it especially significant because of how it relates to a dream I had about a year and a half ago that felt equally important.

In the dream from a year and a half ago I was surfing through the halls of a big hotel. There was a man surfing as well. He was always a little bit behind me, and he seemed very amused with me.

We were surfing so fast and no one else could keep up with us, even though they would try.

We ended up in the lobby and I saw a black girl with her mother. The girl was my age, but she still seemed like a girl because she was always with her mom. There was something very immature about it. I recognized this girl as my nemesis. She and her mother seemed to be trying to sabotage what they thought I wanted. I was laughing at them on the inside because what they thought I wanted wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted something different.

They ended up getting caught in a trap that they meant for me; a shower with a big shower head in the middle of the lobby. They got soaking wet and very mad.

The surfer was watching everything. I made him laugh. I amused him.

Then I half-way woke up.

As I was falling back to sleep, I became aware of movement. I was in an elevator going up. Some part of me outside of the dream sighs and thinks, “Good, I’ve been working towards this for 500 years…”

The elevator stops and I get out. It’s dark, but I can tell I’m on the roof of the hotel. There is a purple mist swirling around the ground and it reaches up past my knees.

Then I see the surfer guy there, and I’m very glad to see him.

The dream from last night was different but reminded me of this one in several ways.

Almost every time I woke up last night I found myself singing a song from Sesame Street. "One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong..." This song seems to be about me not fitting in in the environment I am in right now.

The Sesame Street theme continued into my dream. In the dream I was at some kind of convention. There were lots of Sesame Street people there. We waked past Luis and I told my friend that I thought he was really cute. His name was spelled weird in the dream. Lewees or something like that. I recognized the odd spelling of his name to mean he was representing an aspect of myself. I'm not your average Michelle.

There were a lot of trips to the bathroom in this dream(as there always are with all day conventions). During one of my trips to the bathroom I saw that it was an absolute mess. Filthy. Also, there was a guy in there! He looked like a bouncer or a big bully. He told me I couldn’t use this bathroom. I didn’t even consider leaving. I just pushed past him and went into one of the stalls.

I went outside and was walking around with some people. On the way back in I saw Luis again. I asked him if he wanted to walk with me and he said no. He told me he overheard me say that I liked him. I said, “So…” like it shouldn’t matter. He thought about it for a second and decided it didn’t really matter and walked inside with me.

Inside there were TV screens playing scenes from soap operas. I went up to one and saw that there were 3D glasses to use. I put a pair on and thought that the soap opera was a silly imitation of real life.

When the convention was over and all the people were filing out of the room, there was a part of me I could overhear that said, “It’s been 500 years!” as if something important had finally been accomplished.

Both of the dreams had dark-skinned dream characters who represented a dark or "shadow" aspect of myself. The saboteur and the part that goes along, doing what it does, without questioning why.

Each dream referenced different aspects of our human existence. The temporary nature of our human experience, implied by the hotel in the first dream, and the imitation of real life (or our lives in spirit), pictured by the soap opera in the second. The second dream spelled this out quite nicely by providing 3D glasses so that I could "see" 3D meant the third dimension.

Convention could be a play on words for conventional. There isn't much about me that is conventional. I'm not trying to be different. I am trying to be myself. But it seems that my self is quite different than almost everybody I know. And this idea of me being different is echoed every time I wake up sing the song from Sesame Street about not belonging. As one of my friends put it, "You're just weirder and weirder the more I get to know you!"

Both dreams end with a big question, though. What is the 500 years all about? It's a great mystery!

The Rest of the Story

2010-08-02T21:42:00.002-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that it took three past life regressions with the intent of finding the source of the pain I had in my neck, back, and shoulders.

The second regression was a life in Italy. We were English and lived in a lavish house outside the city of Genoa. Like always, the cast of characters in that life time were people in my life at the time of the regression; a co-worker and a couple of long-time family friends, and astonishingly, my dog!

My mother and I were shopping at a dress shop in town one afternoon when I was knocked down by a run-away carriage. The wheels ran over me and my back broke in two places. I left my body before it died. As my consciousness moved away from the body I marveled at how beautiful the streets of the city were.

The research I did after that regression uncovered a written document by a famous writer of the time who mentioned that Genoa had been famous for its beautiful streets! I LOVE little bits of verification like this.

The third regression is the one that finally did the trick. As a bit of back ground I'll say that I had recently been laid off from my job because it had been deemed I was physically not capable of doing the work. I had been recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and as part of my treatment I was going to a physical therapist twice a week. The Family Medical Leave Act ensured that I still got to use the company health clinic for three months, so I was doing everything I could to help myself out while I still had the chance.

My physical therapist had a hell of a time trying to work on my neck. She said I was the only person she had worked on who showed no sign of improvement after two months of regular treatments. She told me the sides of my neck felt like there were bricks in there, but that I should be able to feel tendons, sinew, tissue.

I went home that afternoon very discouraged and decide to try another regression to clear up this problem.

I saw myself as a adolescent girl. I was with my brother and sister, the same people who are my brother and sister now. In fact, our birth order was even the same.

The scene switched to the last day of my life. It was 1912. I was married, 22, and had a little girl. She was a toddler and was playing with some toys while her father and I got dressed up for a fancy dinner party. This was the Victorian age and we were dressed accordingly. My hair was twisted in the back and piled on my head. I was putting on a pair of dangling earrings when I saw my daughter playing at the top of the stairs. I dropped my earrings and ran to her, afraid she would fall. I swooped her up and my ankle twisted under me. We fell down the stairs. I heard my neck crack and break.

At the bottom of the stairs I saw that my daughter was dead. Her back had broken and so had mine. I left my body.

It made so much sense to me after I did this regression why my troubles started when I was 22. There were so many reminders of that life in this one at that age. Not just my brother and sister, but the husband was the same as well.

One of the unexpected outcomes from this regression was my fear that I would be a bad mom went away. A blessing, indeed.

A few days later I went in for my physical therapy and the therapist was practically speechless. She said the sides of my neck felt perfect and I had full range of motion. She asked what I had done, and when I told her she said she wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen what I was like before and after and knew for herself the impossibility of the problems I had taking care of themselves literally overnight.

That was the last time I saw her, and the problem has never returned.

A Pain In the Neck

2010-08-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

This was my first past life regression. It took place on January 1, 2005.

The intent with this regression was to find the source for the extreme neck, back, and shoulder pain I had had for years.

I found myself on a guillotine, my body writhing, trying to get free of the ties around my hands and feet. My present-day self physically felt all the tension in my jaw, back, and neck from that earlier time period. It was overwhelming!

I saw the blade coming down. I took several attempts before my head was cut off and I was aware through the whole thing, mentally screaming out, "My head, my head, my head!" and "They don't like me!"

I remembered reading that you don't have to re-live the experience when you do a past life regression so I told myself to go to the observer position. Immediately, my perspective switched to a point outside of the body. I saw her twitching and convulsing on the bench while her head dropped into a basket. There were two more girls in line to be killed.

Instantly, I saw what led up to this moment.

The year was 1792 and we were a family of gypsies who came from an area that was once Russia. We were somewhere in Bavaria. We were metal-smiths and we sold our trinkets everywhere we went. My father was the leader of our group and we all knew that we were to make money any way we could. We lived by a different value system than the people in the villages, and were led by different morals.

My sisters and I were prostitutes, and I was a mystic. I used divination cards and a crystal ball, and I remember making fun of the people who came to have me read for them. They liked having me use the crystal ball, believing it was magic, but I didn't need it to see their future. My psychic gifts ran in the family.

There was a young man in the nearby village who had fallen in love with me. He came to see me one morning and asked me to marry him. I laughed in his face and told him no. He told me this was my last chance and ran off humiliated and angry. Then it seemed like everything that came next happened all at once.

There had been villagers hiding in the bushes, men and women with makeshift weapons and bows and arrows. The attack on my family was brutal. Some fled into the forest, but most were slaughtered where they stood. I tried to run but someone grabbed me by the hair and threw me down. They tied my hands and feet and put me in a wagon with my two sisters. Those who were nearby threw things at us and called us names. I screamed at them that they were hypocrites. They were punishing us for what we did, but they were the ones who paid us and sought us out for our services.

We were taken to the village where a guillotine had been erected. Villagers crowded around to watch our death.

As I died, I realized that it was greed, selfishness, and my arrogance that had brought our family to its end.

I recognized several people from that time who were in my life at the time of the regression. One of my sisters then is my sister now. The other sister was a very good friend at the time, and the man who asked me to marry him was a coworker.

This regression uncovered a lot of personal issues for me, but it did not relieve the pains in my neck, back, and shoulders. It took two more regressions with the same intent to get to the heart of that problem.

Even after all the regressions I have done this one stands out to me the most. Not because it was my first, but because the moment I entered that lifetime I knew that this group of gypsies were my ancestors.

I was my own ancestor.

Past Life Regression

2010-07-29T16:44:00.004-07:00

I have done well over forty in the last 6 years. There are so many benefits that I couldn't even begin to list them all. I have cured phobias, fixed health problems, and uncovered relationship patterns with certain people in my life. I will never stop stressing the importance of past life regression, and I will never stop being amazed at the way spirit uses this process as a way of delivering messages. I will add a category on the side column and start adding some of my previous regressions.

Yesterday was a down day for me. Couldn't really put my finger on any one reason, but I was feeling lonely and sad despite being at an overall happy place in my life. I ended up driving to the town where I grew up. It's comforting to be there, out in the country where I used to live, crops of tall corn offering a cooling break from the heat. And the smell of hay and mint. I was thinking that I should move back there and raise my son in the country.

No doubt the idea was lingering today when I decided to do a past life regression.

As always, before the regression I set my intent to find a past life that was relevant to a current situation. This time I decided to find a life that related to why I have a difficult time being present and happy.

I used Doreen Virtue's Past-Life Regression with the Angels CD.

I find myself going through a tunnel of light, an Eagle appears in front of me. I exit the tunnel and look at my feet. I am wearing moccasins, roughly made, and stitched with rawhide. I expect to find myself in a dress but I am wearing pants. I wonder if girls wore pants then and realized I was a boy. I am 14 and it is in the early part of the 19th century. (1838?) We are in a part of Mexico that is now the US.

Our home is round. I expect it to be a tee-pee, but as I look closer at it, I see it is made of earth.

It is time for the evening meal and my mother is putting stew in wooden bowls for the family. I recognize my mother as my mother now. She is nice to me in the life I see and this surprises me because of other lifetimes we have shared. I have a sister then who is my sister now. There is also a brother and another young man present. He could be a brother or a friend of my brother or mine. I see a stately older man. It is hard to tell how old he is, but there are deep creases on his face. However, they don’t seem like wrinkles. He could be my father or grandfather. I think he is the chief because I know that I am in line to be chief.

As I get older there is some debate among the tribe elders and a decision for me. I could become the chief, but there are those who wish for me to take up my calling as a healer and “one who dreams while awake”.

I see myself at the end of that life. (I am not shown which choice I make.) But as I die of old age I have no regrets over what choice I made. My family is around me and my young grandson who is my favorite is there. When he is older, he will be faced with the same choice as me.

I see the eagle again. He turns into a golden angel waiting to take to the spirit realm. The angel says to me, “Come home. The earth still carries the memory of who you were. Come back and remember.” (I was shown something about DNA that I didn’t really understand, but got the impression it had to do with cell memory.)

I was shown 6 people in that life that will be in my life if I move back to the place I was then, but I was not shown who those people would be today. I know at least 3 of them will be good friends.

Part of the fun of a past life regression is the research that I do afterwords. Today I found this map of Mexico in the year 1838.

I also looked up the meaning for Eagle as an animal totem in a website I have bookmarked.

The eagle is symbol of the zenith. A great reminder of your own ability to soar to great heights. Eagles are messengers from heaven and are the embodiment of the spirit of the sun. Those with an Eagle totem need to have an involvement with creation; a willingness to experience extremes; a willingness to use your ability even if it means getting "scorched" a little as you fly high; a willingness to seek out your true emotions. A demanding totem, but one that offers so much reward at the end of the journey. Its four-toed feet remind you to stay grounded even when soaring high; Its talons remind you to grasp the things of the earth; Its sharp beak shows you when to speak, how much, and how strongly. This totem will show you opportunities and how to ride the winds to your benefit. Eagle people can live in the realm of the spirit yet still remain connected and balanced within the realm of the Earth. You must become much more than you ever dreamed possible.

Today's past life regression was a gentle reminder that happiness is waiting in the southwest desert where I once lived a happy and peaceful life surrounded by family and friends.

[Edit] August 18, 2010

Today I received in the mail a travel brochure for Utah's canyon lands. There was a map inside and the bottom portion of the map was highlighted in red. When I saw it the hair stood up on my arms. I see the words "Navajo Tribal Park". This speaks to me.

I looked up Navajo in Wikipedia where I see the word 'Hogans', which leads me to another article where I find this picture.

This is exactly like the one I saw in my regression! Size, shape, everything.

That is so cool!

Dream Incubation

2010-07-27T08:05:00.000-07:00

Dream incubation is a practiced technique of learning to "plant a seed" in the mind, in order for a specific dream topic to occur, either for recreation or to attempt to solve a problem. For example, a person might go to bed repeating to themselves that they will dream about a presentation they have coming up, or a vacation they recently took. While somewhat similar to lucid dreaming, dream incubation is simply focusing attention on a specific issue when going to sleep. Several studies have shown this method to be successful over a period of time.

For example, in a study at Harvard Medical School, Dr. Deirdre Barrett had her students focus on a problem, such as an unsolved homework assignment or other objective problem, before going to sleep each night for a week. She found that it was certainly possible to come up with novel solutions in dreams that were both satisfactory to the dreamer and rated as objectively solving the problem by an outside observer. In her study, two-thirds of participants had dreams that addressed their chosen problem, and one-third reached some form of solution within their dreams. Other studies have found this type of bedtime dream incubation effective in solving problems of a more subjective, personal nature. A study of prominent artists and scientists who get inspiration from their dreams found that, while most of these dreams occurred spontaneously, a small proportion of the respondents had discovered informal versions of dream incubation on their own. They reported giving themselves successful pre-sleep suggestions for anything from seeing finished artwork in their dreams to asking dreams to solve computing or mechanical design problems.

Wikipedia

I first read about dream incubation about five years ago. The book related the story of a woman who wanted insight into moving to a different town. She "programed" her dream before she went to bed, asking the question of whether or not the move would be good for her. In her dream she saw herself walking down a forest path. The path got darker and grown-over with weeds. It became quite scary. She woke up feeling like her question had been answered and decided not to move to the town.

I have had success with this process in the past. Nearly every time I have tried it I have received what felt like an answer to my question.

Yesterday I was talking to my neighbor's girlfriend. She told me she sometimes takes her son to a particular day care and they like it there. I looked at the day care's website and couldn't tell what I thought about it. It looked like a nice place. They emphasized music and sports, which I thought would be great for my son, but I just didn't feel good about it. Normally, I would go with my first instinct, but in this case I couldn't tell if my reluctance came from it being the wrong place to leave my son or the fact that I don't want to have to take him to day care at all.

Before I went to bed last night I put it out there that I wanted to know whether we should use this day care or not. I had three short dreams.

In the first dream, I was sitting on the couch and my son was standing in front of me. He said, "I'm a werewolf. Aa-Oooo (like he was howling at the moon)."

The second dream was nothing more than a newspaper, but it was quite significant because the scene was in black and white. I have only had a black and white dream once before. The headline of the newspaper said something like this:

Aljk Kehfk Rlkansoih DEAD Vojsoh

Unintelligible words except for the the word dead which was in all capital letters.

In the third dream I saw Merryweather, the little fairy in the blue dress from Disney's Sleeping Beauty. She was mad and said, "OOO! This one didn't work out either!" Presumably referring to the fact that this isn't the first day care that hasn't worked out for us.

I don't believe that the newspaper dream was telling me that my son would die if I took him to this particular day care. I want to be clear that dreams are symbolic. However, I do believe that it is possible that some aspect of him could have died, leaving him changed somehow, as indicated by the werewolf dream.

I feel like my question was clearly answered through dream incubation. Success.

Direct Requests Receive Direct Answers

2010-07-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to remind myself of the simplest things. Direct requests receive direct answers.

While I was pregnant I re-read one of my favorite books, The Lightworker’s Way by Doreen Virtue. I was shocked that I had never notice how often she talks about god in that book! I was shocked and terribly disappointed! I got angry and stopped reading the book.

My life had been godless since I left the religion I was raised in. Enough is enough already, and no thank you! So one night while I lay in bed, hugely pregnant, and very uncomfortably not sleeping, I started up a conversation with my guide. I poured my heart out and in the end asked if there really is a god. She simply said, “God is love…”

I contemplated the answer and decided it wasn’t good enough. I wanted an unmistakable sign. The sign I requested was to see a bluebird. Any kind of bluebird, even the word bluebird would have been okay. I gave a time frame of one week.

At no time during that week did I think to watch one of the movies I had with a bluebird. At no time did I think to listen to one of my MP3s which mentions a bluebird. No bluebirds in the garden. No internet bluebirds. No twitters, no tweets.

On the fifth day we went to the grocery store. Drove down a road that we always took and there on a power box was a graffiti bluebird. It looked as if it had been there for ages, worn away in stops and color-faded. This was no new bluebird, but it was the first time I had seen it. I got my sign.

I wish I could say this became a regular thing for me; asking for an obvious sign to get answers to the tough questions, but it didn’t.

I left a bad situation and moved home. Sure the signs pointed me in this direction, but at no time did I ask the question: Where would be the best place for my son and I to move. Until recently.

Things in my home town haven’t exactly turned out the way I expected. I’ll say this much, any time I have told someone what I do I don’t hear from them ever again… So, it is clear this is not the place for us to live permanently. But where should we go?

The letter I wrote to my guides and angels said this, “I am asking for direction and a clear sign about where would be the best place for David and I to move…” I thought a perfect sign would be to see a moving van with the name of a town written large across the side. But I left it to spirit to give the sign and only asked that it be clear and obvious.

David and I had a play date at the zoo that morning, so we went on with our day. Truth-be-told, I forgot about asking the question until we were on our way home. We were stopped at a red light behind a mini-van. I had a wave of goose bumps wash over me when I saw the make of the mini-van. SEDONA. This was significant. And clear and obvious. But I tried talking myself out of it by saying, “Yeah? Where’s the moving van?!” Then, some unseen force moved my head. I looked to my left and saw I was stopped right next to a moving van!

I was excited and scared all at once. I have heard great things about the place, but my skin type is not exactly conducive to the desert. However, I have been comparing the daily weather conditions in Sedona to where I am now and. The temperatures are almost identical. But Sedona has more rainfall in the summertime and gets overcast during the day. Yay!

I am really looking forward to this move.

Soul Loss

2010-06-27T13:25:00.002-07:00

Most indigenous cultures believe that the soul can fragment due to trauma. These soul fragments do not progress with the rest of the soul but become trapped in the moment of the trauma where they split off from the whole.

My experience with soul loss is minor compared to what some people go through, but I have gone through the process of finding and reintegrating aspects of my soul that were stuck in my childhood.

For a little bit of background I’ll say that as a kid I had a compulsive habit of biting and licking my lips. My lips would swell up and dry out. They would crack and bleed, and the only relief, albeit temporary, would be to lick them again. It was a never-ending cycle. I won’t go into the reason I was so nervous as a kid that I was compelled to bite my lips, but the trauma that caused that nervousness is what caused the soul fragmentation.

I had forgotten about this old habit of mine until I found the soul fragment and tried to reintegrate it. A couple of days after the reintegration I realized that my lips were swollen and sore. When I tried to smile my lips cracked. Then I remembered.

While in meditation, I found that part of me that was the fragment I had reintegrated and put her in a bubble, away from the rest of me. The discomfort I felt in my lips went away immediately. After the recommendation of a friend, I spent some time talking to that scared, nervous little girl, telling her everything was OK and that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. Over some time I would go back to the bubble and check on the fragment-the little girl I used to be. Whatever part of the fragment that had stopped being scared and nervous I would let out of the bubble and reintegrate with the rest of me. Eventually, the fragment was fully integrated once again with no physical side effects.

As a mom, I worry about the kinds of trauma that could cause soul loss and try to keep my son as protected as possible. But there are always things that you can’t see coming.

My son and I were playing not too long ago, chasing each other around the house, peeking around corners and pretending to be scared. I guess he didn’t hear me come into the room, or he was distracted by the TV for minute, but when I peeked around the couch and said boo the poor little guy jumped and cried out. I actually saw his energy fragment and part of it float away like it was a cartoon ghost. I ran to him to give him comfort and as I hugged him I was talking out loud to the fragmented part of his energy, telling it that it was OK and I loved it too… Some of it came back, and some of it stayed in that moment of shock.

I was reminded of these personal examples when I saw a stranger at a group function last night. He seemed a little off so I stayed distant from him without trying to make it obvious. It is my habit to observe people who come into contact with us before we get too close to them.

This man felt absent. Not all there. He had the faint feeling of someone who is mentally handicapped, but there was something else. Energetically I reached out to him and was surprised to find that such a large portion of his soul had fragmented he really was “not all there”. When I realized he was dealing with soul loss I saw in my minds eye a pie graph with 25% of it shaded. A full quarter of this man was gone, stuck in its past as an abused child. (I saw what happened to him as a child, but here is no need to pass that information on.)

You can read more about soul loss in the book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self by Sandra Ingerman. If you read this book, keep in mind she is a shamanic practitioner and has a monetary interest in some of the advice she gives. While I don’t agree with all the warnings she gives, the book is a good place to start if you are interested in soul retrieval.

I used a modified version of Colette Baron-Reid’s Goblin Meditation to reintegrate my soul fragment. Listen to Colette talk about the goblin and hear the meditation here.

Beautful Sychronicity

2010-05-31T09:43:00.002-07:00

It has been no secret that I really didn't want to move back to the town I lived in before moving to Germany. I was dreading it, in fact. However, this is where the signs pointed, and after dragging my feet for months, I finally moved back.

To say that this step has been rewarded would be an understatement.

My son and I stayed with a friend of mine for nearly a week when we first got back. The day I started to look for our own place we viewed an apartment that ended up to be too small for us. I was disappointed because it was in a part of town that I would have like to have lived in. But, I had to go with my gut despite really wanting that place to work out.

The next day I found 3 places that I like and called the numbers listed. One of the places kept standing out to me. In fact, it looked illuminated on the paper. It was really no surprise to me when the landlord for that apartment was the first one to call me back. What was a surprise is she turned out to be a good friend from about 15 years ago who I had lost contact with.

Just based on the ads this apartment was not my fist choice. The first and biggest problem I had with it was it was a 4-plex, not a house. I wanted my own little house so that I could plant a garden. I had been looking forward to growing my own veggies for a long time. But I went and looked at the apartment anyway.

The rooms were large. It had two bedrooms so my son would have his own room. There was a bathtub and shower in the bathroom, which was great because our last house only had a shower. The location was absolutely perfect, in the part of town I wanted to be in. A grocery store and laundromat within easy walking distance, very important because I don't have a driver's license as it expired while I was in Germany, and I don't have a car yet either. The apartment is across the street from an elementary school, so the little guy would have a playground. Everything looked great and the landlord (my old friend's husband) gave the keys right then and there.

It looked like they were in the middle of landscaping, and I asked what they were going to plant. He said he wasn't sure yet and asked if I had any preference. I told him that I really wanted to grow some vegetables and he said I could plant whatever I wanted. I was thrilled!

I met my old friend later that day to sign the lease and instead of having to prepay my rent because I don't have a job (like I had anticipated having to do) she didn't even make me pay a deposit! What luck!!

We moved in and have found the people in our area to be so nice. People say hi and smile when you pass them on the sidewalk. Strangers stop for a little chat. Everyone smiles at my son and they say nice things to him. It so opposite from where we came from! I say Thank You everyday that we were directed to move back to this town.

My son is thriving, getting back to his old happy self. He gets more exercise and is sleeping better. And I am happy to finally be home.

Obsidian

2010-04-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a short dream in which I was shopping in a store that had a small display of gemstones on the end of an isle. I was looking at what they had available in my favorite gemstone color; sea green. But there was a voice that kept whispering to me, "Obsidian."

I knelt down to the bottom of the display and found the obsidian, picked one up, and marveled at how good it felt in my hand. This was certainly not a stone I would have chosen on my own due to it's black color, however this one in my hand was quite pretty as it shimmered a bit with other colors.

After the dream I did some research on the metaphysical properties of obsidian. It is really wonderful how well this stone will be useful to me in my new venture and adventure.

Obsidian is volcanic lava cooled quickly. It is a natural glass. A stone of protection, it was probably one the first stones to be used for arrowheads and knives. A stone of Honesty, Sincerity and Truth, Obsidian will bring out the Warrior spirit in you. It can help reach into your subconscious, reclaim yourself, and help you find or re-discover forgotten abilities within yourself.

Protection: It can help to prevent negative energy from effecting you, and also help keep your thoughts from turning negative. (emotionally beating yourself up?) It is also a very grounding stone.
Insight: Its mirror like surface reveals its special ability to act as a mirror and help you see your own flaws honestly. It doesn't abandon you there, but will also provide insight into correcting those flaws.
Change: People in 12 Step Programs can use it as a powerful tool of change, aiding your desire to alter behavior, change harmful communication patterns or overcome obsessions.

Obsidians forceful dose of cutting reality can be softened if necessary for shy or timid people by combining it with aventurine, rose quartz, and Chrysocolla. The other alternative, is to use Snowflake Obsidian, which has many of the same properties, but a softer touch.

Color
Usually black

Physical Healing Properties
relieves pain, Circulation: its energies can help those hands & feet that seem to be constantly cold.

Careers
Entrepreneurs, Inventor

I don't do too much with crystals. I'm not one of those new-agers... ;-) But I liked the way the stone felt in the dream, and since it felt like a message for me I decided (while still in the dream) that I would buy an obsidian stone next week.

The information I found during research was like an exclamation point on a dream message.

Love Songs (part deux)

2010-04-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

It’s happened again. Love songs. In my sleep.

I especially like getting song lyric messages when the original words are different than the ones I hear. It seems like more of a message that way, rather than just singing a song in my head. It feels more like it is meant just for me.

The words from this morning’s song were,

“Do you believe in love at first sight, I think I do. We’re hanging out with one another. Those’r the best days of my life…”

It sounds all nice and lovey-dovey, right? So why does this upset me? I’ve been down this road before.

I have let the signs lead me into two different relationships. One was quite lovely for what it was… a confusion with a friend. Thankfully we ended up right back where we started; friends. The other- well, I ended up marrying him, and will soon be divorcing him. And while I am very thankful for the lessons I learned in this relationship, it was hard. Every day was hard. I was made to feel inferior and stupid. Two things I am not. The point is, I don’t want this to ever happen again. I do not want to be lead into another relationship that is designed for my spiritual growth . Enough already. I am weary and war-torn (and quite possibly a bit dramatic). ;-)

When enough time has passed I will want something easy, and passionate, relaxing, and lasting. A relationship among equals. And I will never again change my life or lifestyle for a man.

So there.

I'm Hearing Love Songs in My Sleep

2010-04-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

I hadn't heard of or thought of this song in absolutely ages, but this morning I woke up with it playing in my head. It was so clear, it was like the radio was on.

It was the theme song for the movie Tootsie.

Below I have highlighted the parts of the song that I heard:

Time... I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life...
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me...

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you...
All of my life...

Looking back as lovers go walking past...
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last

If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time...
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...
It's you..
It's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Maybe it's you...
Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Maybe it's you...
Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

I admit, this is a pretty cheesy song! But when I woke, it left me with such a feeling of peace, calm, and love.

Of course, this comes on the heals of the reading I had last week with Doug Upchurch where-in a love interest appeared. And there have been other signs and messages...

I don't want it. However, I have noticed that what I want does not always coincide with what the Universe is ready to provide.

We'll just have to see what happens. :-/

Intuitive Readings with Doug

2010-04-12T06:49:00.002-07:00

This weekend I had an intuitive reading with my friend Doug Upchurch. It was fantastic! He was so accurate that I wanted to give him a plug here on my blog. :-D

Doug has a website where you can reach him if you are interested in having a reading. I recommend him wholeheartedly!!

"The Universe Sure Takes Care of You!"

2010-03-08T01:56:00.002-08:00

In my dream I was in a coastal town. For some reason I had it in mind that it was Amsterdam, but it looked more like the Oregon coast (where we're actually moving). There were lots of tourists and I was a seasonal worker contracted because I spoke English. Only English speakers were hired. That was because ALL of the tourists turned out to be Americans.

I worked in a hotel. As a tip , someone gave me a smallish bag of what I thought was coins. I took the bag back to my room and discovered that they were jewels. Beautiful rings, encrusted with diamonds and sapphires.

There was a gem show going on in the hotel, so I took the jewels over. I walked into a room and saw a huge table full of jewelry. There was one man seated there. He looked like a big, fat, Greek, mafia type. I handed him one of the rings. He examined it and said something (I don't know what he said). Then he pulled out a 100 dollar bill and smoothed it out as he laid it on the table. He said I could have it if I would donate some of it to charity. I said OK, and he asked how much I was going to donate. I thought for a moment and said I'd donate $20. He seems pleased, and gave me the money. He said that because I gave more than the minimum he was going to give me a bonus. He then handed me a fifty dollar bill.

I woke up thinking this was a message to donate some money to charity. I was going to use the button I added to my blog for donating to Haiti, but when I opened my Facebook page this morning there was a message from a friend about the earthquake in Chile. I went to the Red Cross website and donated $20 to the Chilean relief fund straight away.

A couple of hours later I got an email from my son’s father offering a new suggestion on how we should split up the assets. As per our original agreement, I was expecting something close to another 2,250 €. His suggestion this morning offered me 3,500 € plus the money from selling all of our stored items.

I had been dreading bringing up the topic of the rest of the money I was owed because of the way he reacted the last time I brought it up. But then this, out of the blue, and right after a dream where I got a bonus for donating to charity…

The other day a friend of mine made a comment about how well the universe takes care of me. I guess he was right!

'Asking for Answers', or 'Balance: Giving and Receiving', or 'One Extreme or the Other'

2010-02-21T06:09:00.007-08:00

I have been not-so-patiently waiting for a sign. A little nudge from the Universe, telling me which direction I need to go. Months have gone by. Months full of days that seemed to last forever. I finally got the sign I have been waiting for, by finally asking the question.

It might seem a little obvious, that the question needs to be asked. However, I have been consciously practicing the art of receiving.

Balance

When I started on my spiritual path I was bombarded with messages and signs telling me that I needed to balance my masculine and feminine energies. Being female, I assumed this meant that I needed to strengthen my masculine traits. It took several years before I understood the true nature of the need for balance.

Along my path I met a man, and was told by spirit that he was my counter-balance. I trusted this statement because I trust the source from which it came. I made the assumption that "counter-balance" meant something like "soul-mate" or "twin-flame". What the statement actually meant was that we each had the opportunity to bring about an essential learning opportunity for the other. Spirit showed me what looked like Legos. Two groups of Legos with jagged edges, but when the two groups were put together, they formed a perfect and complete cube. The point was that I had something to complete his shape and he had something to complete mine.

I asked Spirit what this man and I had to learn, what role we had to play in each other's lives, and was told that I was in his life to help him learn generosity. He was in my life to help me learn how to receive.

This was the first time I discovered that I had been trying to "balance" my energy in the wrong direction. ;-) Ha! And all the while I was still getting oracles telling me I needed balance. Which in turn made me work harder (still in the wrong direction) to gain the balance I needed. It was clear something needed to be done. So, it seems, I manifested this relationship...

Counter-Balance

It was clear from the beginning how each of our lessons were going to be learned. I moved to a foreign country to be with this man. A country where I did not speak the language. A country where they place such a high value on education that I could not get a job if I wanted one because I don't have a college degree. All of a sudden, I was in the position of relying on this man for everything. It was worse than feeling like a little baby because I had been taking care of myself financially since I was sixteen. I felt like part of me had been cut out. The frustration I felt at this was acute.

By the same token, my husband had just a hard time being the sole support, watching his money go to pay for things that he wouldn't have bought if I hadn't been in the picture. Our situation forced him into the position of being generous with what he (by way of his culture) valued most.

The Help I Forgot I'd Asked For

When I consciously began to develop and build upon my psychic abilities, I asked Spirit what I could do to become a great psychic. The answer was balance.

I was reminded of this recently when I read something another psychic wrote about how she gets physically drained from doing readings. I remembered that I used to get drained from doing readings too. However, that changed sometime in the last couple of years, and now get a surge of energy from connecting with people, the same as I would if I had been meditating.

The need to know how to receive had it's source in the question I put out to the Universe all those years ago. I realized after reading what that other psychic wrote, that the reason readings used to drain my energy was because I was seeking information. Instead of allowing the information to come to me, I was trying to reach out for it. This is what drained my energy. This is why I needed to learn to receive.

One Extreme or the Other

I learned the lesson. I received the gift of receiving. And I am grateful for this!

However, that is different than being balanced.

My feminine energy is so strong now, that it doesn't even occur to me to ask for answers.

In the months since my husband and I separated, I have been waiting to be told where the best place would be for my son and I to move. I narrowed the options down to two. There have been signs and messages, but nothing has been as clear as I wanted. Nothing definitive. I wanted an answer that was blatantly obvious.

A few days ago I went to bed crying, begging Spirit for a clear answer to this question that has had me consumed since October. I had my answer within a day and a half.

By chance, I tuned in to a radio show of a psychic I have been following for several years. The guest on his show was a psychic that is a is a predominant symbol in my dreams. The show had already started when I decided to call in, so I asked my Angels to help me get through.

I got through! My call was the last call taken on the show. I got to ask these two amazing psychics where I should move. I got an answer! And guess what? It wasn't the answer I wanted.

The next day I started meditating, wondering if this is really the place I should go.

While meditating, I had a short vision of my spirit guide. He said to me, in a most urgent manner, "Go! Go!"

I jumped up with a surge of energy. This was the unmistakable answer that I've been waiting for. And the answer came because I finally asked the question.

By writing all of this down, I hope to keep it in my memory. I want to always remember to be balanced.

Petition to the Universe (Please Sign)

2010-02-09T04:30:00.002-08:00

Upon the recommendation of a dear friend, I started reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elisabeth Gilbert. The heroine of the book is going through a particularly nasty divorce and her friend suggests to her that she petitions the Universe. "You are part of this Universe," her friend says. "You are a constituent - you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the Universe, and to let your feelings be known..."

That is what I am going to do here today.

Dear Universe,

I understand that you see the bigger picture. I do not have knowledge of what is best for everyone involved from my vantage point, but I have some requests that I'd like you to consider before all the plans are made.

1. Please intervene and resolve the issue of where my son and I will live.

2. I grew up without a father, and I would really like it if my son did not have to go through the pain of knowing what that feels like. Please help us find a place to live, in an English-speaking place, where his father can be close to him and they can spend time together.

3. Please resolve this matter swiftly because everyday that goes by I think it will be the last day I can handle living the way I am. My mind is a jumble of dis-joined thoughts. I have lost the ability to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. My memory has escaped me. And everything I say or do seems to be wrong. I am incredibly isolated and lonely, and even having internet access doesn't resolve this feeling like it used to.

4. Please see that we will have a group of friends of like mind wherever we move. People with whom to discuss spiritual topics, peace-loving people, but also grounded enough that we can enjoy what this world has to offer us. I want my son to be as social as he wants to be, and to grow up in a close knit group of friends. I want close friendships too.

5. Please see that I can support myself financially with my psychic/healing work. Please see that I can make a maximum amount of money in a minimum amount of hours.

6. I ask that my son spends as little time as possible in a non-family child-care environment. I want to be his main child-care, not some stranger. Please help his father and I find a way to coordinate our jobs and free time so that our son benefits as well as us.

7. I know my son's father and I barely even like each other anymore, but please help us keep this from our son. Help us treat each other with kindness and respect so that our son grows up to treat others with kindness and respect.

8. Please help us all to find our happiness and freedom, and become better people.

In All Sincerity,
Mishell

If you would like to sign this petition, please do so in the comment section. Thank you. :-)

Manifesting Desires

2009-12-30T08:38:00.003-08:00

21 May 2008:

I was walking along a dirt road, out in the country of the small town I grew up in. There was a fence along the road and on the other side of it was a ditch with running water. I came upon a woman standing under a tree on the other side of the ditch. We were talking and she started telling me that everything was going to be all right. She said my fortune would come in 36 weeks. She kept saying the same thing over and over. She was very conversational about it, everything is going to be fine, I'd be happy, my fortune would come in 36 weeks.

She was a very simple woman, frankly, she seemed angelic. I know that this was a real message for me, but I don't know how literal to take it. Usually when messages are this direct they are very literal.

I had this dream while I was pregnant. At the time I assumed that it meant my son would be born early. Baby = fortune. Coming at 36 weeks instead of 40. A logical conclusion. I marked the date on the calendar anyway. 36 weeks to the day from the night I had the dream.

My son was not born early, though. So I checked the date on the calendar and fixed in my mind, knowing well that something was going to happen. And what do you know! 36 weeks (to the day) later I was sitting on the couch, holding my little baby. I decided to look at his chakras.

While doing readings I have seen some people that have extra chakras above their heads. I have kind of gotten used to it, at least I'm not surprised by it. However, my son had a chakra that I have never seen before. And it was much farther above his head than I have seen before.

It was beautiful! Describing it would not do it justice, but I'll try. It was a gorgeous shade of purple. not dark, but not light enough to be called lilac. It was sparkly almost and iridescent.

I focused on this chakra, and immediately felt myself shoot through it. It felt like I was moving through a worm-hole. I could see the sides rushing past me a incredible speed. I came to rest in this space that was pink. Fluffy, misty, amazing pink. The air felt so wonderful, and with every breath I took, a wave of love would wash over me! This air had substance to it, and I knew that it was important. I asked where I was and was told that it was god. Source Energy, they said.

They showed me how to use this energy to create things. To form things with the mist and put my intention/attention on the thing I wanted to create until it seemed solid. The process was simple, although I have forgotten a lot of the detail.

My baby's father had been recently saying that he wanted to start a savings account and wanted 20,000 € to pay off debt and put put some money in savings. I practiced that day on creating a savings account. He wanted 20,000, so I tried to create 25,000 or more... I spent a few minutes on it and then went on with my day.

A few months later we found out that his department at work was being transferred to the next state. The moving package included a cash payout of 30,000 €. Wow! Manifesting with this pink stuff really worked!

Isn't there a saying about a leopard not being able to change it's spots? I'm the leopard. I never did another thing with this life-altering information. (I think I still have some work to do as far as what I think I deserve.) But sometimes the universe steps in...

Today I was meditating and it kind of turned into an exercise in manifesting. I was working out the job I want, how busy I want to be. Then all of a sudden a vision pops up like I was looking at a photograph. I saw myself looking at my facebook page. I had posted a comment and a "friend" posted a reply. This "friend" is not someone I know in real life. I immediately thought of her as an angel. The air around her picture was light fluffy pink. Source-Energy.

At first I thought she misspelled facebook, but when I looked again, I saw that what she had written was "It is your fate..."

So, in the midst of all the current upheaval in my life, there is something to look forward to! The job I want, and a reason to stay positive. I even have the past experience to use as a basis of belief. I am so excited!

I think this reminder of how to manifest comes at the perfect time. There is so much more that I would like to create for my new life.

Body Modification

2009-12-29T02:59:00.005-08:00

Piercing and tattoos, specifically. What do you think about them? How do you think they look? What kind of assumptions do you make about the people who have them? Would you have it done? If so, what and where?

I was signed up to take an art workshop on body modification about five years back. It looked like a great class. But it ended up getting canceled due to lack of interest. I was interested, bastards! But not enough people signed up. How Idaho.

I share that little piece of history to make the point of how long I have been interested in something that you would never guess just by looking at me. And why wouldn't you guess this is something I'm interested in? Because of the assumptions you make about the people who have it done. It's really that simple. Are the judgments fair? Judgments, in general, are not meant to be fair. They are meant to make you feel better by putting other people down. If I can not lift myself up, I will knock you down.

I am in the unique position (again) ;-) of starting my life over. I intend to live an authentic life, expressing myself in ways that feel right to me. However, as much as it shouldn't matter if there is a little ring in my nose, it does matter! I think about the way people will interact with me. How they will treat my son after they see me. Do I curtail my need to express myself authentically in order to be socially accepted? Do I want to be socially accepted (by people who wouldn't be in my social circle anyway)?

As long as I stay in Europe, it isn't an issue. But, if I move back to the States it will certainly narrow the field as far as employment goes. And if I move back to the States, I will need to find a better job than working at the bagel shop. I have a child to support.

The idea that I can not look the way I want to because of the narrow-mindedness of people who do not know me is frustrating, to say the least. I will still be the same kind of person. Just as responsible as before the tattoos and piercings. Just as capable of showing up on time and getting my work done.

*sigh...*

So, it seems there are a few different ways I could handle this situation.

1. Have it done, like I want, and do what I can to stay in Europe.

2. Have it done and work in a bagel shop if I go back to the States.

3. Have it done, purchase a deserted island, and only allow people of the non-judgmental persuasion to inhabit it.

4. Don't have it done. No, that's not really an option.

No More Hiding

2009-12-19T23:53:00.003-08:00

My previous post was about a secret I have been keeping from someone important in my life. The secret is I'm a psychic. The person is my mother.

My mother is a staunch Jehovah's Witness. If you know anything about this religion, you can imagine the reaction of me telling her I am a psychic! I feared I'd be completely shunned, as they do with those who break the rules.

I was ready to tell her everything, then found out someone had already told her! :-0 While it eased the pressure a bit, I felt it was something she needed to hear from me. I tried to get her on the phone, but after a couple of days I decided to write her a letter, rather than wait any longer.

I wrote her a letter and told her everything. Everything. EVERYTHING.

I have had a block in my throat chakra for as long as I can remember. It was there the first time I scanned my chakras, and no matter the amount of cleansing or running of energy, it never really goes away. I knew from the beginning it had to do with the secret I kept from my mother. I knew when I told her this secret the block would go away.

However, I was not prepared for the rush of energy I experienced! In the hours following sending the letter, I had the strangest sensations in my body. My heart chakra was pounding, my solar plexus felt like it was clinching and releasing, my sides were twitching. I felt like I could have run a marathon. Everything I experienced was more intense. Even colors were brighter. It might sound crazy, but I almost felt like I was shining! When we went to the shopping center people were actually paying attention to me. This is so unusual, and certainly evidence that something energetic was going on outside of me. I had a very happy day.

When I went to sleep, the dreams I had were of a different quality than normal. This is hard to explain, it just felt like I was more "there" than I have felt before.

Before bed I had been wondering about the kind of response I'd get from my mother about the letter, wondering if I'd get a response. I had a dream where she was looking for me. I was at my old elementary school when she found me. She let her friend read the letter in front of me, and her friend was aghast! Then my mother tried to tell me how awful it was that I would allow this into my life. I tried to explain that it isn't awful, it's natural. We had an almost-argument about it. Then a civil discussion. In the end, she held her hands up and said OK. Not admitting she was wrong, but not saying I was either.

Of course there was another part of my awareness analyzing this dream while I was having it, and it seemed to me this last gesture she made would set the stage for our future relationship.

I stayed in that in-between state for a while thinking about the dream, when I became aware of song lyrics playing in my head. The words I heard were, "I started a joke that got the whole world laughing, but I couldn't see, that the joke was on me..." Uh-OH, I thought! Then I heard someone say to me, "Pandora's box".

It has been a while since I read mythology, so I looked it up... "In Greek mythology, Pandora's box is the large jar carried by Pandora that unleashed many terrible things on humanity – ills, toils and sickness – and hope." (Thanks, Wikipedia)

So, while I think the relationship with my mother will not be as dire as I expected it to be, I think there is bound to be some fall-out that I hadn't thought about. Perhaps from the church itself.

Habits

2009-12-16T01:30:00.005-08:00

I don’t remember the dream from last night, but after it was over I found myself in that place where I can’t see anything. I have been here often in the last months. It has a signature, you could say. Someone (always the same someone, although I never get to see him) said to me, “This was a sign for you not to hide yourself.”

Hide myself? Do I do that? Hell, yes!

I said something to a friend recently, and was immediately shocked by it because it was something I had never been consciously aware of. “It's really scary because I have always kept myself distanced from the ones I've been in relationships with,” I said.

Somehow or another, I find a way to stay distanced. Sometimes this is accomplished by choosing people to be in my life who will never open up or fully accept me. Sometimes it is by my feeling superior or inferior to the ones in my life. Sometimes it’s because I convince myself of a particular outcome so I put up a wall, or find a way to remove myself.

Do I really do that? Hell, yes!

I guess it is an attempt to avoid being hurt. It has never worked. So why do I still do it? Habit. Like a record that keeps repeating, I keep repeating, too.

I channeled something recently that talked about the need to break negative habits and why it is important for me to do this now. Because I am creating a new future. And the new habits will be part of the pattern for my new life.

So, how do I break this habit? The answer must be for me not to hide myself. ;-)

The truth is, I don’t think there is a single person alive who knows the real me. A lot of people know a lot about me. And some people know things that others do not. I am honest with people, but still, I always seem to reserve information from everyone.

I guess I put people into categories. Each category is allowed certain information, allowed to see a certain side of me. Be it values, the way I want to look, my sweet and generous side, my super-sarcastic side, my metaphysical beliefs, etc. No one has a complete picture.

I believe this whole issue is coming to the surface right now because of recent personal developments. I have refused to tell one of the most important people in my life about one of the most important things in my life. I have convinced myself of the consequences of getting this out into the open because of the category this person falls into. It may be the truth, but there is also a chance that it may not. I guess I have been too scared to find out for sure. Telling would be the ultimate leap of faith for this particular relationship.

I will tell. I need to. I have to. More importantly, I want to.

When I work up the courage to do it, I’ll tell you how it went.

The Fool

2009-12-14T03:51:00.003-08:00

This Blog
Comparing myself to the Fool may not stretch the imagination. Sometimes what I do may seem crazy. I receive messages from Spirit, and I follow the advice I am given. I listen to that intuitive voice inside of myself, knowing that each cell of my body carries with it the knowledge of the Universe.

I am 36 years old and about to take another leap of faith. I don’t know what the end result will be, but I am confident that I am looked after and helped along by others who have my best interest at heart. I feel their love and support in ways that no human has ever loved or supported me… Unconditionally.

I want this blog to be about the signs I receive from the Universe, my Higher Self, Spirit Guides, God, Intuition, Subconscious. Call it what you like, what resonates, what feels good… To me they are all the same thing. I want to write about the signs and messages, but I also want to write about how I follow those signs, listen to those messages… or not ;-)

Receiving Messages
Song lyrics have been a very direct way I am given a message. The words I find myself hearing are taken quite literally. There is no need for interpretation. Still, sometimes the meaning is not clear because I don’t know what part of my life to apply the message. For example:

Two nights ago, every time I woke up, I heard different parts of the same song.

“…and then one day, she passed his way, he felt reborn in that morning sun…”

“…she took my hand and said yes you can, one look at her and I’m a brand new man…”

“…what you can see in the eyes of a woman is a reason to believe. Look deep inside the eyes of a woman, see the man you want to be…”

I told my baby’s daddy about the song messages, and he said it sounded as if someone was trying to butter me up. ;-) That remains to be seen.

Last night the same thing happened. I would find myself in that stage between sleep and awake and become aware of a song playing. Different songs this time.

“…ready to put my love on the line with you… ready to take a chance again with you…”

“…my intentions are true, won’t you take me with you…”

Same sort of message. We’ll see what happens with that.

Dreams That Aren’t Dreams
The place between wake and sleep is ripe with opportunities for contacting the spirit world. For some of us, it is one of the few times of true relaxation. And relaxation and a willingness to listen are all that is required of us.

Last night I had this experience/dream/vision:

I was in the underground parking lot of the grocery store, pushing the baby’s buggy. I saw another me walk in, pushing a different buggy. She came over and took my buggy and began to push it, as if she was leaving. I took hold of the buggy she brought in, knowing that I was getting the chance to move into a parallel life. At first I didn’t want to do it. I thought I would miss my baby, even though this seemed like my baby too. Then I remembered something from psychology class, how most people would rather stay in a bad situation than try something new. So I took the new buggy with baby and pushed it out of the parking lot.

As we were heading away, I discovered I knew some things about the life we were heading into. I was a single mom. The baby was a few months younger than the baby I had at first. We lived in town in an apartment, not in a house in the country. We took the bus almost everywhere. We had all we needed and life was good. We were happy.

I would have missed out on a very important experience if I had let my fear of the unknown prevent me from moving into the alternate life. I was able to find out some important information that will help me as I make the changes I am currently making in my life.

1. My son and I don’t need much.
2. We can be happy even if our life doesn’t have the appearance I wanted it to.
3. These changes will help my son to be a baby again. (Sometimes I feel like my unhappiness has required him to grow up too soon. I know that the way I feel affects the way he behaves.)
4. I felt free, even though I did not have my own car.

My intent is to integrate the strength and some of the personality of the alternate me into the life I live now. I know I will see results, and may even end up living a version of the alternate life I walked into.

What I Am Going to Do
In light of these realizations, thanks to my experience last night, I am starting a second blog. It will be completely focused on things that make me happy.

I read something recently that made me stop and think. It was a quote by James Oppenheim. “The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” From now on, I plan to grow happiness under my feet.